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Emotional Abuse Survivor, afraid of falling into old habits

charmingZebra76 November 24th, 2016

Hello all.

I'm starting to worry that the woman I've been dating for the past two months might be emotionally abusive. From the beginning she has seemed kind of clingy, but I liked her enough that it wasn't a problem. Last night I had kind of an ah-hah moment when I noticed that some of her behaviors are kind of manipulative.

I stopped by her house after work to drop off some of her things. I told her I didn't have time to hang out, but she kept stalling and trying to get me to stay. She told me about how awful her day was and asked me to help her with some errands she needed to run. I felt bad leaving because I wanted to be there for her, so I decided to stay and help for a little while. I ended up spending two hours with her that I didn't really have. I realized that I had errands I needed to run before I left town for Thanksgiving, but they didn't get done because I was helping her with hers instead. Especially since I told her before I came over that I didn't have time to hang out, I feel like she doesn't respect my time and she walked right through the boundaries I'd set.

Here's another example. Last weekend, I spent the night at her house and I had set aside the next day to be with her. I told her that I had to leave at 4 o'clock because I had an appointment with my therapist and I needed to prepare for it. She said that was fine, and she'd drive me home so I wouldn't have to take the bus. What ended up happening was she took so long to get ready to leave, that I didn't have time to go home before my appointment. She drove me straight there, sat in the waiting room the whole time, and asked me if I wanted to go back to her place for a couple more hours.

I am a graduate student and I work two jobs, so my time is precious. She takes up so much of my time that don't have enough for my homework. I recognize some mistakes I've made in not sticking up for myself. I shouldn't rely on her for a ride ever again. I've been in two emotionally abusive romantic relationships before, plus my family is emotionally abusive, so I'm starting to understand that it's difficult for me to say no to people, especially people I care about, especially when they say they need my help. I'm worried she's taking advantage of that. And in my experience, manipulative people are very subtle at coercing people into doing things for them. Last night I didn't realize I was putting her needs before my own until I finally got home and I started crying. I felt like I'd been hit by a truck. Plus I was freaking out that I didn't have time to for the errands I'd planned.

Does any of this sound familiar? Anyone else who's had emotionally abusive partners that acted like this in the beginning?

4
ali1112 November 25th, 2016

@charmingZebra76

Hi. It doesnt sound like she is emotionally abusive but that doesnt mean the relationship is healthy. I think its very insightful for you to recognize that you have a hard time saying no, which often results to your needs not getting met. Most people who have a hard time saying no often feel drained from all they committ to. It will be an important skill for you to develop as you learn to care for others and yourself. You have to come first, at least sometimes or you will crash (like you did at home). Its important to help others but it cant always be at your detriment. Try to stick to your boundaries, maybe she will learn over time.

WildUnknown November 25th, 2016

Hi @charmingZebra76,

Like Ali said, it may not be entirely emotionally abusive, but it's certainly unhealthy. You say you've realized how manipulative she is, also based on your past experiences. Realizing and admitting these kinds of behaviours and tendencies in our partners and ourselves is the most important step. Next, you just have to decide what to do about it. You are at a time in your life when time is especially precious, and self-care and balance even more so. Being in a relationship and putting in the effort is great, and a high level of enthusiasm from both sides is too. However, being overly clingy and not respecting boundaries and the fact that the other person is still their own person with their own personal goals and tasks is unbalancing. For your personal development, goals, career etc, you need to get certain things like homework done, and she has to understand and respect that. Have you talked to her about her behaviour and that she is directly adding to work, schoo-related and general stress?

Saying no to people is indeed very difficult but essential to learn. You realizing you have trouble with this and that it's been an ongoing or recurring issue is a great first step, and working up to say 'no' for your own sake will come easier. Hurting other's feelings or feeling/percieving like we've let them down can be a crushing feeling, but heaping it all onto ourselves and burning out is worse.

In my experience those who acted similarily in the beginning often had a very hard time truly changing, and being able to get past liking who they could be vs who they actually were was also quite difficult. If it were me, I would have a talk with my partner about it, and set some boundaries for myself that theyr'e aware of, and I would tell myself that I would be able to walk away if the boundaries were breached.

1 reply
Ladybug11 December 21st, 2016

@WildUnknown I completely agree with you!

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Ladybug11 December 21st, 2016

@charmingZebra76 Now that you are saying all this I realise I may be doing similar manipulations to my current boyfriend and feel so bad :S Thank youf or sharing this it opened my eyes. See she may not notice she does these things, talk to her, point it our, make sure she knows how important it is for you to be able to keep your schedules. Maybe she is unaware, or she is aware and simple doesnt know how important these things are for you. Fact is its important to talk, communication is key :) I hope you figure a way out to get this sorted <3 best of luck and dont let her bring you down! Stay strong and keep putting yourself first :)