nervous
No one or only just a few people understand what it’s like to have such crippling, social anxiety… to the point where it makes it even the most normal things, so scary and extreme. I’ve always been so stuck and scared inside of myself. In my family we were never taught to speak up or ever really sure how to embrace we really are. Instead it was almost like we were silently shamed, silently conditioned and made to feel like in order to keep the peace, keep the balance we needed to do whatever it took to be perfect, hiding our true feelings, voice, thoughts, and even some of the things that we were interested in or things we did. I remember keeping everything a secret. Coming home even after the worst of days and saying nothing. In some ways I still do keep a lot about myself a secret. In high school, I could always remember myself hiding, with my hoodie on leaving school early, skipping classes, missing days just avoiding people. I was scared then and I’m still scared now, but this time it’s worse because now I’m in college, and after years of hiding and running away, Covid and being online, now I have no choice and I’m expected to stand up in the class, engage with people, do presentations & no one knows how hard that is for me. Even if it seems so simple, it is truly new grounds for me, new territory and I havent opened up to another person in so long, maybe even in general. And it sucks because I feel like it’s hard for me to let that go, it’s hard for me to just “suck it up,” or “take a deep breath” , it’s way more than just baby steps for me. For me it feels like this is a deeply rooted trauma, a deeply rooted fear.
@lovingCup504
@lovingCup504
I feel you. It's really terrible.
I want you to know that it is ok to make mistakes. It's totally fine. I stopped talking and my thoughts evaporated in my first presentation, too. Although I am a little better now, I still see my hands shaking when I present.
...I don't know what to say that would help. I will just repeat what one of my professors said. If you have something to share, something new or helpful, then share it..
I remember I tried to look back at the wall as I presented, I tried to focus solely on the professor, too. and I tried to say prayers before the presentations. I would repeat the same prayer that would make me feel most at ease, the one that would comfort me the most, and repeat it until it's my turn. I also had to train myself and be told multiple times to raise my voice..although this is a later step, lol.
The thing is, deep breathing wasn't my thing either. so see what makes you feel better and more at ease, whether it was something you say, think, do, or carry with you.
I know it's tough and difficult, especially if there was no one pushing you gently, encouraging you, or inspiring you. and especially if there was someone who says things like "you're too old to be like this". these people don't know or understand lol. It really annoyed me.
It's ok to seek support from online connections lol. They're pretty helpful sometimes. I used to read and watch videos about social anxiety. It makes me feel reassured that what I am experiencing is an actual thing and that I am not the only one experiencing it, nor is it the end, there is a way of improvement, even if it was baby steps.
I would say again, it's ok to make mistakes. there are people out there with small brains who might express about these mistakes, but even they will learn about mistakes at some point and they will have to go through it. From what I reaad on anxiety is that it is originally to help us, it just tends to go overboard for some people. We think and we see mistakes and we plan to avoid them, this is a great thing and a great ability when we embrace it and can guide it in some things.
I have to applaud you. You've managed to reach for your last year of studying! This is great! I am in my last year of studying too, and I am 2 years late. It is my last chance now and thankfully, I only have one project to go. I have to say that I am proud of you, you've come a long way successfully despite everything. You're cool and strong, this is what it tells me. I am sure that you can do this. This time will pass, and this presentation will come to an end and you will spend good time of not needing to do anything after it.
I know that it might still be difficult for you still, and it's ok. I had to have my friend to push me through things A LOT, and still, I wouldn't be able to do some things.
Please remember,I am supporting you. You can reply and ask for help or just express the annoying feelings and thoughts out loud, it helps sometimes. That's what I would do sometimes to get my friend to push me forward because my brain would just stop working. My college recently added mental issues as an accepted excuse, although they required a paper for proof to be submitted in the beginning of the semester, they still do consider it sometimes. maybe your college have something similar mentioned in the curriculum sheet?
