Scared I’m going to ruin my life

@Patientlywaiting20

Hey, it sounds as if were two persons in you: the one who wants to be sober and have a better life, and the one who still needs a drink.

Some people say there are two wolves in you: the white wolf and the black wolf - the one who survives is the one whom you feed better.

First of all, it seems you have some conscience about what is going on, and it looks like you needed a witness to look after you, knowing that you want to stride the right path this time. In AA it is called a sponsor.

I believe one of the most powerful weapons in getting sobriety is honesty. People you love should know when there is the real you, and when they are manipulated, because you just needed some booze. Then maybe they could also look for support for themselves, too, in healing the entire family system.

Also, several months ago I've heard one of AA people telling that even if he was still incapable to quit drinking, there was another person in him growing, in a kind of a preparation for him to stop. And this was the one who finally emerged.

The most experienced addicted person I knew was sober for more than 30 years (must be around 40 now), some other people I knew were sober for 24 hours. I think that both that scores are equally important...

@Patientlywaiting20

Hey,

I hear you. I hear the pain, the frustration, the feeling of being stuck in a cycle that feels impossible to break. And I just want you to know—you are not alone in this. I know addiction makes it feel like you’ll never get out, like no matter how hard you try, you always end up back in the same place. But that’s not the truth. The fact that you see what’s happening, that you want to change, that you’re even reaching out right now—that means there is still hope. And that means you can get through this.

I know you feel like you’re barely holding on, but even that thread you’re clinging to matters. That thread is proof that you haven’t given up. And as long as you’re still here, still fighting, it’s not too late to turn this around.

Addiction is brutal. It makes us do things we never thought we would. It turns us into people we don’t recognize. But you are not your addiction. The real you—the one who loves your son, who wants a better life, who doesn’t want to live in this chaos—is still in there. She hasn’t disappeared. And she deserves another chance.

I know you’ve tried before. I know it feels like nothing ever sticks. But you’re still trying, and that matters. Every attempt, every day you go without drinking, every time you even think about getting sober—it’s proof that you want this. And wanting it is the first step.

You don’t have to do this alone. Let someone in. Let someone help hold you up when you feel too weak to stand. You are not beyond saving. You are not too far gone. You are still here, which means there is still time to make things right.

You can break this cycle. You can build a life that isn’t filled with regret and pain. I know it’s hard to see that right now, but please, just hold on a little longer. Keep fighting for yourself. For your son. For the life you deserve. 

You are stronger than you think. And you are worth saving.

Much love,

Kayla 💕🫶🏻