Beaten as a Child, Depressed as an Adult?
I don't know if what I have is depression, and I don't know if I even belong here. I haven't been to a doctor about this, or a therapist, never been diagnosed, and never really talked about it with anyone before. That's changed a bit in the last few days... I think I reached my 'breaking point,' as they say, and finally couldn't hold everything in any longer.
I guess I should go back and explain WHY I think I might have depression, which requires me to delve into my childhood a bit. (Right? OH NO! Another childhood story! Bear with me, I'll make it fast, I promise.)
Growing up, my mother would 'discipline' me with a 2x4 wooden board for such small infractions as accidentally knocking a picture frame off the wall. Not broken, mind you... just knocked off the wall. She would hit me with the board until she either wasn't angry any longer, or her arm got too tired to lift the board. She also used to tell me that I was ugly, and stupid, and had no talent, and that no one would ever love me unless I had sex with them first. She seemed positive that I would never amount to anything; and even though she demeaned me to my face about everything I did, any time I accomplished something or was rewarded for something in school, she would take credit for it. "That's my daughter! I'm so proud of her," she'd say. And the next day, I was back to being stupid and lazy and talentless. Her family - mostly her brother and his youngest daughter - would verbally attack me, making fun of me for things I had no control over. I was too skinny, too flat-chested, too ugly, etc.... It sounds innocuous, but it certainly didn'tfeel that way. Eventually, I learned how to make fun of myselffirst, and that way, they were laughingwith me instead ofat me. I would rather make the joke than be the joke, if that makes any sense. At the time, I thought all of this was normal, so I never said anything to anyone.
Long story short, eventually I grew up (*gasp* No! YES!) and moved away and just got on with my life. I never thought I was depressed, and never talked about what had happened. I just sort of buried it down deep where it wouldn't bother me anymore, and moved on. I got married, I have two wonderful children, a lovely house, a car that's fully paid for, and a job that I love. (I'm a special needs preschool teacher and choir teacher for 4th, 5th, and 6th grade) Occasionally, memories would bubble up, or I'd hear my mother's voice in my head telling me that my husband can't possibly love me because I'm worthless and ugly; or that ofcourse I messed up again, because I'm too stupid to do anything right. Most of the time, I can button it all down and tuck it away and just ignore it, and I'm okay.
But lately, I can't seem to do that anymore. I'm not sleeping, I have no appetite, my temper seems to be getting shorter and shorter, and things that I once loved doing (writing, reading, crocheting, playing the piano, making jewelry, etc...) hold no interest for me anymore. I still DO them, just to stay busy... but I don't enjoy it. And I can't seem to get my mother's voice out of my head no matter what I do.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to become the apathetic parent that just totally checks out, but I'm afraid that that's what I'm becoming. Nor do I want to become like my mother, but this shortened fuse on my temper is terrifying. I can't seem to control it.
Your story of survival is incredible. Never underestimate thetype of damage the type of abuse you were exposed to can cause.
Sorry, I didn't get to finish. I think you might benefit from talking with someone about your concerns. No one needs a reason, but you clearly have traversed a large amount of things that bring you to where you are now. You are remarkable!
I appreciate your confidence, and thank you for the compliment. I'm thinking of trying to find a therapist in my area, but I'm worried that my husband will see me as 'weak' if I admit that I'm not as strong emotionally as I've always seemed. We have friends who suffer from depression and take antidepressants or anti-anxiety medications, or who regularly see a therapist, and he is generally very cynical of these people, saying that depression is a "state of mind" and that it "can be overcome by strong will power."
I really don't want him to say that to me, as there's almost nothing worse than working up the courage to talk about something, only to be shot down by a thoughtnless, snide remark.
I still have similar experienced with my own Mother. It's been 19 years of the same shit. I've had enough of beatings from hand to belt to cane to switch to brooms to frying pan shoes oh God I can't. It always gears up my hatered so much for women. I've also seen my mother slap my dad. I've also got countless numbers of verbal abuse. MY MOTHER TOLD ME THAT I SHOULD NOT BE BORN IN THE HOLY WOMB OF ANY WOMEN. Christ......... So I bear the same pain with you my friend. And I can assure you that someday all red heads like this will have to pay. I don't know about others, but I'll make sure that I'll be the monster they want me to be. Someday. Don't worry I'm with you. Sometimes they forget that we are rhe firstborn of God. Don't worry I have better ways to make them remember that. They should know their limits. Otherwise when Time comes and the tables are turned we will forget ours.
I wrote something , I would be glateful if you read it. thank you.
@GraysonAlexander @JeffWM
yourenot weak by going to a therapist. the people that were abusing you were the weak ones. they couldnt deal with things and took it out on you. I never got hit by 2x4sbut was physically and verbally abused like you, as well as sexually molested. Dont let people saying youreweak keep you from getting help. Im praying for you.
