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lovingCup504
7,441 M Moving Along 6
PathStep 315 Compassion hearts311 Forum posts196 Forum upvotes273 Current upvotes273 Age GroupAdult Last activeAugust, 2024 Member sinceSeptember 21, 2020
Recent forum posts
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Down
Depression Support / by lovingCup504
Last post
 February 13th
...See more I’m coming down to my last days, I really don’t want to be here anymore. I triedddd
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nervous
Student Support / by lovingCup504
Last post
 January 18th
...See more No one or only just a few people understand what it’s like to have such crippling, social anxiety… to the point where it makes it even the most normal things, so scary and extreme. I’ve always been so stuck and scared inside of myself. In my family we were never taught to speak up or ever really sure how to embrace we really are. Instead  it was almost like we were silently shamed, silently conditioned and made to feel like in order to keep the peace, keep the balance we needed to do whatever it took to be perfect, hiding our true feelings, voice, thoughts, and even some of the things that we were interested in or things we did. I remember keeping everything a secret. Coming home even after the worst of days and saying nothing. In some ways I still do keep a lot about myself a secret. In high school, I could always remember myself hiding, with my hoodie on leaving school early, skipping classes, missing days just avoiding people. I was scared then and I’m still scared now, but this time it’s worse because now I’m in college, and after years of hiding and running away, Covid and being online, now I have no choice and I’m expected to stand up in the class, engage with people, do presentations & no one knows how hard that is for me. Even if it seems so simple, it is truly new grounds for me, new territory and I havent opened up to another person in so long, maybe even in general. And it sucks because I feel like it’s hard for me to let that go, it’s hard for me to just “suck it up,” or “take a deep breath” , it’s way more than just baby steps for me. For me it feels like this is a deeply rooted trauma, a deeply rooted fear.  My very first presentation at college was absolutely a disaster. I completely choked and lost my whole train of thought in the middle of it . I couldn’t finish and someone had to come up and help me, it was so embarrassing and I felt so ashamed. Now my last final year. All my classes are requiring this, just when I was so close to being done with it all and I feel so trapped. and I just wanna scream. I feel so weak. And I don’t mean to be like this, I hope I don’t sound pathetic.  but this is how I’ve grown up to be… one of my teachers told me that I’m too old for this , as if I choose to be like this. As if I wouldn’t choose a different problem to have instead of this one, one that eventually comes out into the light onto the surface. one that I can’t hide.   I feel like I’m the only one that’s ever known who I really am and now to stand in front of everyone , it feels so difficult. And I’m alone up there, and I’ve felt alone my whole life, so it just intensifies it.  For everyone to see me, to look at me to hear me all at the same time, I’m in front of everyone and I can’t hide.  It’s crazy because the classes I took I’m absolutely passionate about, I was excited to do it but as soon as I looked at the list and seeing all the required projects and assignments immediately, it took that excitement away, and I have no idea what to do. It sucks, it kind of feels like a disability, maybe that word isn’t the right word to use but it really does feel like something inside of me is preventing me, blocked and preventing me from functioning properly. And my pride or I don’t know my ego, my fear my fear isnt going down without a fight. So I can’t just take a *** deep breath I’m nervous , I’m scared everywhere I go I’m *** scared . I know I can’t keep hiding I don’t even want to but it’s not that easy and I don’t have support and I still feel embarrassed and low-key kind of traumatized from my last presentation.   The people in my class I feel have had training. Friends that they can be them selves with, a good job where they get to interact with people and talk which they’ve   probably been doing for years, maybe even school experiences.  Ok that’s all lol, if you took the time out to read this, thank you. It really does mean a lot. 
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Idk
Depression Support / by lovingCup504
Last post
 January 16th
...See more I know I act like it doesn’t bother me, but it does and I’ve been fighting this battle on my own for far too long. Im so alone and I try and try to think of ways to make this all better for me.. but still at the end of the day there is no one and all around me I am misunderstood and unloved.  Things with my family have always been strained but even more so now, they avert their eyes when I come around and the conversations feel forced. I know that I may be the reason for this, always looking angry, never really engaging with them a lot of times anymore, but it’s because for so long they have made me feel so bad. Drained the love in me, with their bad habits, their constant judgments, unresolved situations and gaslighting. I’m just now figuring out what that means. They are the reason for me too. It hurt too much to keep giving and trying to people who could never really see or receive me.. never allowed me to feel safe, free, seen or heard. I bottled it all up inside and I guess I’ve grown angry, bitter. I have no choice but to stay here, it hurts because I have all this love to give but no one to give it to. No one who wants it. I wish to be that beautiful person I am, who loves to sing and clean around the house, playing music and lighting candles. That’s who I am. And I tried for a while but I’d clean the entire house and wake up the next day with it all messed up again. Every time. This is just one example. At school it is no better. I have no friends and I’ve been left with a lot of scars from how I live/how I grew up that’s created a difficulty for me to express myself to other people in order to let my guard down and connect with them. I began to realize that the same issues and bad habits I developed at home, followed me out into the real world and now I’m alone out here too. No one wants to be friends with the sad girl. The lonely girl. Who is scared to open up, be vulnerable, With a resting face that tells it all. I smile and pretend but they can see through me. No one wants a project. A work in progress. How can they not, this heaviness in my chest, this hole I feel makes it so difficult to show up any other way. Knowing I have no one to ever laugh with or go to when I need to or just want to.. makes it grow and once again I am bitter because no one loves me. I’ve tried to put myself out there. But I’m broken and it’s not easy. And when I sit in the classroom, when I go anywhere this is what follows me. Thoughts of no one loving me, no one having my back if I fall it. It is hard for me to concentrate. I have always been my own soldier, getting a good job, getting into a good university all in my own. But my strong heart is growing weak. I don’t want to be strong anymore. 
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Trying to keep going
Depression Support / by lovingCup504
Last post
 January 13th
...See more I’ve been seeking help, trying to overcome these feelings and these bad experiences I’ve been having around other people. It’s been really hard for me to connect and be around other people so I’ve started seeing a few therapists and even joined a therapy group. I realized that I’ve grown up in a very sheltered environment where I never was made to feel comfortable being myself, speaking up and expressing how I really feel. while Im working on forgiving my parents as they are very reserved, quiet people.. I still have realized that My family has been at the center of alot of the issues I have with others and myself and the general sadness I’ve had throughout the years and especially the last few months.  While I’ve been slowly been taking the steps to break out of these learned habits and ways of being, I’m still at a point where it is still difficult to be around other people and I don’t really have many friends or even opportunities to practice being comfortable.  Unfortunately right now they are mainly all I have and it sucks because outside of being   a sibling or child, they do not care about me nor know me as a person and the core of who I am. And they probably never will because this all they know. I’m usually ignored or just deeply misunderstood and although I’d like to not rely on them for that sense of support and community, things outside are really bad and my social anxiety as well as not knowing how to open up and interact with others gets in the way of me making any real connections.  I always feel lonely but even more so now and it makes wanting to continue on with life so much harder. Ive been feeling really depressed because I just feel so alone and these feelings are just getting heavier with the more bad experiences I have.  And even with the good ones like progress Ive made or breakthroughs I’ve discovered, not being able to share them with anyone hurts.  My group and my therapy meets only once out of the week and sometimes it just feels like I wait an entire week (or sometimes more if they’re cancelled ) just for an hour of talking to someone. Both of these will end soon as my university only provides a few sessions per student and I don’t know what to do anymore, cause it felt like that was all I really had that was positive right now.  With all of that said, I guess what I’m saying here is that I just don’t know how to continue with this journey, this sadness I feel when no one actually cares about me and I don’t actually have anyone to lean on.  I’m looking for groups to join and have been talking occasionally to people I’ve met online but those things are hit or miss and take time to build.  I wanna keep going but I’m feeling really weighed down snd alone. 
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Sad
General Support / by lovingCup504
Last post
 October 13th, 2023
...See more Sad is the best I could do to describe it. Sad, stressed, im starting to feel so heavy. Slowly stop getting things done cause what’s the point? I mean I keep going, but only because I’m still here, which means I kinda have to. I keep thinking about God even tho I’m not too religious and hoping that he can hear me. And that there is some kind of plan in place for me cause things really aren’t looking to good, things aren’t going the way I planned/hoped. And I feel so lost. So uncertain. And I hate feeling like that. I’m losing that feeling of hope that use to keep me going. Keep me excited for each day. I’m realizing without the hope that I gave myself, there is nothing to be hopeful for, no one to be hopeful for. If I didn’t actively try to keep pursuing my dreams, my passions, and this person that I’ve been aspiring to be or just in general seek out better things, it feels like none of it would have even happened on its own. Like I would just be waiting for an answer and I’d be waiting forever. Maybe that’s just me not trusting.. but it’s feeling more and more true. I guess here’s a couple things I’ve been wanting to say:  I’m struggling at school, I’ve got this one teacher who gives the most amount of work and the worst part about it is that it’s math and I’ve always been so bad at math. So I always have to do extra just to keep up and with my schedule it’s hard, and I feel like I still never catch up. It’s my last year of college and I really need this class. She’s already submitted my name for list of students who risk failing and that hit me so hard. Cause I really am trying, not just with that class but just handling everything in general and it’s so hard.  What’s been hitting me the most though is my dream. In all of life’s responsibilities and obligations, I like to keep my head in the clouds, it’s how I escape. So having hobbies and dreams and this idea of being successful is how I would keep myself afloat. Just recently , well kind of , I started really pursuing my dream and I won’t get into too much detail about what it is but I thought that by now, a senior in college, things would work out and I’d be where I wanted to be with that. Now I’m starting to realize how much effort it really takes and how much work really goes into it that even though I’m willing to,  certain things like lighting, my schedule, the way I have to show up on camera are out of my control and even if I do my best it never really comes out how I want it to and I have no money to invest in anything for it rn. I’d waste the whole day just trying to get it right/to my liking, a day I could spent doing my homework and I hate that. It’s actually one of the reasons I was so behind last week.  On top of that, I also have no friends. No support system I mean. My family and I are on rocky grounds, I don’t have a solid relationship with any of them and it sucks cause I have to live with them. I can always feel the tension whenever I’m around so I try my best for my own sake to stay out the way and bury my head in the clouds. I had hoped by now that things with my business would take off so that I could move out, and finally be somewhere I could be myself and be as open as I wanted to be and just relearn/teach myself the things they were never able to. But I hate to admit that I have even lost hope for that. In general , I have no support system, I’ve attempted to make friends and I have but not any of the kind where I can tell personal things too. Relationships right now I feel like even though I’d like to, I just have too many things on my plate and on my mind to even be stable for someone else.  Any time I start to feel any kind of way, it hurts the most that I don’t have not one person in my life who I can talk to about it and really just sit with it. And idk maybe even laugh about it too. I’m on my own and I just feel like I’m drowning. Trying to handle all of this, trying to figure out a way out all on my own. And I’m so tired. 
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Bed
General Support / by lovingCup504
Last post
 June 29th, 2023
...See more I’m in bed trying to hang on , losing this battle with life and no one knows no one cares. I’m so tired. I’m so tired.
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Alone
General Support / by lovingCup504
Last post
 June 7th, 2023
...See more I’ve been trying my best to keep going, doing all the things I need to do throughout the day while I feel this heavy weight, heavy feeling. I’m so alone and life just feels so cold and pointless. I feel like a zombie, smiling doing all the things I need to do in the day, to get through the day.. but there’s no one in these day to day’s that I can laugh with or even just really talk to about something as little as how my day has been. I don’t think it’s going to get better.. and honestly I’m really tired of praying and hoping that it will. Tired of coming home to nothing.
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Question
General Support / by lovingCup504
Last post
 May 27th, 2023
...See more What should I do if my family causes me a lot of emotional pain but I cannot move out. I have trouble making friends so no friends to lean on either. I feel lonely and stuck with no way out. Is it possible to be happy without anyone to love or love you in your life.. idk
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