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fatsquirrel
942 M Little Steps 1
PathStep 60 Compassion hearts68 Forum posts22 Forum upvotes18 Current upvotes18 Age GroupAdult Last activeMay, 2016 Member sinceApril 20, 2016
Recent forum posts
I should take it first
Trauma Support / by fatsquirrel
Last post
 April 24th, 2016
...See more I used to consider my harmful feelings and moods like a piece of life, and now I feel shame for this letter. Some part of myself doesn't want these feelings to be mine, every time I want to let it go I say to myself, "it's not important, you don't even feel like that, there are more constructive things to do". But I need to take it first, then do something else. When I was a child, my mom used to abuse me. She would beat me and shout so loud, putting me in a histerical mood, making me cry. I had no one to stop that. Had no friends nor supportive relatives (except my big sister, who used to be - and stay - the closest person to me). My dad did nothing to protect me. He left the family when I was 11. Because of the difficult situation in my family, I became unsociable for years. I could be friendly and even very kind, but I still had no friends, no matter how hard I tried to make them. Therefore, I described how to manipulate people. I could be romantic, nice and pretty - not for long time, but still - and I learnt how to make people fall in love with me. Since then, I've been in ton of relationships, some of them were with adults, and none ended happily. My last boyfriend used to treat me like shit. He seemed so successful to me, as he'd gone through difficult childhood, and in spite of that he was pretty confident in things that I had no idea about. He taught me a lot of different skills, but every step that I tried to make by myself was mistake to him. He could be very kind at one moment and goddamn rude at the next one. This way, he kept control over me. After our first sex (which I'm confused about, as I didn't want to sleep with him, and apparently it was too soon for me, but somehow I decided to do what he wanted, so it technically wasn't rape) he broke up with me and desappeared for a year, but he kept an eye on me. He would occasionally wrote me about some not very serious stuff, and every time it happened I started trembling in fear and (OMG I was a fool) happiness. I cut myself, trying to understand what I did wrong, and I started to copy all of his actions, trying to understand him - and becoming more and more dependent on him. After a year, he came back, and the whole nightmare started again. I don't know what was I hoping for this time, probably I thought that I could deal with him. Haha, nope. He broke my heart again, and now forever. I think he finally realized what the hell was going on all these years. Now I'm 16, and I'm finishing the high school with depression. I have no interest in school subjects, which would have a negative effect on my exam results. I don't understand how to continue my life after three years that were lost in horrible feelings. And here I am. Completely dependent on my ex, having no friends and happy family, having no idea how to build relationships with people. Lucky girl. I've never felt my loneliness so clear before.
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