Angry, sad, hurt, & afraid
I feel like I wasnt given a chance at even a little bit of normalcy and the fact that my parents survived worse & immigrated to the U.s to give me a better life is why I wasn’t allowed to process anything. The amount of control manipulation, invalidation to this day really makes me so angry. Everyone could rely on me to keep there secrets, cry on my shoulder, bring them whatever they wanted and even physically abuse me, I was the youngest of four sometimes my mom defended me sometimes she used them against me. And now, I don’t want anyone in my life. Now that I see why I fell so deep while they all just kind of watched and said horrible things about me as I slowly killed myself and my sorrows with alcohol and drugs. But now, I just don’t want anyone in my life, but I know I need someone or Im going to go crazy.. and I had someone, but I just didn’t know how to treat him right. I would often dissociate but I had no idea. He left me and I don’t blame him. Meeting him made me realize that i did not like who I had become, I never again wanted to hurt anyone else the way I hurt him. But here I am, 7 years later and ive finally accepted my reality, I see my family for who they still are. And it hurts. So much so that I would rather just protect myself now. I don’t know how to trust ppl anymore. I always feel like they have ulterior motives.. i never had a chance, and I cant even blame them anymore cus I already knew, but in my drunken high state, I forgot and believed it was all my fault, that I was just born to be a horrible human being to teach others what not to do but now at 27 years old, 8 months sober.... i feel, hurt, empty, stupid. All because I wanted my family to love and accept me I refused to see the reality.... i think somethings snapped in my brain cus I just.. i can’t believe it.