I feel like my heart is shattered

Hi everyone, I hope you are all finding the little moments in the day that make you smile, and hugs to comfort your hearts.

I have a very heavy heart today, and its because of my mother. She has a birthday on Friday, and she had surgery last week for her heart. I have not talked to her in a long time for my physical safety and my mental health. But, I still feel tore up inside with guilt that I was not there for her during her surgery. But, at the same time she doesnt love or value me in any way. She alowwed all the abuse to happen in my house and didnt do anything to stop my family from hurting me, and then she didnt believe they ever did hurt me. I have all of this "Yuck" in my chest, I am fighting a war in my heart, and either way I am losing. Also, I am having nightmares and flashbacks again and not sleeping very well. I just want to be loved and accepted, and not treat myself like the bad guy any more... I would so appreciate it if some of you would help me calmly focus, see where the truth actually is in all this mess, and feel love again.