How my disturbing childhood distorts my perception of the world
I've been growing up in a tumultous home where there are two alcoholics (my dad and grandfather). In my society, it's not uncommon to live with my family when I'm over 18. My dad has never hit me but he has threatened to hit me quite a few time, let alone constant verbal abuse whenever he's drunk. Dad's drunken belligerence is the worst. He once hit my mom when I was in middle school. I was totally horrified. I wanted to help mom but I was scared that I couldn't do anything against dad. After that time, mom was about to divorce with my dad but for some reasons, she didn't do it. Until now, my dad is still an alcoholic. Whenever he gets back from work, he drinks a lot and as a result, he gets drunk. It's really frustrating when he verbally attack the family members. About my grandfather, when he's drunk, he often verbally abuses other people. My mom is already frustrated with 2 alcoholics and she complains about them a lot. Mom has really bad temper. It's sad to admit that I rarely fight with people but that's not the case for my mom. Ever since I was a child, my mom often ignores my emotional needs. She gets angry with me and ridicules me when she's frustrated with dad and grandpa.
I know that it's not true that all people are bad but I've come to believe that no one is real, cept for miserable/ abusive people. In relationships, I often fall for bad people. I somehow hold the belief that I can fix them while obviously, I can't. During high school time, I struggled to create and maintain meaningful relationships. I pushed people away when they wanted me to open up to them. I was scared that if people knew the truth about my family, they would hate me. It's unreasonable to think so, I know. Currently, I'm dealing with anxiety disorder. Many days at college are like hell to me since I'm stressed all the time.
Of course, I sought for professional help before but therapy is costly so I stopped seeing my therapist after a few months of counselling. I don't know where my life will head to. My self-esteem is so low that I almost go paranoid when thinking about whether I'm loveable or not :(
My heart goes our to you @ambitiousCity3124 as i hear whatyou have gone through. You are right when you say how a disturbing childhood affects your perceptionof the world.We know that the outcomes of emotional abuse and/or neglect are as you describe... getting into relationships with similarly abusive people, not feeling good about one self, doubting one self, and more..But your awareness of this can work for you. Awareness is the beginning of change... recovery and healing is possible. Sounds like you were looking for this in therapy, but as you say therapy is expensive. Sadly its usually in relationship that we are hurt, and it also in relationship that we are able to heal.Having friendships/relationships that are healthy can help. We are here to support you, and there are options like talking with a listener 1-1,becoming part of the Traumatic expereinces sub community, sharing here in the Forums. Remember you are not alone.
@rozie thank you so much for your kind words 
So far, I'm really grateful for knowing about the 7cups community. There're some people here who helped me a great deal with my ongoing life stress.Besides, I do not have a very large social circle but I'm glad that I still have a sufficiently strong support network from a few close friends. Again, thank you for reaching out for me, I really appreciate that <3
