Relationships in adulthood after child abuse

My mother used to physically take her anger out on me if I did anything bad. But I think her expectations of me were worse. She expected me to be better and act better than everyone else. The only time I remember her praising me was when I got a 4.0 gpa in my freshman year of highschool. Obviously I couldn't keep up that perfection.

My father doesn't like to show emotion. We only started saying 'I love you' to each other in recent years. He's very stoic and hard-working. I try imitate his work ethic, but there's no way I could keep up.

I think this has made me feel very insecure when it comes to relationships. I feel like eventually any girlfriend I have will just be disappointed and leave me. I haven't dated or been in a relationship in years, so I don't know for sure. It's hard just trying to find confidence to ask someone out. I ask myself what I have to offer and nothing comes up. I don't see why anyone would want to pick me.

@LovingMilton2020

I haven't experienced the loss of my parents or been in foster care and I'm sorry to hear about some of what you went through.

I can only begin to imagine you must have felt small, distant, alone, isolated and helpless at times. I experienced every type of abuse growing up and by the age of 10 neither of my parents were really around. My last therapist gave me the impression that maybe my mum should of had me adopted in my best interest as she was unable to care for me and left me with a lot of responsibility.

I struggled more than most and went on to be diagnosed with schizophrenia in my teens after being abandoned by my parents for under preforming.

After the diagnosis I took a keen interest in schizophrenia and changed my lifestyle over the years. I spent time exploring to understand anxiety and depression and now have a keen interest in learning about and healing cptsd and am really starting to understand developmental arrest, what it means to process trauma and how important it is to that work.

I'm glad you've gone into therapy because I believe (if they have done the work to heal), it's the ones who have suffered the most, that understand the most and that can create the most positive change.

A relationship resource you might find helpful - https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=jMJ37orRk9Q&t=7524s

Some resources on Cptsd that you might find helpful -

Complex Trauma: Understanding and Treatment - Diane Langberg / FOCLOnline

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=otxAuHG9hKo

"What is CPTSD?" Simple Definition - Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder / RICHARD GRANNON

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vwp52uv9LMY

and there's a super good book called "From surviving to thriving - CPTSD" by Pete Walker.

Hope it helps 🙏

How Childhood Trauma Leads to Addiction - Gabor Maté / After Skool

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BVg2bfqblGI

Last side note - the word "trauma" can be over used and ill defined. This one clarifies what exactly classifies as trauma and what it looks like on the inside to the person experiencing the trauma.