Feeling Seen but also Invisible

**Sorry, long rant, just needed to get it out** Here lately Ive been really struggling with a lot of issues coming from my moms abusive marriage. I didn't live with them, and they got together right after (reason they divorced) my parents divorced when I was 19 so I was out of the house and living on my own 3 hours away. They were together for 6 years and while the first year maybe two were ok the last were extremely abusive to where I just waited for a phone call each morning about if she had run away to so and so's house or worse. I was never there when anything happened but always in the aftermath to pick her, bring her to my house, or whatever she needed. While my step dad never hit me he did try to rape me one night, feeding me alcohol (this is when I trusted him and saw him as family) while at a family party and then be began kissing me and rubbing on my vagina and boobs. I've been sexually assaulted on several other occasions when I was younger so I knew where that old song and dance lead and I was able to somehow come out of the haze of alcohol and stop it, but I think he thinks I blacked out after he left. He's also been emotionally manipulative pretending to be my mom and texting me saying awful things and taking forms with my personal information and trying to change it and say its his, and threatning my brothers and I, which thankfulky the threatening has stopped in the past month or two. The abuse towards me never really really affected me, I did what I did in other situations and just acted like it didn't happen. However its not until now that they are separated (since october) that I am feeling actual physical anxiety and I'm not sure why. I know she's away and safe from him but things will trigger me into feeling like she's in danger. I go to the gym and a medicine ball hitting the floor will stop me in my tracks for a moment even though Ive never heard him hit her and an extremely specific thing is anything about the Johnny Depp Amber Heard case. I went into this just kind of crazy obsessed panic for 2 months and I absorbed everything around that case. Now just seeing either of their pictures puts me on edge. Everything with them and my family is so public in my very very small home town, especially because my mom is white and he is black. Im not racist just trying to explain that when your from a backwoods ass small town people think its the end of the world when races mix, it's absolutely ridiculous. So anyway, everyone knows what he's done to my mom for the most part because of jail reportings and word of mouth, but nobody knows what he's done to me or anything else I've gone through prior. So when I feel just really down somedays and don't want to do anything and just feel sad and scared I know they can't understand why and I hate that people assume that his effect on my mom is the only thing thats effecting me when thats just a small piece of the puzzle. Its just frustrating, because I absolutely dont want to tell anyone. I've told my husband parts of each things thats happened over my life but I have never told him the names of anyone especially not my step dad because he would do something stupid. He's the only one who knows that things go a little deeper than just my moms abusive relationship. I constantly just feel like my husbands family (who we spend most of our time with) just looks past any issues I have, which in their defense I do try to hide it and I think I do pretty well, but other family members they are completely understanding about and don't assume anything and infact make excuses for. Its like I cant have a bad without them needing some kind of complete explanation or else I dont deserve to have a bad day because Suzie is working 3 jobs or Molly is a stay at home mom and stressed. Those are all absolutely valid reasons for people to have mental health issues but them not know my reason is not a reason to cast my struggles to the side. Its just frustrating and tiring and im trying not to get caught in my head again because I've been doing really good, but it almost feels like a cracking dam in my chest and the waves are chipping away at it everyday until i get to where I'm completely obssessive again.