need to break the cycle

Good morning everyone. I found the place where the addicts can share. So here it goes. I think I’m a lifer and it scares me death to death but things have me under their grip so hard it rings my neck. It started when I was 14 I’m 42 now and besides a year or two I’ve been going hard. I’ve tried changing poisons from one to one I think Is less detrimental but that doesn’t work because quickly I’m bored and go back to the other. It’s like my life is cursed. I don’t know the feeling of joy. I dont remember my childhood teen years my 20s my 30s and now I can’t even remember if I’ve taken my meds. I didn’t even remember what I looked like way back then .when someone sent me a picture I said “ who is that” they said “ dude are you serious? that’s you brain dead “ It’s like my life is one big blurry a.** picture. So you know I’ve tried and tried so many times . I’ve been to rehab 5-6 times. I’ve been arrested twice and currently in treatment. I’ve been locked up in psych wards for psychosis behaviors. Im a hot mess and it only gets worse recently I found out that death is lurking because I have destroyed my health. They have found so far 2 auto immune diseases and now I have to see a lung specialist next week. AND I STILL CANT QUIT . It’s like I’m dying so damage is done but then two days ago something weird happen . I got my fafsa I forgot I applied for and then accepted to a graphic and media arts degree program. There is no freaking way I can be an addict and try and be a student but I’m gonna try to get through it. I have to I have let so many people down. I have to show them I wanted to have a different life so I tried and I tried until I got it right. I’ve wanted to be s graphic designer all my life. I hope I get the chance to at least be a part of one big project. So today is day one yup I’m trying again. I’m biting my lips and basically sitting on my hands. I can’t wait to till school starts to get me out of my head. One big project and one smile from family and friends.

thanks for letting me rant