Regrets

I was in a very verbally abusive relationship for two years that turned physical in the last year we broke up over a year ago now but things still come back all the time it feels like everytime I pick myself back up I beat myself back down to the ground. I was honest about what happened after hiding it or doing my best to for a long time I was sick of being painted as the villain, I was sick for standing by and watching him hurt my friends i was sick of people i cared about thinking he was an amazing person when he was abusive to me and raped me at our friends house I just needed people to know. But I lost people. People who try as i might, i still truly care about, try as I might I still care about him I keep thinking if I just let him do whatever the fuck he wanted to me maybe I wouldnt have lost so much, maybe I wouldnt have to feel like this is all pointless, maybe I would have buried all the trauma so deep down it wouldnt come to haunt me like this, maybe is I had been better for him, tried harder for him maybe i would have been good enough, maybe I wouldnt have to lose so much. I love the people that stayed by my side but i hate to be honest with them, they fought for me they felt pain too, for me, I dont want them to feel like it was pointless to bother i dont want to give them anymore reasons to leave me, but I feel like they should, I've never been happy since that day no one tiny bit I'll smile and laugh then immediately remember why I cant, why i shouldnt, I look in the mirror and feel physically ill I hate myself so fucking much if I didnt have people that cared I would be long gone, maybe that's why I want them to go. I have dreams that he breaks into my house and kills me and they're the happiest dreams ive had in months because I still care about him and if he wanted me dead if that would make him happy, then I'd be happy with that. I lost so many people who chose to believe him people who I wish to god I didnt care about, but some nights I just pray they're okay and I hate myself for doing it.

I regret being honest i regret ever speaking about my feelings to anyone if i knew this is how it would be i would have just dealt with it at least I would have this loving couple happy social life facade, at least then I wouldnt feel so fucking empty.