Relationship issue
Hello guys, i joined this not too long ago and i feel as if im back on here from time to time. And it's always the same reason. I'm 20 living with my boyfriend of almost 4 years. He's the most loving teddy bear i have ever met. The issue is that.. we dont quite understand each other. He also has a bad track record of keeping empty promises.
Today, i called him out for blowing through 3 packs of 8ths. He didnt blow through it himself he did it with his friend. Now, i was at work and i needed an uber ride home and i asked him if i could use his card he said yes, BUT he also said "dang i cant get any more now". So naturally, that made me feel weird because how are you so comfortable blowing three packs of that with your friend with no complaints, yet i ask u for an uber and it's like wow. I paid him back his 9 freaking dollars.
(i never ask him for anything at all guys)
it also made me think, in the past 4 years that we've been together i've only received 2 presents. Which is a ring and a necklace.
i just feel like it's not fair because i do things for him. He says he busts his butt at work. But what about making me feel special? When he comes home i make sure theres food, when showering i wash his hair, when i see something that he might like (food, clothes, etc) i get it just because but for some reason he can't do the same thing.
sadly, i am also tired of running the relationship and always constantly leading it. Im the doer, the organizer, the planner. He's the follower and throws money at it.
anyone at all is welcome to share their advice. Especially ones who have went through this. Please i need help.
@honestJar5435 I am glad to see you participating at 7 Cups. It must be rough to be in a relationship where you have different priorities. I am assuming that the 8ths refer to cannabis (if wrong assumption sorry) so that sounds like he is spending money on recreational drugs and possibly placing your need for a ride less a priority.
Not sure what to do but it seems like you do not see eye to eye on some things. You sound like the giver and he the receiver except maybe he tosses money at it, although not always when you need it. The risk in any relationship where one person is always giving is co-dependence whereyou support him in the home and they just go along for the ride. This is probably a simplistic description but you may want to make a chart and on one side put all the things you give and on the other all the things you receive from the relationshiop. Then you can make an assessment of the value of the relationship to you. If he is paying your expenses, then that should be considered.
I hope you find a way to cope with things or resolve them in a satisfactory way.
He's not paying for any of my expenses. Like i mentioned i don't ask him for anything.
@honestJar5435 well that is good news in a way because you can be financially independent if you choose to live independently. The choice is yours but the cost of housing can be expensive. If you can start and build a "rainy day fund" that would give you a nest egg in case you had to make a change at some point or he did something to make the relationship intolerable.
What do you think of the benefit analysis I suggested above?
What I have found is I cannot change my partner. I can only change my attitude. That has resolved a lot of the pain and frustration for me even though things are not perfect.
Hmm.. i should change my attitude.. he did say that he changed and stuff because we had a rocky start and he says that he's tried hard to control more of his emotions because he used to be rough with everything, he had a i dont give a damn attitude, but once we were together for long, he changed it. I feel like im asking for too much now. He did do a lot of work on himself... but is it bad that i'm asking for a little more? And now i feel like i'm very materialistic..
@honestJar5435 I hear you. But when you posted this thread there was something troiubling you about the relationship. Only you know how important that is.
Still you can go a long way to being happier by basing happiness on your own mind not someone else and their random actions.
I think only you can decide how this relationship is going and if it is what you hope for. Buy yourself a present if you need one. Just think what does he do that makes me happy and what does he do that makes me feel he does not care about me as something else in his life.
He may be the one that is more concerned about his own little world. And the bottom line is what do you want to tolerate and what is the line which makes you really recosider the relationship. It is up to you there are no objective standards of how a relationship should be.
Hey! I totally get this. I’m in a same sex relationship, have been for 8 years now & everything you’re describing I can relate to so much. It’s a tricky one really because you love this person but in the back of your mind is the question of do they actually love you the same otherwise these things that we do for those that we expect in return should just come naturally and they should want to do these things for us because they love us and we love them. Maybe it can also be the people that we are compared to the people that they are and in all fairness no 2 people on this planet are exactly the same. I suppose it comes down to learning about one another and communication is so very important.
reach out whenever you feel to, I’m always here!
Oh wow.. that opened my eyes. Thank you for your input! And you are right. No two people are the same. Maybe i'm trying to make him turn into me? But the thing is, i don't want to change him as a person because there should always be a part of him that he gets to keep and not constantly give everything to me. Same time it's like.. man.. am i just materialistic for wanting more surprises and presents? But my dilemma also is that i tell him what i want right, but then i lose interest because why do i have to tell you, you should've known.. i dont know i feel like im very unappreciative :(
There's nothing wrong with expecting someone to know what you want for presents, or surprises, especially if you've known each other for years! It comes kinda naturally when you live with each other to know what the other one likes and dislikes. But if you're noticing that he forgets days like birthdays, anniversaries, important dates that you'd like to remember, and he ignores the fact that you'd like some special attention on those days, then that's what may be upsetting you. There are people out there who put reminders in their calendars, just to be able to wish others on their special days. And then there are others who just don't care... funny thing is, some of those people want to be treated well on their special days, but don't reciprocate. And that's when it hurts. So, if you're finding that you're taking care of every little detail without asking for much in return, then you have the upper hand. Try going away for a few days, and see if he misses you and does special things for you when you return. Or stop doing a couple of your normal things for him, and see if he wants you to do them, or even notices them. This will start clarifying how much attention he gives you even on the regular days. I know that I've given thoughtful gifts to one of my ex's only to have them put back in the gift bag and left on a chair somewhere because it wasn't his taste or special enough for him. Yet, I got a cheap purse in return for my birthday, just for show that he had me on his calendar. Giving feels great, and even better when you don't ask for anything in return. But that's because you're the kind of person who doesn't say 'No' when something is expected of you. Because if you say 'No', you'll become the worst person ever, and that's just self-guilt. So you keep on giving, and this is when you drain your energy. If you start noticing a pattern where he gives excuses when you want something, or makes you feel bad about it, you may want to consider this relationship for real. You don't want to think about the length of time you've already spent together, but rather the kind of life that will look like should you continue forward with the same issues. Best wishes to you, and don't be afraid to make the right decision for yourself! You'll only look back and be proud that you had the courage to do the right thing to be happy! Much love ❤️
Coming from a guy's standpoint, I would say that yeah, the Uber thing is kind of not very cool as your request was extremely minor and his admission seemed like a thing to possibly make you feel bad. However, when giving a gift, it's a good rule of thumb not to expect one in return as giving gifts shouldn't be about give-and-take but more that you just want to do something nice for someone. Only give a gift if you simply want to give a gift, but for no other reason. And this isn't me telling you that you are feeling the wrong way or anything, because human emotions and feelings are very complex and are highly individualistic from person to person, and I likewise don't understand your whole situation. If you want to do a test, then stop giving him the gifts and see how he reacts to that. If someone is at a point where they expect gifts from another person, it's probably not a good thing as that should be looked at as an act of kindness but not a guarantee of similar things to happen in the future. Also, just talk to him about how you feel. The worst thing in a relationship is to not talk about things because resentment can build up and when it does can it become a whole other obstacle that can sometimes debilitate a relationship. Take time to think about what you want to say and how you feel and then simply talk to him. Even if a conversation like this goes into an uncomfortable territory, it's super important to deal with these things head on rather than allowing them to worsen. Once again, just my advice, and get some advice from other people, too, (friends and family) and see what their advice is well. Best thing I can say is let your emotions cool a bit (easier said than done, I totally understand) and give yourself a quiet space to deeply ponder it. That way you will know what you want to say, how you feel, and what amelioration you are hoping for moving forward.
@honestJar5435
relationship itself is a bumpy ride. From time to time I also find myself dwelling about staying or leaving. the so-called balance we expect is not a real thing in my opinion. we can think and say how it should be and how we want but it doesn't generally become reality. it's only a matter of how much you can take or how much you want to take. is it worth it to stay ?