Traumatic Experiences Community Daily Check-In Monday 20th of August 2018
Good Morning, Family!! I hope you have had a nice weekend. ❤️ Please let us know how you are doing, or just say 'Hi'. Whatever YOU need to do today to feel supported, cared about, and loved!
I saw this qoute and it made me think. How often have I wanted other people to change me! I don't think it was on purpose that I thought this. But one night a few years ago, it was a real bad night, I somehow realized only I can truly change me. Only I could do the work, admit the pain, fall on my knees in prayer, seek out help. And this is what started my healing journey. So, what idea, or spark, or realization start your healing journey? Share as much or as little as you want. ❤️❤️
@KLM3278
Hi :)
I feel conflicted.. I want to do things on my own so I don't get convinced of the wrong mindset but it doesn't seem like I can do it on my own.. but I guess maybe I still desire someone to help me with the self care...
I'm feeling the benefits of being supported in a positive way but when I receive it directly in person it seems like it is with malicious intent...even in a safe space like therapy sessions.
Perhaps it is also because I never had my own opinions of myself that whenever something is said of me, even if it's after I portrayed myself in that way...it seems hurtful. The good opinions seem fake and were due to them not knowing the bad, and the bad ones seem to be true but I just didn't see them before.
Maybe I can secretly bring a furry stuffed friend to help motivate me to share the deeper stuff.
@humorousBeing8966
OHHH yes!!!! Bring your furry stuffed friend!! And why does it have to be in secret? ❤️ There is NO shame in stuffed friends! 😃
As for the other stuff you said, I immediately pictured a pair of crutches. Crutches offer support until we are ready and able to go it alone. Sometims the healing takes weeks. Sometimes the healing takes years. Its a journey. There is no race. I want to encourage you to try and lean down into the crutches. Don't believe the lies whispered in your ears. You are not what happened to you! You are dearly loved and made in the image of God! You are worthwhile and deserve to feel care, support, and love! So .. hop forward today! Even if it's a mountain you have to climb! Because you CAN do it. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️🐻
@KLM3278
I hope she'll allow me to bring fluffies 
I think maybe the reason why I was hesitant to ask for help before is because maybe I might end up relying on them and never getting off those crutches....maybe that's going to happen...
@humorousBeing8966
Hmmm. Well, that is called a "bad thinking what if" - let me suggest a different "goo what if" ❤️What if using the crutches ends up allowing you to start being able to move for the very first time!! And with each little hop you realize you can move a little! And all of us are cheering you on!! And walking (& hopping) right alongside you!!! And then one day, what if, you drop the crutches and discover now you're able to walk!!! And even if you stumble and fall a few times...you're able to get back up! 😮🤗😃❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
@humorousBeing8966
Hi Being 😊
Could you try to, when you have a moment, do a few minutes of meditation to calm your mind and body... and then ask your heart the question What is one positive opinion I have about myself? and just let whatever comes up, come up? (And if something doesnt come up thats okay, things dont always come up for me, or sometimes they do come up but later). Thats something Ive tried before and sometimes something nice comes up ☺️
@singercrystalspirit
The only thought that comes up is a bad thought and I have to quiet it 
@humorousBeing8966
Id be interested to know what color the thought is that comes up, if you happen to think of it again (I wont ask you to try to think of it again!) ☺️ I wonder if you could think of it as a gray thought or a green thought or a crimson (whatever color it is) thought, instead of as a bad thought?
Thats something else that helps me ☺️
@KLM3278
Hello!!
@sensitiveShade5337
👋🏼 at Shade 😊
@sensitiveShade5337
How are you today?
@singercrystalspirit
Im tired
@sensitiveShade5337
I'm sorry you're tired!! Here is a cup of tea for you ☕️❤️
@KLM3278
Thanks! Wish I had some clean clothes to wear.. I wasn't supposed to stay at my house but putting pieces together took us the whole day so we ended up staying. I didn't get clothes with me so I feel really dirty :(
@KLM3278
that's realy a great topic you chose here, KLM
for me my real true healing journey started as I took responsibility for my little one, my adopted son... that opened my eyes, I had to become better for him, I couldn't just give up anymore, cause if I would have given up, he'd been alone...
hope you're all having a great start of the new week... sending out hugs to anyone who wants or need one... or two... or three... have lots to give lol 
@courteousNorth5140
Hugs 😄
@singercrystalspirit
Hugs back great to see you in your new role here
@courteousNorth5140
Thanks 😄
@courteousNorth5140
Oh what you shared is so amazing! You're little boy is very blessed to have you as his mother. It's true I think - That something like caring for others can help us start to change our life for the better. I think I've heard before that helping other people for whatever reason, is actually part of helping us heal. Funny how that works. Thank you for sharing ❤️
@KLM3278
thank you KLM yes, that's very true, helping others helps us the same, or even more lol... well, that's what we're all doing here, right? 
@courteousNorth5140
That's SO true. When I first came here I was in such a bad place. I couldn't even help myself. Then everyone was so nice to me and really encouraged me. Then I started being able to help others and realized that also helped me! Now - it's a give/take (in love, hopefully) situation ❤️❤️❤️
@KLM3278
hey KLM (:
im doing ok which is good bc i start my last year of school tmro
this summer has been so long and wild and sometimes traumatic and im glad im going to school only bc it means i get to be away from my house, & i get to see my friends
i remember setting goals at the start of the summer, then july then this month etc
i was like wow i hope nothing worse than already happened happens, and ofcourse it did. but i survived it
im here. and my loved ones survived too which im relieved abt.
@wittySpruce8187
Wow!!!! You really did survive a lot it sounds like! How great you can say you did!!!! ❤️❤️ I'm glad you are starting school and can see your friends!! That sounds like it will be comforting!!! That you also can be removed from your stresful home isuses. HUG!!!! Keep letting us know how you are!! You are very strong!!!! I hope you know this!!! ❤️
@KLM3278
💜💜 thank you so much, that means a lot!
Oh also I wanted to talk to you, I remember you talking abt being confused or afraid when people care about you in that awesome check in you did
I'm really resonating with your words now, I think at the time I was in a bit of mental denial even tho like I knew accepting ppl loving me has always been hard
There's a person that I've known casually for awhile and now they're my friend which is amazing, great! I respect them so much and am so glad they feel they can open up to me bc they're really shy
But the anxiety inducing part is my friends think he must like me romantically which I would be honored bc I respect him so much but just gah. What why how where
I don't even know if I'm in a stable enough place rn for anything like that. These things stress me out a lot. For a bunch of reasons but I wanted to ask in the trauma family,
If someone likes you in an intense way like a best friend or romantically do you panic and worry that it'll all fall apart bc of everything in ur life or who you are?
Is there always a part of you that is like oh no, they can't see how messed up I am, there's always something going on with me?
Idk. I mean I'm trying not to judge myself as much and I accept that I want happiness and I shouldn't hate myself for that etc etc. But all I can think is danger! Danger!
Can anyone relate?
@wittySpruce8187
Ohhhhh YES!!! I can really relate! I kinda think everyone here can relate. I am terrified of men! It's been a MAJOR part of my counselor working with me. He is a man. I used to not even handle him looking at me. I still sometimes have panic attacks/anxiety if he gets to close. That has gotten better though. It's the hardest weirdest thing. A part of me sorta wants him to hug me maybe?? But at the same time, if he sits to close I can't breathe! I used to panic when he closed his office door. I'm proud of the work I'm done and things are better. All this said, I can relate! I don't know "why" all this is a struggle for us in the trama family. But it is. Wanting closeness. A relationship maybe? But also utterly terrified!!!! You are not alone ❤️❤️ But keep reaching out and trying. You deserve friends!
@KLM3278
Thank you for the considerate reply and you deserve good relationships too!
Yea it's definitely weird and hard I feel that.
I think it's brave you were able to tell me that abt your counselor especially since there seems to be painful memories
I can totally relate to being afraid of men or people that remind you of certain situations. I was assaulted by someone who is in a care profession so when I'm with people like that I automatically am on guard and don't trust them it's not very fun
I think tho with my friend luckily it's not like that. I've never been afraid of him and he's very like gentle like his whole demeanor and he's shown that he's kinder than a lot of guys I've known
So it's not as much like I have physically trauma related to someone like him just emotional I guess..
It feels like it takes me forever just to accept the concept of someone liking me, to love myself enough, so I don't take these things lightly. I probably take them too seriously. And then I obsess and attach my worth to ppl and let them hurt me
I don't want to go down that road ever again.
But this time it's not me obsessing or pining after anyone or even thinking of them romantically, he approached me. And he shows all this interest and genuine care and attention to me. It's bizzare. And it means a lot bc he doesn't open up to many ppl.
So I'm just like what, you. You care about me? Me even on a good friend level.
Wow writing this really made me realize some things. I've had so many messed up relationships like familial, platonic, romantic and I got hurt a lot. Then bc of that I let ppl hurt me bc I just wanted a semblance of love.
And then I was so ashamed and blamed myself for like every relationship even ones that I was the victim in
So people liking me emotionally freaks me out bc I'm like no. There's something wrong with me. You can't do that. It won't work we'll both just be hurt
Huh. Like I know logically there really isn't anything to be afraid of with this person liking me platonicly or romantically. He's just a kind, funny, good looking guy that I've respected forever for his kindness and realness. He's not like a God him liking me or not liking me won't devastate me. He's just a person
And I mean I am mentally messed up and my family is a whole thing that I keep secret from everyone irl to protect us. I'm in some crap like every week somewhere.
But like for now for myself I can accept the possibility either way
@wittySpruce8187
Update!:
School went well! I'm surprised too. Good classes good friends I really like the outfit I wore.
Tonight I got really anxious abt my appearance in the sense I was like am I finally appreciating myself? Finally? I want to
And things like where are me & my family gonna live /:
Update with that person:
Making him smile is so great it brings me so much joy. Honestly it's the best thing like awww
But I'm so confused my dudes. It seems like he likes me or just really trusts me which is still freaking me outtttt.
@wittySpruce8187
Thank you for sharing your update. ❤️ I don't know much about relationships and guys and girls. But it seems like you're trying to reach out and also let someone like you. Thats a big step. It probably feels scary? Or strange. But you are brave!!!! Keep trying all these things!!! We are cheering you on!!!❤️
@KLM3278
💜 thank you that means a lot!
It's funny like I can get thro really big serious stuff but talking to guys is actually super scary
@wittySpruce8187
It's SO scary I don't do it. So I'm inspired and impressed by your bravery. I haven't ever had a real date before. I cannot imagine that. I do acting and my last show I had to kiss a guy. It was beyond hard and terrifying for me!!! The director and my acting partner don't know my history. But the director held special rehearsals for me and my acting partner to practice kissing, until I could actually do it without backing away, laughing arkwardly, stuttering, and basically having panic anxiety attacks. It was embearssing. I have to say in the end I was able to do it and it was major growth for me. My counselor and people on here helped me alot to get through that. Any way, I admire you!!!!!!!! It is real hard!!! I'm not sure why but it is beyond anything else!!
@wittySpruce8187
Yay! Congrats to you on starting your last year of school!!! I am happy you
@singercrystalspirit
aw thank you!😊
Hello
Doing ok, trying to change my life
Hello
Doing ok, trying to change my life
@scarletPear1945
Hi!!!! ❤️❤️ Trying - that is the first step!!! Keep trying! You CAN make changes ❤️
@KLM3278
It's so easy to slip back when that's all you knew. Change comes with its price too. But the old saying is:
IF YOU KEEP DOING WHAT YO'VE BEEN DOING EXPECTING DIFFERENT RESULTS THAT IT'S MADNESS (LOL)
@scarletPear1945
Hi! I like your motivation 😁
@singercrystalspirit
Singer Thank you. I don't know whether it is motivation or Need to incentive or Have too.
@scarletPear1945
Maybe it
@singercrystalspirit
I agree
I am so thankful for all the people I have met and the support that I have received.
I am writing a book on the effects of Trauma and giving my voice to speak up and out on behalf of all the voices that have been silenced.
The book is about stepping out of shoes that were never ours to wear. The title of my book is.'' THESE SHOES DON'T FIT.''
I pray this book will become a true enlightenment to all who read it.
@scarletPear1945
That
@KLM3278 @singercrystalspirit
So great to see you buddying up for todays check in, and a great topic too.
What idea, spark or realisation started my healing journey? I had a sudden and very vivid realisation that I mattered and was worthy of kindness and goodness. That all the rights and blessings and choices and respect I gave to others also applied to me. In some ways it seems so obvious, but I understand that simple truth can often be lost on people who have been hurt by the negative actions and messages of others. Its now something I remind myself of often, and youll also find me saying it to others!
@DeborahUK
Yes!!! HUG!!!! BIG SAFE HUG!!!! Thank you for sharing this. ❤️❤️ It's true. Why is it so much eaiser to show kindness to others but hard to show ourselves compasison and care? Any way, I'm glad you had your realizations. Because you're awesome 🐻❤️
@DeborahUK
I love it 😁
Thank you 😊
Hi KLM
I don't really know what started my healing journey. I tried to get help 5 years ago, I had been self harming as a way to cope and I realised that I didn't want to hide anymore. But at that point I didn't realise that I could heal, I was still being abused, I didn't really understand that it wasn't normal. I think maybe joining this community has been the start of my healing. I was so scared to join, I worried that I was intruding, that I was overreacting to normal behaviour. But reading the resources and having validation that I wasn't overreacting has helped me see that maybe I didn't deserve it all. It's really hard and I still feel like maybe I did and do deserve to be treated badly, but I know that I can't magically get better and it will take time.
@FloweringBunny
Hi Bunny!!! Thank you for sharing so openly and for being so brave. I know what you mean. It's almost a shock when you realize the abuse isn't normal. Well, you know now!!! Safe Hug ❤️ And now you're on yoyr healing journey and learning that you did NOT cause any of the bad stuff to happen and you did NOT deserve any of it!!! Thank you for being apart of this family - every family needs a bunny! 🐰❤️ Keep moving foward at your own pace and leaning into your counselor and into all of us. You deserve to more than survive - you deseve to thrieve 😃🤗🐻❤️ Go for everything!!!
@FloweringBunny
Wow..that was very relatable...my mind was just speaking so loudly about how I didn't see all the signs and perhaps that's how it'll always be for me because I didn't see how wrong it was and how it could be for so long...and perhaps all of them thought it was normal too. It gives me hope I guess reading your post that there could be a change. Thank you.
@humorousBeing8966
To quote one of my favorite story characters.... "There is always hope."
@FloweringBunny
Hi :)
I relate to this - when something is the way you grow up, or if you are surrounded by it, it becomes normalised, and sometimes it takes a moment of waking up (which anything can inspire) to sort of shake off the "haze" you've been in, or something happening that helps you realize "wait... there's more... there's different behavior... there's other people...." etc.