Am I even an addict?
Hi, I’m new here but having some conflicted feelings. I’m struggling and I feel like I need some help but I’m scared I’ll just be laughed at because I’m not physically dependent. Has anyone else dealt with this?
(sorry for very long post, I’ve never talked about this before so getting it all out aha)
I (22F) started drinking and smoking cigarettes when I was 13. I was struggling with an eating disorder and self harm (thankfully both in the past now) and fell in love with the buzz of nicotine and the escapism of alcohol. At around 14 I also tried weed for the first time but as I was new to it I didn’t know the stuff I bought was synthetic. It was scary and intense but as soon as it wore off I wanted (and had) more. I just craved that rush of actually feeling something and kept smoking it, but as I couldn’t afford much it was very occasional.
But then I moved away from home to uni and suddenly had access to other drugs and the freedom to smoke weed daily which I did. I tried quite a few different drugs but my favourites were Modafinil and MDMA. I took modafinil alone and quite regularly, partly to stay awake and focused but mostly bc I liked the buzz and the feeling of my thoughts going fast. MDMA I took with friends, at first we did it like monthly then it got to the point where it was multiple times a week so a tolerance built up. Even though I took more, the positive effects reduced and the negative effects increased, so I started combining it with weed and alcohol and other drugs which resulted in some very intense highs. Somehow I still managed to stay on top of work and uni, but this was the first time I really started questioning my use as none of my housemates seemed as bothered by the tolerance as me. They seemed to see it as something fun and casual, whereas I would be anxious about picking up and if I had to go without for a while my mental health would crash.
i just moved home again after 4 years and I am struggling. I still smoke weed every day and drink most nights after work (I’m a writer and bartender) but I no longer have access to anything else and I’m craving a high. It’s like I’m obsessed, I just lay in bed at night thinking about drugs and looking at old photos/videos that I’m obviously high in. I’m smoking more weed than ever and I’ve even been popping caffeine pills just to try to get a buzz. I feel restless and reckless and like I’m gonna go crazy if I can’t find anything. I have a family history of addiction (my dad) and alcoholism (my dad’s dad and my mums sister), and I feel like I need help but the idea terrifies me. I have no desire to stop smoking weed (and I can’t relax/sleep without it anyway) but I’m scared of *** up my life if I give in to the other cravings. I’m stuck somewhere in between and I don’t know what to do. Something needs to change but I feel like a fraud for even writing this post bc I’m not a ‘proper addict’. Has anyone else dealt with these kinds of feelings?
@5hyblue3yes “Proper addict”? There are two sides to your proper addict idea, if I am understanding what you are saying. Side one, “not an addict,” and side two, “definitely an addict.” If you’re trying to get a high through just about every substance and you obsess and day dream about getting high, I’d say you fall on definitely an addict. But you can get really tripped up on definitions. Who cares if you’re an addict or not - what is clear is you are worried about your substance use. There are several ways to quit. Some people go with a 12 step program, others choose something else. A 12 step program will say something like the issue is you (e.g. like you have a chronic life long but treatable disease). Another theory is that environment plays a part (google addiction and rat hotel) and I interpret that to mean primarily the “environment in our head”. You can’t make a lot of progress with any model unless you are not continuing the habit of using. Even if your friends are saying there is no issue and this might be what you mean by ”proper addict,” you seem to be questioning what you are doing. Drinking more than a couple drinks a day may be a serious hit on your liver, and unless you’re into playing dice with your health, you might want to replace that activity with something like running, cycling, swimming, rock climbing, etc which can go a long way toward getting a “high” or relaxing. Best of luck.
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply! The rat hotel stuff is very interesting and I’ll maybe check out some 12 step stuff too when I feel a bit more ready. I don’t think I’m quite ready to give up weed and I probably never will be, but writing it all down here is helping to put stuff into perspective about alcohol and the other drugs
Nobody can say if you are, or are not, an addict. For me, addiction has nothing to do with the "drug" that I use. Addiction is a dease of my thinking. The consequences of my diseased thinking comes out iny physical, spiritual, and mental obsession to find something to put in my body to make me think and feel different.
Good news, you can go to a meeting, get a sponsor, and start working through a 12 step program. There are no contracts for you to sign, no long term commitments are required. You can quit at anytime. All that is required is that you MUST be willing, open-minded, and honest.
I took several times fore to become willing, to admit that I was an addict. I would always look for the differences between myself and others in the meetings. But once I lost everything I owned, once I lost all of my relationships, once I had nothing else to loose, then I became willing.
You can keep doing what you are doing. We all have to reach a "bottom". Some people hit this bottom early, with relationships still intact and with some money still in the bank. Others,.like myself, have to keep going until there is nothing else to loose before we are ready. Your choice.
@1691htiekK
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