Just wanting to be normal..
As a child I was sexually abused by two separate men. The first was a kiss forced onto me by a family friend, the second involved months of emotional manipulation from a diagnosed phycopath. I am still working hard to get over this, although things are getting easier. The hardest times are when I am close with my boyfriend and my body has a memory, it seems like I am scared of him ( which is not nice for either of us). I can just about get through sex (sometimes) but can still not be touched or kissed intimatly. It took years for me to learn that sex could be enjoyable for women, will I ever be able to fully enjoy it? I just want to be normal, for me and my partner. Any advice..?
@pandapanda3
before i go any further, please know that i am not in any way qualified to give advice, and i will not. what i include below is suggestions, and perhaps some things to help you as you think about what should be done to benefit you. i don't know you personally, and i have only a vague idea of what you have gone through; therefore i cannot help you as much as i would like, and for that i apologise. i do hope what i have included here will help, though!!
first of all, i am so sorry. it must've been so hard to get through sexual trauma, especially if one of those someones was someone you know!! just wanted to commend you on your admirable efforts in keeping your head up. i'm really glad to hear it's been getting better for you now.
someone once told me that i will never forget what happened to me, that it will affect me for the rest of my life, and personally i agree -- although to a certain extent. yes, i will never forget, but the sting has sort of gone out of the memory now after two years. i am coming to terms with acceptance. it will affect me because of the choices i have made, and it will continue to affect me in the choices i will make as i aim to prevent myself from further similar damage (which, like your aversion to intimate touch, is completely understandable. most people wouldn't want to inflict harm on themselves a second time; i feel that's just natural.)
you said you 'just want to be normal, for me and my partner'. i respect that. however, just remember that if your partner is forcing you in any way to do things you don't want, say no. you are in control of your body; i am sorry that control was taken away from you once. i do believe that you will be able to 'be normal' in the future, but that might not be able right now. perhaps what could help you is indulging more in activities that you enjoy (that do not relate to what you've gone through)? although distracting is not always the best tactic, some activities help to clear your head, and then you might be able to sort through what you think is best for you in regards to your situation. it might not come completely at first, but with some thought (and perhaps some help from those of us on here and people who care?) it should come to you.
i found some links that may be able to help you: one, two, three. hope this is of use to you, and best of luck!!
I understand.