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writingmagick404
17,264 M Progress Road 4
PathStep 56 Compassion hearts1,834 Forum posts25 Forum upvotes57 Current upvotes57 Age GroupAdult Last activeJanuary, 2024 Member sinceJuly 23, 2022
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Safe space
General Support / by writingmagick404
Last post
 May 9th, 2023
...See more I like coming on 7 cups bc the group chats always feel like a safe space to share things with others. But lately it feels like trying to chat with an individual listener is the worst idea I've ever had. I'm tired of people asking me how they can "help". Not looking for "help". Way more than that, I'm tired of being told what I am / what to do. You don't know me enough to tell me what I am. Moreover, why would a Listener tell me what to do or not to do? Also, conditional apologies. Need I say more? I just. I struggle with wanting to come back for a longer conversation when listeners haven't proven to be good conversationalist. Makes me feel like I'm safer in a peer space than a 1 on 1 space. Which just sucks because sometimes I want to be able to talk extendedly, safely. Without someone telling me to "not be judgemental", even when I'm unfailingly polite.
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Narcissistic mother?
Family & Caregivers / by writingmagick404
Last post
 December 9th, 2022
...See more A couple of months ago I went through a bit of a traumatic event that triggered a lot of memories that I thought were lost. Among these, there were many about my parents. My parents divorced when I was 6, but separated since I was 4. I never considered it traumatic until recently, when more memories kept popping up. All of a sudden, I remember my dad taking me to see the women he would cheat on my mom with and I would spend time with their kids. Add to that all the time I spent in the courthouse from psychs to social workers to judges (oh my!) Anyway, I'm about to turn 23 and I'm doing my MA in New York. My mother insisted she move in with me and how I'm just feeling so angry at so many things I wish she would just own up to. After she and my dad got divorced, she became severely depressed. Often she couldn't get up from bed. I remember having to take care of my little sisters consistently. When I was 12, she "allowed" me to have a long distance boyfriend. This was the son of a guy she was dating at the time. I mostly just followed whatever she told me. At the some point, the boy asked for naked pictures of me. I didn't know why. Mom said she knew why and took them for me. I didn't realize it was sexual assault until later. Even after facilitating this encounter at freaking 12 years old, she shamed me for having sex with my then boyfriend at 17yrs old and exchanging pictures. She regularly says she's jealous of the relationship I have with my two little sisters and I have to constantly remind her that it's not something that came out of the blue. I cultivated those relationships ever since she couldn't wake up bc of how depressed she was. Almost a year ago she took me to this real estate seminar thing and they offered her a course that cost a couple of thousand dollars. She wanted me to cover for it. I asked her point blank if she would actually put in the effort or if it would be another one of those half baked things she did. She said she really would put in the effort. A year later, there's nothing to show for it and I haven't gotten my money back. She claims I don't know what I'm doing with my money but she doesn't handle hers well at all, spending it on trivial things. She claims she moved in with me to take care of me while I study so I don't have to think about cleaning clothes or food or whatever - but constantly complains if I don't do the dishes or throw out the trash or whatever. I feel like the more I think about it, the angrier I get. I'm *** off I didn't get a normal childhood bc I had to be the grown up. I'm angry that nobody ever celebrated my wins so now I'm terrified of failing. I'm upset that I feel like child not because I am, but because I'm treated like it while at the same time being held responsible for the family's emotional and financial well being. Really the icing on the cake is that the traumatic event was mostly a substance induced psicosis. She took me to the psych ward against my will and told me it was my fault because I don't tell her things. I told her that it's her fault because she *taught* me not to tell her things. She taught me to do things by myself and tell her after. Whenever I was open with her, she'd make fun of me or tell me I did it wrong or whatever. And then she said I was making stuff up to hurt her. I just don't know how to deal with this without anger festering inside me. I feel like the more thought I give it, the more *** off I get. I don't want to touch her, I don't even want to see her. I wish I could just throw her out of my life. I've been raising myself anyway.
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Losing Time?
Bipolar, Schizophrenia & Psychosis Support / by writingmagick404
Last post
 June 18th
...See more A couple of months ago, people say I experienced a psicosis episode where I lost concept of time. I still hold it was more spiritual than delusional, but I wanted to ask if anyone has experienced something similar. During this time, I was using THC rather regularly. This was normal for me at the time because it helped me sleep after the use of my stimulants for ADHD and my work and school kept me in check in regards to tasks and time. When summer rolled around and I was still using THC - I think that's when things got complicated. I do lose track of time over the summer, because of the lack of tasks and commitments. I don't think this is unusual. I was, however, having trouble sleeping and eating. I think that because I had developed a tolerance to THC, sleeping became more difficult, and I have always had trouble eating bc of the stimulants and body dysmorphia. I focused more on trying to sleep than trying to eat, so I started listening to audiobooks to fall asleep and calm down. I was listening to my favorite book The Wise Man's Fear. Now, this book is all about the "Names of things" like being able to understand the wind to the point that you can call and command it - like you do people, for example. And since I'm listening to it as an audiobook, I started understanding a lot of things in the sense that I understood how and why words are spoken. It felt like I was connected to the universe and I understood exactly how words came to be. All of a sudden, it was like I could do math with words. I searched for tools to help me understand, and I found the wheel of emotions and applied theorems to understand the opposites of them. I drew maps and trianguled concepts with others. I don't know how to explain that the whole world suddenly made sense to me - no guess work at all. But time eluded me. The only map I didn't understand were calendars - they didn't make any sense. Like, why is October not the month number 8? I remember I went days or maybe weeks without sleeping properly trying to understand time. I felt rational and logical, just... distant from the world. That, and eating seemed like the worst idea in the world. I went to see a spiritual healer for help, but she said she wouldn't help me - and that kind of sent me into a spiral? It was as if my soul left my body and I had no control over what I was doing. I just wanted to sleep, but I couldn't find a way to sleep. A friend gave me sleeping pills, and while I do remember sleeping, they said I didn't sleep at all. They interned me in a psych ward and I swear, I got worse. Way worse. They didn't have clocks or mirrors or calendars or anything that would help me tell time. All they did was yell at me to do things, force me to eat, force me to shower, and yell awful things at me saying that I was a bad person who only bothered them. They gave me so many pills I was basically in sleep Paralysis the whole time. I kept saying that I needed to leave, that I had things to do back home. They told me I was aggressive, even though I couldn't hurt a fly... I was discharged out of pure luck, by a nurse who noticed that I kept getting worse as other nurses yelled at me and took measures so that they wouldn't keep doing that. After I left, I kept having this paranoid feeling that I would wake up back there in the cold with people yelling at me. I couldn't sleep for 3 days, afraid I'd wake up back there again. I stopped taking most of the meds they were giving me in the hospital, and slowly, I started to feel better. Slowly, time started making more sense and the days moved at a normal pace. It felt like I was trying to de-pavlov myself from what I was told to do at the psych ward. Slowly, I started using THC again and I felt so much more like myself. I had told the nurses and doctors that my diagnoses were depression and ADHD, but they didn't give me my regular meds. They gave me this whole different cocktail and diagnosed me with bipolar disorder after only being there for a couple of days. The drugs they gave me made me feel crazy. When I started my zoloft and stimulants again, I started to feel more like me. As I slowly introduced THC again for sleep, I felt more competent and whole. I dont know, I just think that maybe the psicosis episode was just an episode where I forgot how to interpret time "properly". And that the hospital left me traumatized and made everything worse. Has anyone had a similar experience to this? Where doctors ignore previous diagnosis and just plow through regardless of your experience? Alternatively, has anyone felt like they exist in a place outside of time and have that affect the way you perceive and adjust to time?
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When you lack a Mirror
7 Cups Online Therapy / by writingmagick404
Last post
 August 30th, 2022
...See more I find myself attempting to process some very difficult emotions lately. My best friends and chosen family keep saying I'm sick even after I've explained in detail why I'm not sick and the steps I've taken to prove I'm making the best choices for myself. I typically trust my chosen family's perception of me, but it kind of sucks when everyone keeps telling me to get on meds or that my brain isn't working properly just because I had an episode a while back. It makes me feel like they don't put any effort into understanding me as a person and they only want me for the advice and insight I'm able to give. I feel like I keep doing all the right things and everyone enjoys that I get things right, but the moment I'm a little too vulnerable, a little too unstable, a little too much - I'm immediately told I'm the problem. There's no questions on Why or How or What I mean with the words I say - they just go ahead and go "NOPE!' How am I supposed to form intimate connections when people do that? How am I supposed to lean on others when they prove I can't trust them in my darkest moments? Am I just meant to be alone?
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