Alcoholic Father

Hello, may i offer a **trigger warning** for alcoholic father and such with health issues likely to lead to death. My family has come to the realization over the last many years the extent of my fathers alcoholism. We have realized it tore us apart even starting back in(and likely before) my childhood. I have many siblings who attest to this. I remember in middle school my father asking me (emphasis on middle schooler) to try to stop him from drinking. Now as a mid 20s adult. I and my siblings look back on our life and see the chaos he has caused and lack of respect and scars we can barely even notice completely but therapy may help us fully realize on our own eventually.

My father has had multiple strokes, at least one heart attack and is stage 3 or later kidney disease/failure. Doctors say he has no memory issues due to the strokes and so on yet my father speaks and behaves so very .... I don't even know the word. It's as if he is blind to his wake of destruction. His marriage with my mother is failing all thanks to himself. My mother put in so much effort even through her naiveness of believing he loved her for more than 20 years, might be on 30 years marriage actually. It's all so devastating.

It has made myself and siblings afraid of alcohol especially and we'd never touch other substances. Genuinely at a loss and have felt like I'm grieving the loss of my parents marriage for over a year and a half at least while they are still technically married. Also been grieving the loss of the father I thought I had. I've been stressed about so much else in life too so this has just been the cherry on top to make sure every day of my life is torture. All this is to say the man is still very much alive but in denial and at what cost? I basically feel haunted and gaslit and anything that could fit this situation. It all sucks and holds myself and my siblings back. Not that I don't have sympathy for my mother as I do very much. I just most relate to my siblings and myself and she is on a very valid and good path which I support for her healing and health. I do or did love my father but he is making it sooooooo hard and painful.

Anyways. Sorry about this rant. I've been powering through everything in life and this is just one of the biggest things on my plate and I am at a loss for how to not have him affecting me at all yet still wishing for him to actually put in effort to improve. I've left much details out as we have been pushing towards his improvement for years since during covid until now. But generally I have been having to deal with this in some way for my whole entire life since I can remember and I believe his alcoholism which he so strongly denies even still, is the biggest cause and main thing holding him back from actual improvement and I believe will likely kill him.

If anyone has nice things to say I am interested although social media hasn't been good to me at all so I may try to avoid socialization as a whole. Maybe just to know I'm not crazy or being dramatic is what I hope for out of this thread. I can also say I have personally for about a year or something (some yesrs ago)had a small battle with alcohol myself although thankfully cut myself off and can have a little every so often (sometimes with extreme fear) with trying to keep myself in check. So I understand it can be hard. Although cannot imagine how it'd be for someone to rely on it for more than 30 years and become such a horrible person due to it then never putting effort towards their own improvement while kinda still saying they care about their health yet, sneaking alcohol from the other people in the house and then watering it down like a child who doesn't know better.(yes he did it though wont admit)