i might not even care, don't know where to start

I've spent most of my life if not all of it hating myself that I don't even care about others as well. This might be the cause-effect of my childhood trauma and this self-realization just occurred under years of self-lies trying not to confront my feelings about things or do anything about it. I've hurt others verbally, mocked their pain, being avoidant, dissociating when talking to, and slowly disappearing into the background without a word. I didn't do this with ill intent but I'm tired of not being upfront with honest, and talking to them, without a more caring nature. I can do physical things for them but mentally I'm just doing it for myself to feel alive I guess. which had a short-term effect.

I'm 38 and I'm lacking self-reliant with codependency that gets disability checks I'm living with a family who wants me to leave now cause of my actions/non-actions for years. My only plan to get better is to pick up a part-time job and get therapy, other than living somewhere else by myself scares me.