Overthinking University

Growing up, I wanted to study science at a university I’ll call Distant University. I was so excited to go and romanticized it in my head for years. Close to the end of high school, I changed my plan since I hate doing math and don’t know why I thought I wanted to take things like calculus. I like science but I don’t learn it easily, although I did pretty well in chemistry, physics, and earth science.

I went the law/politics route and looked at different programs until I found a really unique one at a relatively closer school that’s still somewhat far. It’s one of the few programs in my field that can directly translate to a career and isn’t a “what are you going to do with that?” degree. The last thing I wanted was to pick a “do you want fries with that?” degree that might lead to trouble landing a job, as my goal is to buy a house etc. I went to this school and now I’m not sure. It’s lovely in summer with lots of outdoor space and wildlife, but the buildings are for the most part boxy and soulless, with a few nice spots. The people feel snooty and I feel as though they are secretly judging me, although I do tend to get anxious in social situations because I’m Autistic and grew up lonely with low self-esteem (which can also affect this) and want to be liked. My dorm feels like a prison cell, with cinder-block walls and a window curtain that opens to the wrong side, where the light hits my desk wall instead of going into the room. There isn’t even any direct sunlight since it’s blocked by the building next to mine, and the roof joining the buildings is my view. I’ve made some friends, but the connection is very superficial as I have a dorm to myself and often end up second fiddle to their roommates (is this a toxic thought pattern? It certainly seems so, although I’m never actually that petty about it and of course I still enjoy spending time with them and are nice to them. That is without question) and it’s only been a semester, so it needs time.

What do I do? Do I need to change my perspective? There are few degrees similar to mine and were I to transfer, where would I go? What would I study? What if this is a case of “wherever you go, there you are” and I end up feeling the same way? I’d also likely end up struggling even more to make friends as a transfer student at a time where groups have been formed and nobody is able or willing to socialize, and I don’t drink or party or anything like that which is a popular thing to want to do at university. My school is considered a boring school but they still advertise a few huge parties a year with lots of alcohol… what is an actual party school like? Is it all a matter of perspective?