Regrets
I was in a very verbally abusive relationship for two years that turned physical in the last year we broke up over a year ago now but things still come back all the time it feels like everytime I pick myself back up I beat myself back down to the ground. I was honest about what happened after hiding it or doing my best to for a long time I was sick of being painted as the villain, I was sick for standing by and watching him hurt my friends i was sick of people i cared about thinking he was an amazing person when he was abusive to me and raped me at our friends house I just needed people to know. But I lost people. People who try as i might, i still truly care about, try as I might I still care about him I keep thinking if I just let him do whatever the fuck he wanted to me maybe I wouldnt have lost so much, maybe I wouldnt have to feel like this is all pointless, maybe I would have buried all the trauma so deep down it wouldnt come to haunt me like this, maybe is I had been better for him, tried harder for him maybe i would have been good enough, maybe I wouldnt have to lose so much. I love the people that stayed by my side but i hate to be honest with them, they fought for me they felt pain too, for me, I dont want them to feel like it was pointless to bother i dont want to give them anymore reasons to leave me, but I feel like they should, I've never been happy since that day no one tiny bit I'll smile and laugh then immediately remember why I cant, why i shouldnt, I look in the mirror and feel physically ill I hate myself so fucking much if I didnt have people that cared I would be long gone, maybe that's why I want them to go. I have dreams that he breaks into my house and kills me and they're the happiest dreams ive had in months because I still care about him and if he wanted me dead if that would make him happy, then I'd be happy with that. I lost so many people who chose to believe him people who I wish to god I didnt care about, but some nights I just pray they're okay and I hate myself for doing it.
I regret being honest i regret ever speaking about my feelings to anyone if i knew this is how it would be i would have just dealt with it at least I would have this loving couple happy social life facade, at least then I wouldnt feel so fucking empty.
I am sorry that opening up has caused you more pain than help! I hope you are able to find something to feel full again.
I'm very sorry to hear you had to go through that. And it sounds like you are carrying a lot of guilt. That is very common after abuse. I don't know if this will be helpful to you but here goes:
People who are abused and traumatized often develop an 'inner critic' that tells them they are to blame. But that voice is a part of the problem. It wants to gain some semblance of control by blaming you. Because at least it doesn't feel like loss of control which is what all trauma is.
Feeling love for a person who abuses you makes all of this even more confusing. For me, my mother was my abuser. I love her but I also feared her. It really helped me to realise that my mother isn't the problem. She has a problem (a mental illness). And because she couldn't keep me safe from her illness, that responsibility fell to me.
I could love her, but I couldn't be close to her because I had to keep myself safe. As a kid I would say she's like fire: beautiful but best viewed from a distance.
There is nothing wrong with protecting yourself when a loved one isn't able to do that. And there's nothing wrong with asking for help. I bet you would help others in a heartbeat if they asked you. And you'd be glad to be able to help.
But that inner critic is hard to shrink. I think Pete Walker has an article on his website about shrinking the inner critic. If not, it's in his book: cptsd, from surviving to thriving.
I hope you feel better soon.