Angry, sad, hurt, & afraid
I feel like I wasnt given a chance at even a little bit of normalcy and the fact that my parents survived worse & immigrated to the U.s to give me a better life is why I wasn’t allowed to process anything. The amount of control manipulation, invalidation to this day really makes me so angry. Everyone could rely on me to keep there secrets, cry on my shoulder, bring them whatever they wanted and even physically abuse me, I was the youngest of four sometimes my mom defended me sometimes she used them against me. And now, I don’t want anyone in my life. Now that I see why I fell so deep while they all just kind of watched and said horrible things about me as I slowly killed myself and my sorrows with alcohol and drugs. But now, I just don’t want anyone in my life, but I know I need someone or Im going to go crazy.. and I had someone, but I just didn’t know how to treat him right. I would often dissociate but I had no idea. He left me and I don’t blame him. Meeting him made me realize that i did not like who I had become, I never again wanted to hurt anyone else the way I hurt him. But here I am, 7 years later and ive finally accepted my reality, I see my family for who they still are. And it hurts. So much so that I would rather just protect myself now. I don’t know how to trust ppl anymore. I always feel like they have ulterior motives.. i never had a chance, and I cant even blame them anymore cus I already knew, but in my drunken high state, I forgot and believed it was all my fault, that I was just born to be a horrible human being to teach others what not to do but now at 27 years old, 8 months sober.... i feel, hurt, empty, stupid. All because I wanted my family to love and accept me I refused to see the reality.... i think somethings snapped in my brain cus I just.. i can’t believe it.
Manipulation is a terrible thing to use against oned child but I have witnessed parents using their children to play tug of war with each other. Fighting over control of another lifeform. Basically the universal story of human development. Humans are very possessive over things in general. Look how we are with what we call "pets". An animal companion is a friend whereas a pet is an object or status symbol. Animal companions serve a purpose where as a pet is just something you pet and look at. The same goes for parents using their children only for financial gain or bigger tax returns. I've seen many people do this and its sickening. Siblings being pitted against siblings all because a parent has a disagreement with one of them. These are all things that happen to many people and while that is true the opposite is also true. There are good people who would never do the things you or I have mentioned. Growing up in dysfunction, if you call the parent out for it they will simply say we are crying foul that they had it worse, and they use this statement as justification for all the wrong they do. My only escape from that cycle was to truly cut them off and leave. In the years following that departure I was able to find myself and build from there without any negative outside influences. When a person puts their own well being first, positive change can be cultivated into something beautiful. This resentment towards family though warranted was not something I could hold onto as it ultimately allowed negative thoughts and feelings to ruminate. So meditation and mindfulness practices became the norm. Trying to establish balance was difficult at first because of people around me being focused on material things or superficial issues trying to force my attention on things like television, fictional works, music that has derogatory undertones. While there are good works the majority of what I see in media is filth that corrupts the psyche of so many. One thing I have learned is that everything we take in has a profound effect on our psychological development. If we are around hostility all of the time we will adapt and change to make such hostility manageable, whether that involves drinking alcohol, taking medication, etc. The first step towards self improvement for myself was removing myself from the hostile environment. This was also the hardest step because despite all the bad I still love my family and hated walking away but ultimately knew I had to in order to save myself. While I know the chances of them making positive change slim, I still took the time to return and re enter all of their lives once I felt I was in an incorruptible position in my life. I hope your focusing on self care and improvement leads to beneficial results. All I ask is that you be patient and forgiving with yourself because healing is a long process we never fully get out of. Have a wonderful day my friend and may your struggles disappear with time.
