How can I help someone who doesn't think they need help?
My boyfriend has developed a problem with speed over the past year. I freaking love this man to death, but my help is really only in the form of rescuing him, which I know is only making the problem worse, and it's making me resent him. And he seems to resent me, too, sometimes, followed by remorse and utter despair. He knows he has a problem. He has tried to quit in the past when he was still at home, but now that he's been kicked out the problem has just snowballed. He has had bad experiences with rehab, so there is a stigma with him when it comes to professional help. But I think it's past the point that he can do it on his own anymore, and I don't know how to convince him of that. He has lost his job, his home, one of his friends, and is kind of in limbo with the whole coronavirus quarantine cause he has nowhere to go. He sat in his car at the end of my driveway all day after a weekend-long binge because he isn't allowed inside of my parents house, intermittently sleeping and bitterly asking why I wasn't sitting there with him. I don't know how to talk to him anymore. He needs support, but not the kind that I can give him. I'm afraid that losing me will drive him over the edge, and I can't abandon him when he is totally alone and scared. I'm so stressed. I don't know what the hell I can do anymore. He is such a beautiful person outside of this. I can't bear to sit by and watch while his life is falling apart, but I just can't keep picking up the pieces for him if he's gonna stay in this cycle.
@moonrake
Can't help anyone that doesn't want to help themselves.
@moonrake it sounds like he might be aware that he needs help, but it's just that he might currently feel that he couldn't do it, or that speed is the only thing helping him cope in life, or it's possible he feels there would be no point, or even that right now for him the pros are out weighing the cons of using. It's scary to stop something that is a way of coping, especially if he's had bad experiences in the past. But, rehab is not the only option when it comes to substance use treatment, I wonder if he would be more interested in a harm-reduction approach?
It's true that the desire to change has to come from him to be effective, and we can't force someone to change. But you can always try to have honest conversations with him, you can be truthful in how you feel, but it shouldn't be meant to guilt him. You could talk about the pros and cons of using, talk about his reasons for using and ask him what alternatives might be, talk about his dreams for the future, about what's important to him right now...it sounds like he's very important to you. It's a very difficult situation to be in, and I hope you're trying to be kind to yourself in this. In the end, his life is not your responsibility, these are his own actions and choices whether or not to seek support, and it's not on you to change it. It sounds like you're doing your best, and I would hope he appreciates you, because you really deserve to be appreciated. Take it one day at a time
