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5hyblue3yes
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PathStep 8 Compassion hearts14 Forum posts3 Forum upvotes1 Current upvotes1 Age GroupAdult Last activeFebruary, 2023 Member sinceAugust 27, 2014
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Am I even an addict?
Alcohol & Drug Addiction Support / by 5hyblue3yes
Last post
 April 3rd
...See more Hi, I’m new here but having some conflicted feelings. I’m struggling and I feel like I need some help but I’m scared I’ll just be laughed at because I’m not physically dependent. Has anyone else dealt with this? (sorry for very long post, I’ve never talked about this before so getting it all out aha) I (22F) started drinking and smoking cigarettes when I was 13. I was struggling with an eating disorder and self harm (thankfully both in the past now) and fell in love with the buzz of nicotine and the escapism of alcohol. At around 14 I also tried weed for the first time but as I was new to it I didn’t know the stuff I bought was synthetic. It was scary and intense but as soon as it wore off I wanted (and had) more. I just craved that rush of actually feeling something and kept smoking it, but as I couldn’t afford much it was very occasional. But then I moved away from home to uni and suddenly had access to other drugs and the freedom to smoke weed daily which I did. I tried quite a few different drugs but my favourites were Modafinil and MDMA. I took modafinil alone and quite regularly, partly to stay awake and focused but mostly bc I liked the buzz and the feeling of my thoughts going fast. MDMA I took with friends, at first we did it like monthly then it got to the point where it was multiple times a week so a tolerance built up. Even though I took more, the positive effects reduced and the negative effects increased, so I started combining it with weed and alcohol and other drugs which resulted in some very intense highs. Somehow I still managed to stay on top of work and uni, but this was the first time I really started questioning my use as none of my housemates seemed as bothered by the tolerance as me. They seemed to see it as something fun and casual, whereas I would be anxious about picking up and if I had to go without for a while my mental health would crash. i just moved home again after 4 years and I am struggling. I still smoke weed every day and drink most nights after work (I’m a writer and bartender) but I no longer have access to anything else and I’m craving a high. It’s like I’m obsessed, I just lay in bed at night thinking about drugs and looking at old photos/videos that I’m obviously high in. I’m smoking more weed than ever and I’ve even been popping caffeine pills just to try to get a buzz. I feel restless and reckless and like I’m gonna go crazy if I can’t find anything. I have a family history of addiction (my dad) and alcoholism (my dad’s dad and my mums sister), and I feel like I need help but the idea terrifies me. I have no desire to stop smoking weed (and I can’t relax/sleep without it anyway) but I’m scared of *** up my life if I give in to the other cravings. I’m stuck somewhere in between and I don’t know what to do. Something needs to change but I feel like a fraud for even writing this post bc I’m not a ‘proper addict’. Has anyone else dealt with these kinds of feelings?
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