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Please help me figure out if my best friend's parents are abusing her?!
Basilstorm September 29th, 2017
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Her parents have always been overprotective to the extreme. The earliest time I can remember hanging out with her was when we were in second grade and her mom screamed at her for running on pavement. That summer, her appendix was inflamed and then burst and she had to undergo a dangerous surgery which might be what made them so much worse. I'm not really sure. Last year, we tried to start dating but her parents who never liked me much were even worse then they had been. We broke up but they're still acting so overprotective that they completely changed our friendship to the point where I'm not even sure if we're still friends. She now doesn't hesitate to make sharp remarks to me and it feels like she ignores me all the time now. I think her parents may have convinced her so thoroughly that I was dangerous for her that it wore off.

Today she told me a lot about her family. The reason she hasn't been texting anyone is because her parents don't let her use her phone at all on the weekends and only for homework on week days. She isn't allowed to leave the house without at least one of them. She can't go to sleepovers with us because her parents don't trust us but we've had the same friend group since kindergarten. She has about half an hour of free time after her family goes to sleep in which she can use her phone, but they check it constantly so that she now obsessively deletes her texts, history, and apps to the point where she can't sleep from her anxiety if she doesn't check more than three times. Her mom and dad regularly tell her siblings that they will not be allowed to have phones till they're 18 because of her, so all of them are pissed at her even though she hasn't done anything. She has absolutely no privacy, they check her phone nearly every night and don't always plug it back in, leaving her with not enough power to get through the day. And trust me, she doesn't have anything inappropriate on her phone. She deletes everything from our friends group chat and all we ever text about is how hard the homework is and how irritating school is. She is ultra paranoid about everything and she isn't even doing anything wrong.

She described one situation to me earlier, about how she had downloaded Snapchat to send stuff to me and two other friends. She had left the app not open but in one of the apps still running, and her mom stormed into the room to ask what she was doing. When she tried to lie, her Mom ripped her phone out of her hand, told her dad, and then they started screaming at her for nearly an hour. This is what led to the no phone on the weekend rule.

Her parents in the past have refused to let her get a haircut; not even a rebellious haircut, mind you. She wanted a bob, and it took her four months to convince them. They frequently reduce her to tears because they are constantly lecturing her and yelling at her.

Her parents commonly try to turn her siblings against her and each other. They are furious with her for not being allowed to have phones. When she tried to come out to her parents they started being worse about that and she now isn't allowed to talk to them about anything even slightly resembling that stuff. Her parents have also trained her youngest sister to report everything she says back to them. Once she admitted out loud that she couldn't wait to be 18 and "get away from this place". Her sister parroted this back to both parents and they yelled at her until she was crying.

The saddest thing is how accepting she is of it. She makes jokes about how her brother still asks their parents to change their minds about minuscule things and how he "still has hope". She has just kind of come to peace with the fact that she's stuck in this godforsaken home until she goes to college.

I'm not sure why her parents hate me, exactly, but this might be important because I have a feeling this goes for the rest of her friendships too. I am a straight A student, I am in 5 clubs, I play one instrument and am teaching myself two more, I am respectful and quiet in school, and I am excessively polite and have never so much as said "crap" in front of them. When I did start cursing more in school, it was actually because of my friend! I spent a ton of time with her and picked up the habit. However, her parents are essentially convinced that I am the spawn of Satan. They won't let her text me, or contact me in any way, and I have a feeling they've been manipulating her into distrusting me over the summer. They have complete control over her social life.

I know her. This isn't a 'snobby teen girl gets punished' story, this is a 'teen girl is terrorized by her cruel parents with punishments for things that she didn't do'.

I think that no one realizes how completely restrictive they are besides me. They appear to be a perfect family, and my mom has often commented on it. An intelligent, semi wealthy, little league coach father, and a mother who is a teacher but still spends most of her time caring for her children and is the type of mom who makes brownies to give to the Girl Scout troop just because she felt like being kind. My friend is the oldest, very smart, fairly attractive, straight A's. She plays a sport, and an instrument, and does clubs. Her younger brother is kind and from the outside they appear to have that ideal sibling relationship with no fighting and mutual adoration. Her younger sisters are twins, one who looks just like her. That sister is smart and loves to read, and the other one is a social butterfly (also the one who reports to her parents). My point is, they're a model family from the outside but all four children are miserable while their parents enjoy having complete control over someone else's life.

My friend is so overrun by anxiety, and has so little freedom, that it's a wonder she hasn't killed herself, because I know I would with all that going on. She has no privacy, her parents have no respect for her, and she isn't even allowed to talk in her own home without her sister reporting back what she says to her parents. It seems like they're messing her up really bad. I know they're not physically abusive, but I'm worried that this is an unfixable kind of mental and emotional damage. Is she being abused, and if so, what should I do?

6
Rebecca October 1st, 2017
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@Basilstorm

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend, it absolutely breaks my heart just thinking about the way her parents have treated her. Abuse is defined as behaviour that manipultes or controls someone, which on that basic level does fit your friend's situation. That being said I'm no lawyer or judge, and cannot say for certain that she is being abused. This is a tricky situation because, as you said, your friend's family presents themselves very positively to the general public, and most people wouldn't suspect any kind of issue. Furthermore, as you said, your friend is not being subjected to physical abuse, which makes the abuse harder to report or vocalise to anyone. I realize how frustrating that must be, seeing your friend go through this and feeling like no one else can see it too. I can't speak for your friend or her feelings, but please know that if I was her, I would be extremely thankful to have a friend as concerned as you. Even though your relationship has been strained because of this entire situation, it's clear to me that you care, and that is priceless.

There's not one particular thing that can 100% guaranteed make things better for you friend, unfortunately. There are some things you can try, but they aren't always going to help. You could try asking her if she thinks it's abuse and something to seriously worry about. You could try talking to a teacher or counselor at school about your concerns and observations. If you don't feel comfortable with these options or don't think they will help, just being a supportive friend could mean the world.

I'm by no means an expert on child abuse and there might be other ways to help your friend. Something that you personally could do is call a Child Abuse Helpline, explain your friend's situation, and ask them for suggestions on how to approach this. As people who specialize in supporting child buse victims, they would have more in depth knowledge on the subject, and could give more informed suggestions and advice. I don't know where you are from, but here is a hotline for the U.S.A. and Canada: 1-800-422-4453. If you live elsewhere and would like help looking for a helpline for your country, I'd be glad to help with that.

I hope that this helps, and provides at least a bit of clarity. Child abuse is obviously a very traumatizing and painful thing to be subjected to, but it can hurt a lot when watching it happen to someone you care about too. I send both of you my best wishes, and I really hope things improve.

calmSoul60 October 4th, 2017
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@Basilstorm

I'm so sorry to hear what is happening with your friend. This is a typical type of abuse I see these days. I hope things would go better for her. I believe rebecca has said enough. Please update us with what's happening with her.

Basilstorm OP October 5th, 2017
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@calmSoul60

She gets extremely upset whenever I try to say something negative about her parents besides what she complains about. The most recent thing that they've done is try to restrict her in school; I figured this out when she tried to sign up for a practice SAT. The guidance counselor went to verify with her dad and he flipped out. Her dad screamed at this guy for half an hour because he didn't want her to take the test. She's very overwhelmed by her AP History class, to the point where her usually A average is now a low C to a high D. She can't drop the class, she has no choice. Recently, her mom found out she had one free period every few days and phoned the guidance office until she could put her daughter in a class that she didn't want to take. Before school was the only place she could have the slightest free will, but not they're cracking down on that.

They've also gotten worse with the not letting her go anywhere unless one of them is with her. We're both juniors, so now her parents new excuse is that "they only have two years left and they'll miss her".

calmSoul60 October 5th, 2017
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@Basilstorm

Omg, that is super controlling .😞 I honestly don't know what to say. Sometimes parents can be abusive and they don't eve realize it it. She has to survive two years? That's too Much to take. Try not to mention her parents problems. Just be there for her whenever you can.

ShortyLarge October 8th, 2017
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I would see this as a type of abuse, because her parents are being manipulative, controlling, and most like being verbally abusive when they yell at her.

I think it is amazing of you to be such a good friends as to support her and be concerned about her. Those are the signs of a good friend.

Just continue to be their for her and if you believe things to be serious enough, contact a trusted adult.

selfconfidentTangerine1778 December 15th, 2017
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Ask someone who can anomously find out information about the family who could report them to the authority because there may be more than what we can see that is happening. Find out what kind of church they go to and have other people keep in eye out on them and maybe started treated them in away where they started wondering if people around them think they are the satan. They might change there ways.

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