Beaten as a Child, Depressed as an Adult?
I don't know if what I have is depression, and I don't know if I even belong here. I haven't been to a doctor about this, or a therapist, never been diagnosed, and never really talked about it with anyone before. That's changed a bit in the last few days... I think I reached my 'breaking point,' as they say, and finally couldn't hold everything in any longer.
I guess I should go back and explain WHY I think I might have depression, which requires me to delve into my childhood a bit. (Right? OH NO! Another childhood story! Bear with me, I'll make it fast, I promise.)
Growing up, my mother would 'discipline' me with a 2x4 wooden board for such small infractions as accidentally knocking a picture frame off the wall. Not broken, mind you... just knocked off the wall. She would hit me with the board until she either wasn't angry any longer, or her arm got too tired to lift the board. She also used to tell me that I was ugly, and stupid, and had no talent, and that no one would ever love me unless I had sex with them first. She seemed positive that I would never amount to anything; and even though she demeaned me to my face about everything I did, any time I accomplished something or was rewarded for something in school, she would take credit for it. "That's my daughter! I'm so proud of her," she'd say. And the next day, I was back to being stupid and lazy and talentless. Her family - mostly her brother and his youngest daughter - would verbally attack me, making fun of me for things I had no control over. I was too skinny, too flat-chested, too ugly, etc.... It sounds innocuous, but it certainly didn'tfeel that way. Eventually, I learned how to make fun of myselffirst, and that way, they were laughingwith me instead ofat me. I would rather make the joke than be the joke, if that makes any sense. At the time, I thought all of this was normal, so I never said anything to anyone.
Long story short, eventually I grew up (*gasp* No! YES!) and moved away and just got on with my life. I never thought I was depressed, and never talked about what had happened. I just sort of buried it down deep where it wouldn't bother me anymore, and moved on. I got married, I have two wonderful children, a lovely house, a car that's fully paid for, and a job that I love. (I'm a special needs preschool teacher and choir teacher for 4th, 5th, and 6th grade) Occasionally, memories would bubble up, or I'd hear my mother's voice in my head telling me that my husband can't possibly love me because I'm worthless and ugly; or that ofcourse I messed up again, because I'm too stupid to do anything right. Most of the time, I can button it all down and tuck it away and just ignore it, and I'm okay.
But lately, I can't seem to do that anymore. I'm not sleeping, I have no appetite, my temper seems to be getting shorter and shorter, and things that I once loved doing (writing, reading, crocheting, playing the piano, making jewelry, etc...) hold no interest for me anymore. I still DO them, just to stay busy... but I don't enjoy it. And I can't seem to get my mother's voice out of my head no matter what I do.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to become the apathetic parent that just totally checks out, but I'm afraid that that's what I'm becoming. Nor do I want to become like my mother, but this shortened fuse on my temper is terrifying. I can't seem to control it.
Your story of survival is incredible. Never underestimate thetype of damage the type of abuse you were exposed to can cause.
Sorry, I didn't get to finish. I think you might benefit from talking with someone about your concerns. No one needs a reason, but you clearly have traversed a large amount of things that bring you to where you are now. You are remarkable!
I appreciate your confidence, and thank you for the compliment. I'm thinking of trying to find a therapist in my area, but I'm worried that my husband will see me as 'weak' if I admit that I'm not as strong emotionally as I've always seemed. We have friends who suffer from depression and take antidepressants or anti-anxiety medications, or who regularly see a therapist, and he is generally very cynical of these people, saying that depression is a "state of mind" and that it "can be overcome by strong will power."
I really don't want him to say that to me, as there's almost nothing worse than working up the courage to talk about something, only to be shot down by a thoughtnless, snide remark.
I can understand your fear completely. It kept me from seeking help for about 25 years. I'm 50 now and have been in pretty serious therapy for about 15 years. Honestly, I am at the point where I do not care what anyone else thinks.
When you get older andif you have trouble seeing, would you be afraid to tell your husband that youmight need glasses? Of course I'm being foolish asking that.
Think of it this way, you are unable to be a good spouse and wage earner if you do not take care of yourself both physically and emotionally. Would it be ofany help if you were unable to work or unable to contribute to your relationship?
If your husband mightnot stand beside you and support you forany type of difficulty you might be having, then that too should be addressed. Being married makeseach of you responsible (in part of course) for the other. I think somewhere when I was getting married someone mentioned something about, "for better or worse".
There are certain rights that I believeall sentient beings have. One of them is to search to be happy and free from suffering. I believe that everyone, on some level, is connected by the fact that we all suffer and we all want the source of our suffering to cease. (People will argue and groups will start wars over the causes & cures for our suffering-- but I do believe that we all look to be free from our suffering, and be happy.)
You have every right to consider therapy. Your spouse hasno right to stand in your way. Will the hour you are away from him cause him any undue suffering or pain, or will it potentially help you and make you a better spouse?
Don't worry about what other people think. Most of the time, people are only thinking about themselves. Do whatyou think is necessary for you to be happy(er). It can only help your relationship and your ability to do your job, as a teacher, better.
Well, that's all this fat, old man thinks. I takeabsolutely no offense if you, or anyone, thinks I'm wrong. Theonly thing that would concern me is if you, or someone else, thought what I had to say could be harmful. I don't believe so. I will stand by my word.
I do believe you are courageous. I don't believe anyone should grow up hearing the things that you did. I don't believe that anyone should grow up being physically or emotionally harmed. Deep down, I hope you find yourself well, healthy, and having the support from all of those who you love.
Again, I appreciate all that you've said. And you're right; he should support me. I do believe that. I suppose it's my own silly fear standing in the way, that keeps telling me that he'll have the same reaction to me as he's had to all the other friends. He's even made jokes about my childhood, saying, "Yep, there's your mother's influence again," when I exhibit signs or symptoms that I learned and cultivated as a child. I really don't do well with conflict, and will do just about anything to avoid it. I suppose that's from always trying to appease my mother to keep her from hitting me. But even now, I won't argue if I can help it. I'd rather cave and give in and avoid the argument, even if that means I'm doing something that I don't want to do, or NOT doing something I really do want to do.
That's happened often, now that I think of it. He always gets frustrated with me when I cave like that, but I can't seem to NOT cave. And the few times I tried to stick out an argument, he ended up mad at me and we didn't talk outside of necessary conversation (usually about our children) for a day or so. I don't handle tension like that very well, and then I always apologize, even when I feel like I'm right and he's wrong. There is very little compromising that we do, now that I'm thinking about it.
Hm. I guess I need a therapist more than I first thought.
I apologize for the rant... I meant to respond to each of your points, but this seems to have helped me come to a realization about my own behaviors, anyway. So, thank you. I appreciate your time, and your concern.
Rant all you want! You don't have to apologize. I am, by nature, a writer so often I'll have to write in order to 'clear' my mind and figure out exactly what I'm thinking.
One way or another, you need to let your husband know that these comments are destructive. Figure outexactly what you would like him to do to be supportive and let him know. (Perhaps a letter?).
Feel free to clear your mind here or if you prefer, given my username here, I'll give you one guess as to what my email address is at gmail.
I still have similar experienced with my own Mother. It's been 19 years of the same shit. I've had enough of beatings from hand to belt to cane to switch to brooms to frying pan shoes oh God I can't. It always gears up my hatered so much for women. I've also seen my mother slap my dad. I've also got countless numbers of verbal abuse. MY MOTHER TOLD ME THAT I SHOULD NOT BE BORN IN THE HOLY WOMB OF ANY WOMEN. Christ......... So I bear the same pain with you my friend. And I can assure you that someday all red heads like this will have to pay. I don't know about others, but I'll make sure that I'll be the monster they want me to be. Someday. Don't worry I'm with you. Sometimes they forget that we are rhe firstborn of God. Don't worry I have better ways to make them remember that. They should know their limits. Otherwise when Time comes and the tables are turned we will forget ours.
I wrote something , I would be glateful if you read it. thank you.
@GraysonAlexander @JeffWM
yourenot weak by going to a therapist. the people that were abusing you were the weak ones. they couldnt deal with things and took it out on you. I never got hit by 2x4sbut was physically and verbally abused like you, as well as sexually molested. Dont let people saying youreweak keep you from getting help. Im praying for you.