When you lack a Mirror
I find myself attempting to process some very difficult emotions lately. My best friends and chosen family keep saying I'm sick even after I've explained in detail why I'm not sick and the steps I've taken to prove I'm making the best choices for myself. I typically trust my chosen family's perception of me, but it kind of sucks when everyone keeps telling me to get on meds or that my brain isn't working properly just because I had an episode a while back. It makes me feel like they don't put any effort into understanding me as a person and they only want me for the advice and insight I'm able to give.
I feel like I keep doing all the right things and everyone enjoys that I get things right, but the moment I'm a little too vulnerable, a little too unstable, a little too much - I'm immediately told I'm the problem. There's no questions on Why or How or What I mean with the words I say - they just go ahead and go "NOPE!'
How am I supposed to form intimate connections when people do that?
How am I supposed to lean on others when they prove I can't trust them in my darkest moments?
Am I just meant to be alone?
Firstly, no you are not meant to be alone! The people you are reaching out to may not know how much you need them, or they may have issues of their own and don't have the space for yours, or they are just too uncomfortable in the presence of negative feelings. A lot of the time these seeming refusals to listen are no reflection on how they feel about you or how they see you, it's simply an internalisation of feeling let down or judged by others.
For now if you can't find anyone close to you that has the capacity to sit with you in these negative emotions and just let you be, you can find that here in this community and hopefully those relationships will grow to the point they can do thay for you.
It sounds like you are working on yourself already, please don't let this deter you from your journey, you are doing amazing!
