I'm afraid of myself
TW - violence
Hi there, I'm Nicole
if you need to respond me just know you can call
me by my name.
What you are going to read now is what has been
going on for months in my mind, the weirdest
thoughts I get that are hurting myself a lot.
...
I always tried to get along with people, I tried to
socialize more, but there's always something that
is stopping me from talking to other people who
are my age or aren't.
I'm almost 17 and I don't have many friends,
although I believe that we must look for happiness
in ourselves and not in other people, but I would
like to be at least able to talk to people without
feeling this "locked door" inside me that keeps me
away from talking to them.
And it gets worst when bad stuff happen and you
have to defend yourself.
I just can't talk.
You know when you're arguing with somebody,
or somebody just comes up to you and asks you
something and you have to excuse yourself with
something? It doesn't come up easily to me: I can't
talk to people (or excuse myself) without tripping
over my words or making up a lie on the moment
because you just wish they go away, because
talking to people gives you anxiety.
Though it's not always like this.
But when it comes to anger and you have to let
out the anger in front of people, and you wish you
could tell them face to face what you really mean,
you just can't...
You can't and this fact corrodes you inside so
much that you get homicidal or incredibly violent
thoughts in which you imagine yourself beating to
death that person to whom you had to respond.
Sometimes it happens at home too.
I'm an only child, I live with both my parents and a
dog.
My father is a cheater and hates my mother.
My mother hates him for being a liar, a sinner and
cheater.
They have been arguing and actually fighting
a lot, mostly in the last 3 years because of our
recent problems.
And I am always the doctor who takes care of my
mother when she is short of air or starts feeling
extremely badly after arguing very hard with him.
I am always the lawyer who tries to defend her
over him.
I am always the crazy boxer who is punching him
because I can't help it anymore.
I don't have control on my anger anymore. When
I don't want to I get horrible thoughts of me
revenging of who hurt me emotionally. Like I
see myself pushing them really badly, or doing
something else crazy.
One day I had to study for a test and I really really
worked really hard on it and ended up with a very
bad grade.
I came home crying and I also asked my teacher if
I could take the test again because it didn't go as
planned because I couldn't study properly on one
hand because of my family problems.
She didn't listen to me.
I was mad.
I was thinking of planning a revenge.
I thought I'd give fire to her red Fiat car.
I thought I'd follow her until her house and give it
fire while she sleeps.
Same thing happened after I ended up with a
friendship that lasted around 8 years.
My old friend was a fake friend because she used
to hang out with our group of friends which I was
in it, and never called me to hang out with them.
Never.
It happened once. It happened twice. I had
forgiven her too many times. Then I suddenly
became extremely cold towards her until I
stopped talking to her.
Did I have thoughts about her too?
Yes I did. As soon as the friendship ended, I
thought that if she was getting any closer to me
I'd punch her face until she started bleeding.
Or I thought of actually getting a gun and start
threaten her and anyone who bothered me.
I thought of killing her during her sleep by giving
fire to her house as well since we both live in the
same town.
Just a few kilometres away from were I live.
People don't really know what could happen if I
get extremely angry, and that's what I fear too
because I don't want to explode (and I mean it
because it happens at home and I really start
yelling and it's almost a scream that comes out
from my mouth and I become extremely violent,
so violent that I'm afraid of losing control and
actually hurt somebody or even accidentally kill
them... This frightens me.)
If I did what I would've liked to do to some people who
hurt me or threatened me, I think I would've ended up in
jail.
I don't want that.
But at the same time I want revenge.
I don't want to be a killer though.
But I still want revenge.
This is what scares me.
I scare myself.
I'm afraid of myself.
Because I don't know what I might do.
I'm sorry I know this sounds like a dramatic thriller
book. I hope you can help me somehow.
Thanks for the attention. ♡
@NickyYayUwU I am sorry that you have such a difficult family situation. That must be rough on you.
There are no quick easy fixes but here are a couple things I do to manage anger:
- Try to get away from the situation that is triggering you. If you must be there do not take sides in your mind. Connect with the breath.
- Do not react to what other people are saying with speech or action. Try to see things from both sides if possible
- If things are really bad at home before a test try going to a friend's or relative's house to study
- Eat healthy meals especially when studying and or taking a test. Get exercise to reduce stress.
- Get a therapist if your family will support that or insurance pays for it.
- Use the Self Help Guides https://www.7cups.com/supportGuides/selfHelpGuides.php
- Get a listener that can spend time listening to you https://www.7cups.com/BrowseListeners/
Hope you get the support you are looking for.