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Portalkitty
1,058 M Little Steps 2
PathStep 20 Compassion hearts103 Forum posts23 Forum upvotes15 Current upvotes15 Age GroupAdult Last activeFebruary, 2021 Member sinceMarch 31, 2016
Bio
broken... broken... broken...
Recent forum posts
Regrets
Trauma Support / by Portalkitty
Last post
 May 26th, 2020
...See more I was in a very verbally abusive relationship for two years that turned physical in the last year we broke up over a year ago now but things still come back all the time it feels like everytime I pick myself back up I beat myself back down to the ground. I was honest about what happened after hiding it or doing my best to for a long time I was sick of being painted as the villain, I was sick for standing by and watching him hurt my friends i was sick of people i cared about thinking he was an amazing person when he was abusive to me and raped me at our friends house I just needed people to know. But I lost people. People who try as i might, i still truly care about, try as I might I still care about him I keep thinking if I just let him do whatever the fuck he wanted to me maybe I wouldnt have lost so much, maybe I wouldnt have to feel like this is all pointless, maybe I would have buried all the trauma so deep down it wouldnt come to haunt me like this, maybe is I had been better for him, tried harder for him maybe i would have been good enough, maybe I wouldnt have to lose so much. I love the people that stayed by my side but i hate to be honest with them, they fought for me they felt pain too, for me, I dont want them to feel like it was pointless to bother i dont want to give them anymore reasons to leave me, but I feel like they should, I've never been happy since that day no one tiny bit I'll smile and laugh then immediately remember why I cant, why i shouldnt, I look in the mirror and feel physically ill I hate myself so fucking much if I didnt have people that cared I would be long gone, maybe that's why I want them to go. I have dreams that he breaks into my house and kills me and they're the happiest dreams ive had in months because I still care about him and if he wanted me dead if that would make him happy, then I'd be happy with that. I lost so many people who chose to believe him people who I wish to god I didnt care about, but some nights I just pray they're okay and I hate myself for doing it. I regret being honest i regret ever speaking about my feelings to anyone if i knew this is how it would be i would have just dealt with it at least I would have this loving couple happy social life facade, at least then I wouldnt feel so fucking empty.
Lost
Depression Support / by Portalkitty
Last post
 June 14th, 2017
...See more I wish instead of people saying stupid cliches about happiness, i had someone who could give me a map and a way to get out of this maze of emotions that is depression. I have one consultation every 4 weeks, i wont get CBT until they decide im in the "right mindset" and they wont give me medication saying "it takes 8 weeks to get things sorted" when really they're just scared i'll overdose again. It feels so inconsistent just like its someone doing what they can to humor me i want to feel like someone wants to help me. The only thing anyone's worried about is why i did it, i didnt want to die but i just wanted to give up its been 8 years and im so tired of it, but im selfish for not thinking of anyone else and "my life isn't my own", when do i get to think about myself? When do i get to do what i want? I just feel so pathetic and lost, i just want to give up.
Feeling helpless
Depression Support / by Portalkitty
Last post
 May 8th, 2017
...See more I feel like if you were to empty out the contents of my being all there would be is depression, im so comfortable in this place of complete unhappiness, its scary to think that there's a life outside depression. When and if, it all goes away who will i be and how will move forward? I feel like abandoning all the help im getting, i feel so anxious and uncomfortable if im anything but depressed. It sounds selfish but it's the way i think wether i like it or not.
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