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Hi everyone,
I've been on 7 Cups for a few months now, but I have been checking-in mostly when I feel like venting from the day's progression. Then, coming on here and browsing through some posts, I end up reading other peoples stories, and find myself in a different mindset than before, and finally check-out.
It happens every time, except maybe today I've gone too far and needed a place to vent. Apologies for any triggers and such, since it's my first time posting on something like this, and I'm not too familiar with the tags to add (if any).
I've been living at home for too long... far overdue to be honest. I've been meaning to move out, but I've been waiting for that extra special job that will land me with enough buck in the bank to be able to rent a place I can call my own. I quit my job last June and have been unemployed since, without much luck with interviews for a better one. To my own demise, I have been called over-qualified for certain jobs and thus, the interviews that I've had (the ones I can count on my fingers on one hand to-date) have gone nowhere good.
I quit my job for two reasons really - one, out of spite because I knew I could do better; and two, because my family was moving to a different country temporarily and needed me to be there. I like to think that I've given up a lot for my family, but somewhere I've lost them completely. I'm not the kind of person who will wake up at 5AM in the morning to make you breakfast or coffee, or pack lunch for the day, but if you're needing my help in a desperate situation, or a backup of some kind, then I'll be there and find all the resources to pull through, to my capacity. And I find that that's the kind of help (or people) that gets neglected most of the time. I don't want to be showered with compliments, because sometimes I don't take them well anyway. Maybe I'm modest, but most of the time, I am bad for finding reasons behind the compliments. I always doubt myself and never believe I'm good enough for anything. I go through anxiety in tough moments of my day, but never let it show, and sometimes it leads me to being stomach sick.
I've developed a few health issues over the last 10 to 12 years, and in the beginning they weren't manageable because I didn't know what it was. I have become this really negative person over this span of time, and my tone of speech has changed. Not from the physical issues, but from the lack of support I've seen from my family in that regard. When it all started, I was getting vertigo episodes from the anxiety, which put me out of work for 2, sometimes 3, days completely because every time I moved around in bed, the whole room started to spin. The doc suggested it was a stomach flu from the symptoms the first time it happened, and we stuck with it at the time. But then it happened again, and again, and again... for years. I almost felt like my family was getting sick of me, instead of me getting sick of whatever this sickness was, since I was always complaining about it.
In fact, I went to a few doctors to get 2nd / 3rd / 4th opinions, and did a bunch of blood tests, only to find everything normal - less the sometimes low thyroid / iron in my blood. The doctors never came back with any positive results that could tell me what the issue was, and after years and years of Google searches and mapping out symptoms, and doing online quizzes on God knows how many sites, I found out that anxiety and mild depression were the criminals.
After becoming more crude in talking to my family, they obviously became more distant. I was constantly complaining about my work and long hours (which was stressful being in the food industry), and I was getting a few more episodes of vertigo as a result. My brother thought I was always focusing on work, and not at home, so I quit that old job to prove him wrong. Then, I went into another spiral of sleeping too much and too late. Insomnia caught up pretty quickly.
And here I am again... in that same vicious cycle. Now, instead of sleeping at 10:30PM, or around there, I stay up till 7AM, and then fall asleep, and sleep till 5PM. It's like I'm doing a night shift, only without pay. ***, my family should literally hire me for security because I'm awake even while the dogs are sleeping. My reason for writing this rant today is because I took out my pent up anger on someone who was a complete innocent, and just became a reason / mistake of someone else.
I have been feeling so unworthy of living (and yes, there have been days where I just wished I was dead so that all the problems I've created for my family would just vanish). But then my logical side kicks in and reminds me that death will also cause them problems because they'll have to cremate me, and it will cost money. So, there's that...
My only question would be - what am I doing wrong? I am so used to writing up manuals and steps for other people, that I think I've forgotten to do one for myself. I'm so perked up about helping people that maybe I've forgotten to help my own, and to live up to their standards. I found this quote randomly online the other day "If you limit your actions in life to things that nobody can possibly find fault with, you will not do much!" And this sits so right with me because I feel like I've been trying to not do wrong by my family in so many situations, and to avoid making mistakes so that there is no conflict between us, but every time I do something thoughtfully, it just backfires on me and makes me feel miserable and lost. I feel like every time I do something to make them happy, there's always that hidden 1% that I couldn't achieve on the test, and Mum complains about it - instead of cheering me on for the 99%. I know that her standards are high, and I have tried to achieve them before, but now... now it's not about school, or career. It's about everything I do in life. Everything is under scrutiny, and if I don't do it her way, then it's wrong!
Maybe she's become more bitter too over the years, and I just haven't noticed it, and now, even the smallest of things triggers either me, or her, and we just end up talking in a higher pitch. I would rather keep quiet if it's my mistake, but when everything becomes a mistake, I think it's too much to take on for my brain and shut up. I have descended into a very deep hole of bad habits (except smoking, drinking, and rec drugs, so thank God for that), but there is enough to keep my mind addicted and occupied when I want to get away from it all. Too bad, I choose to keep my mind awake at night instead, and sleep through the day. In fact, it is 3:38AM as I write this, and I am not the least bit sleepy.
Having written my thoughts in one place, for the public viewing of all on here, I feel a bit ashamed of myself that it came to this - because I am a very private person. I don't know what I'm expecting out of it really, or if I thought I was writing a personal journal instead and just poured my heart out. But like I initially wrote - reading other people's stories on here kept me going for a bit longer before I really burst open. Otherwise, I was really messed up when I joined 7 Cups earlier this year.
I know that a person is not defined by their work, or title, but I do believe that it gives them the confidence and independence that they sometimes need to be themselves. I am definitely lacking both right now.
Finally, I just wanted to see if anyone had thoughts on how I can become more disciplined in waking up early in the AM. It has been my flaw since, well... let's just say since I was born. I have always been knocked out of bed by my Mum, and she's believed that if she didn't wake me up, then I wouldn't have passed college. In fact, it's the reason I keep "losing" my job, since I don't like waking up in the mornings, and complain too much. I don't know what to say to that, but maybe she's right. Maybe I haven't found the right job for me, or the interest in anything I've done so far to get me up in the AM, and say "Yes, today's a good day, and let's get rolling."
So, I am open to your thoughts and critical feedback. If you need to lay it down harsh, I am all ears. It's not that I can't take constructive feedback. It's the fact that, when every small thing becomes a flaw of your nature in life, life just becomes unworthy of living. I am at this point.
Thank you for reading this!
My prayers are with all who go through the many phases of this depression in their lives! 💖