Can't stay sober

I love feeling extremes too much- I love getting drunk and I also in some demented way love crashing like I am now, feeling sick and sleepless with another merciless day stacked up against me when the sun rises. It's like, if I give in and drink, I can acknowledge that yes, my problems are VALID. And then I get to be a little wild for a while while I'm drunk. And then crashing like this prevents me from having a normal healthy night, because I can't seem to find peace in normal. And then I am sabotaging tomorrow so I can be a wreck and have an excuse to breakdown and get no work done. I'm ridiculous and I can't seem to snap out of this self-destruction that seems to be the core of my personality. I went 4 days without drinking before I couldn't stand the anger of other people drinking around me while I had to sit there being sober and feeling nothing but dull anxiety and dull depression. There is something very wrong with me and I guess my new psychiatrist can try to make it better, but I won't be put on meds until I do blood and genetic testing. So, this cycle of 'I want to be better' and 'I want to be sick' continues all the while I am constantly stressed out about my teaching job, haunted by being abandoned by my best friend, and my anorexia's still hanging out in my head and ready to pounce alongside the self-harm, and all the traumas if my past follow me around. How the *** am I supposed to get and then stay sober when there is so many things wrong with me??