How?

How does everyone move on ?

I am guessing this is trauma... I’ve neatly boxed it and compartmentalized so as to not think about it. Thinking makes me break down. Ego trying to frantically save me from my own self I assume. I’ve lost so much. Everything has crashed around me. Family... friends... my life my health. All of it.

When you lay it all out in succession it’s no wonder I don’t even want to touch it with a ten foot pole. I don’t want to off myself. I accepted I needed therapy.. sad sad part is counseling/therapy is swamped and/or therapists have left due to refusal of eknockyoulation. We are so divided that we cannot open up to people anymore for fear of being ostracized blocked or disowned. No wonder mental health is such an issue during these past 2 years. Ranting in left field.. sorry. Not sorry.

you know that feeling.. that gut feeling.. when you realize there’s probably no hope or help for things. It’s a realization all in itself, as it’s too complicated. No doctor anywhere has the time to listen to all my things and help remedy them. Docs say what are the most pressing issues? Physically.. as I have chronic illnesses. I filled a complete page. Take a deep breath and say them all very quickly. And those are just the worst ones.... docs give you that look. Like shit..

off in left field again. During a cross country move, as a sick person with Multiple Sclerosis and POTS (my partner mom and step person were all going to buy a house) I was attacked by a family member, physically and mentally abused, bruised, throat sore from being choked, threw to the floor with a boot to my face, gaslighted, and left in the woods. My so called support system blamed me.. ME.. fir “pushing a man too far to the point of violence” mind was blown. Blame the victim?? I was in an upside down world. I was afraid for my life, seriously. My support system says I am the cause. I was numb.. then I was pissed.

my brother helped me get out of that situation. He was mad... drove a few states to my mother in laws. fast forward to Xmas he has them over at his house..doesn’t tell me. He has the person whom I explicitly confided to, the awful things this man said snd did to me. At.his.house. It really hurt.... I tried to contact my dad. He doesn’t care I exist. My brother is a traitor. And I cannot comprehend it, unless they told him lies 😖

The only person who cared enough to talk to me was my grandma.. who I probably inadvertently pushed away as her political views are different and I was just being me... clash. Sadness. My family is gone. My friends are in n the other side of the USA but have busy lives. Partner snd I are stuck now, no funds our zoo staying at his moms. I have NOBODY to talk to. Except my partner who has his own mental battles. I am a burden. I started writing goodbye letters as my mind said I should. Nonchalantly. I don’t care about much and that’s scary. Counselors are booked 5 months plus. I kind of just give up. I would hate to leave my partner stuck with our pets to take care of. I’m thankful for that a little or I’d be gone by now. I found myself walking out the door at night in the bitter cold and not loooking back. I ended up in a park . My BF found me. I have as numb and just wanted to get away Freon myself. Away from this life, just away. Don’t want to eat. As a dog rescue person I cannot bring myself to work with my dogs. I have to put on a happy face for my mother in law. Or feels like it. I can’t Poop. Too nervous. Get impactions often. Constant state of fight and flight. I’m done talking now.