I should take it first
I used to consider my harmful feelings and moods like a piece of life, and now I feel shame for this letter. Some part of myself doesn't want these feelings to be mine, every time I want to let it go I say to myself, "it's not important, you don't even feel like that, there are more constructive things to do". But I need to take it first, then do something else.
When I was a child, my mom used to abuse me. She would beat me and shout so loud, putting me in a histerical mood, making me cry. I had no one to stop that. Had no friends nor supportive relatives (except my big sister, who used to be - and stay - the closest person to me). My dad did nothing to protect me. He left the family when I was 11. Because of the difficult situation in my family, I became unsociable for years. I could be friendly and even very kind, but I still had no friends, no matter how hard I tried to make them. Therefore, I described how to manipulate people. I could be romantic, nice and pretty - not for long time, but still - and I learnt how to make people fall in love with me. Since then, I've been in ton of relationships, some of them were with adults, and none ended happily.
My last boyfriend used to treat me like shit. He seemed so successful to me, as he'd gone through difficult childhood, and in spite of that he was pretty confident in things that I had no idea about. He taught me a lot of different skills, but every step that I tried to make by myself was mistake to him. He could be very kind at one moment and goddamn rude at the next one. This way, he kept control over me. After our first sex (which I'm confused about, as I didn't want to sleep with him, and apparently it was too soon for me, but somehow I decided to do what he wanted, so it technically wasn't rape) he broke up with me and desappeared for a year, but he kept an eye on me. He would occasionally wrote me about some not very serious stuff, and every time it happened I started trembling in fear and (OMG I was a fool) happiness. I cut myself, trying to understand what I did wrong, and I started to copy all of his actions, trying to understand him - and becoming more and more dependent on him. After a year, he came back, and the whole nightmare started again. I don't know what was I hoping for this time, probably I thought that I could deal with him. Haha, nope. He broke my heart again, and now forever. I think he finally realized what the hell was going on all these years. Now I'm 16, and I'm finishing the high school with depression. I have no interest in school subjects, which would have a negative effect on my exam results. I don't understand how to continue my life after three years that were lost in horrible feelings.
And here I am. Completely dependent on my ex, having no friends and happy family, having no idea how to build relationships with people. Lucky girl. I've never felt my loneliness so clear before.
Just remembered a wonderful expression for the feeling to your superior - "to look up on (someone)". Technically, there is just a little of looking up, and much more of looking down. Seeing closer, this feeling falls apart into looking-up, compassion, happiness, empathy and understanding, with grief and guilt connecting them together. Those who feel like that to their loved ones probably treat them like a part of a family, as this feeling is similar with relationships of cruel parent and child. Which made me think: do those who were abused in childhood tend to copy parental behavior patterns more often than others? Is this the way how evil makes even more of evil?
It seems to be statistically unprovable, but if we could ask two generations about their relationships with children (taking them in pair "parent-child"), it probably would represent the correlation. I don't know, just imagining. When you copy abusive behavior from your loved one, you unconsciously take revenge in your past, staying in superior position instead of being a victim. This is how I felt when I copied my ex's behavior, sometimes even repeating his phrases quite accurately.
The question that jumps to mind first is "am I just repeating cruel behavior to beat my past, or am I learning on my mistakes?". I think there is no accurate answer, as people can react on your behavior in different ways. What if what seemed cruel to you is okay to other people? What if what doesn't kill us makes us stronger? The one satisfying solution to me is - to observe each situation in each relationships and ask myself, "am I cruel? How this particular person would react to my actions? Do I really feel like that, or just want to pretend I am cooler than my opponent?". This is the only way I can preserve people from doing and seeing bad things that happened to me.
