Still working to save my marriage
We Have been separated for about 3 weeks almost a month and it’s been the worst month of my life so far. I have been able to control my anger but I have been so depressed I have lost 25lbs from it. I am at the point where I don’t know how she is feeling anymore. I have stopped yelling and getting angry over everything. I have been spending time with the kids. And not being lazy anymore. She keeps saying time will prove it but for me time isn’t an ally of me. I feel she will find someone new and leave me for good. We have been together for 15 years and I she’s put her through *** with my lies and porn addiction. I need to keep going and save this.
@monkeywrench091 I remember you thought maybe you would be reunited after the holidays. Perhaps you’re disappointed that it didn’t resolve on your timeframe. It sounds like you’re feeling really afraid of losing her. It also sounds like she said it’s going to take time for her to believe real change has happened. I understand her perspective. It also sounds from what you’ve said today that there were other damages besides the anger that you brought to the relationship. If I were you I would try to temper your fear and desire to return to the status quo with a lot of patience and a lot of viewing it from her perspective. Meditate on that, maybe marinate in that for a little while. Be calm. If you’re a pressure cooker of the anger you’re suppressing or the impatience you’re feeling, you’re going to look like a rattling pressure cooker. She wants to know that if anything lifts the lid that everything is truly cool inside. You yourself wouldn’t open a pressure cooker 5 minutes after it had been boiling for months. No, you wold wait a few hours or days, maybe feel the sides to check if it was truly cooled down. Breath. Enjoy the new you that’s been keeping it together well for several weeks now. Stop worrying about the end result as much as possible. Question: Do you think it’s smart of her to be a bit cautious? If you imagine you were her friend, looking from outside the relationship, what would you advise her to do at this time?
I know she is being cautious but there is also other people trying to get to her and I fear I am going to lose her for good. I am seeing a therapist starting tomorrow and I hope it shows that I am really trying. Right now no matter what I say I upset her in someway. I have done a complete 180 and instead of getting angry I keep busy by doing house stuff or play with the kids. I just wish I could fill time with her as well.
@monkeywrench091 I am glad to hear that you’ll be seeing a therapist.
@monkeywrench091
My reflections is that most people around us may have some wrong ideas about how anger works. We are not getting angry because it is particularly rewarding or pleasant - because it is just the opposite! But I believe anger gives us some kind of an armour against feeling lonely, sad, confused, frustrated, helpless, worthless...
Now it seems your shields are down, so it sounds quite natural you are confronted with your fears. And if you said you lied to your wife, now you might be more afraid of being lied to - these are the consequences of the mistakes we made in the past.
We are not living in the desert, always being surrounded by other people (and - theoretically - other relationship opportunities). But if your spouse chose to be loyal to you, I believe she remains loyal.
How about just trying to be the best version of yourself, but at the same time being understanding towards yourself and not putting too much pressure on you (to not cause any "reverse effects")?
One step at a time, one day at a time. You'll get there.
