How can I focus on my studies while my home environment is toxic?
I am a 19 year old girl who has a bad relationship with my family, especially my parents. Both of my parents are manipulative, emotionally unavailable, judgemental and treat me like an animal. So basically they are toxic for me. They never try to understand me and never try to notice my opinions. Gosh don't get me started on my childhood, it was horrible. Anyways I came to accept that my parents views on the world are different then mine and that my personality is not compatible to theirs. The only way I try to avoid them is by isolating in my room and spend less time with them. In my room is where I can be myself and I always study and do my assignments there. The problem is that now my room becomes an environment associated with college stress and anxiety which is unhealthy and that prevents me from concentrating and procratinating a lot. I have no friends or anyone who can support me, I'm basically alone. I can't move out of my parents house and find a better environment because I have no money and plus my parents said that they will stop paying for my college fees once I move out. So I'm stuck at home stressed, anxious, depressed, no motivation and no support. I'm suffering.
I would appreciate it if someone can maybe give me any suggestions on what I can do that's going to help me cope. My main concerns are my studies.
Hey there, thank you for sharing this here. I’m very sorry to hear that your relationship with your parents is strained. Your parents have the duty to provide a safe, comfortable home environment for you, but it sounds like their definition of that certainly isn’t the standard. But, in spite of that, you seem willing to resolve your differences with them, move forward, and put your studies first. That shows tremendous strength on your part - thank you for doing that, you’re a real inspiration! But again, I’m sorry that your home environment isn’t the best. Without your parents to rely on, self-improvement might be the next logical step. However, that’s easier when you have people to support you. I know that you said you don’t have anyone to support you, but I wouldn’t exactly say that; you have the entire 7Cups community ready and willing to support you. We recognize your dedication to succeed, and we’re here to help you with that process. We know that you have tremendous potential, and we’re here to help you realize it! So, while it might not be easy to pursue your studies at home, please try to do so. Listeners (like myself!) are here to support you virtually, and we can offer you virtual motivation if you’re willing to improve in your studies. We know you can do this, and we’ll help as much as we can! So, sorry for the long post, but I’d like to reaffirm that you have so much potential. Feel free to rely on your community here on 7Cups, and we’ll help you reach it. Please take care, and reach out for support anytime you feel up to it!
@AdvocateHP
Thank you for this post, and yes you are right, support is what I actually need. 7 cups community can be helpful and some listeners are great at listening whenever I vent. But it is not really enough for me. I guess what I need is a friend, someone who not only supports me through hard times but also understands me and whenever I spend time with them I feel happy which puts my mind at ease.
Right now I feel so alone and the world seems daunting.
I perfectly understand how you feel. Whenever things get tough, it’s best to have someone by your side to lean on. Hmm... while I don’t want to give you flawed advice because I don’t fully know your situation, the best thing that I can say is that the community is here for you however you need them. While it is true that listeners are great at listening to you vent and being a listening ear when you need one, they can do other things, too! Depending on the listener, you might be able to engage in a longer, more down-to-earth relationship where your listener is your virtual friend. Many listeners (me included!) are open to chats like this; while I understand that it’s not really a perfect substitution for an in-person friend, it’s the best that we can offer you. If you believe that such a chat might help you, then please feel free to reach out to a listener of your choosing. We’re here to help you as much as we can; if your listener is open to a chat like this, perhaps it could help you. I’m sorry that I don’t have much to offer here, but I truly want to help you reach your potential. Everyone here has that same goal! So please, reach out if we can help you.
@AdvocateHP
Yes having a virtual friend might help me, even though it is not the same as having a friend in real life but it is better than not having a friend at all. Your respond makes me feel better because it is nice to know that there are individuals like you who don't mind offering support to people who are going through difficult times such as myself, and I must say that I'm really grafeful. I'm even more grafeful that you took the time to reply to my post and I apprciate that <3 Thank you so much Advocate! And yes I will definitely reach out.
Yay!! It really warms my heart to hear that! Yes, your whole community is here for you, and we’ll try our best to support you as best we can, as much as we can! We know that you’ve got this - we’re just here to get you to that point! Also, feel free to check the other replies to your original post; there’s someone else here who would really like to chat with you and support you. Lumie, you’re up!
@Serena5927
It's like you just voiced out my thoughts,🤯
hello Serena, my loveliest friend! thanks for reaching out here. I really appreciate that so much
I am sorry to hear about the bad relationship with your family, you did share a brief idea about how it's like at home but I couldn't have guessed the intensity back then. You never deserve to be treated like an animal, those are some very harsh things to put you through. To hear about the environment it has been for you for so long, it really upsets me. A support system is really important for seriously anyone and having a supportive family is even more important. I can't even imagine how tough your childhood must have been for you. It really upsets me that someone who is so similar to me is my twin soul from the other side of the world who has been going through so much. Acceptance of there being some differences here must have been incredibly hard for you, I can understand but I still appreciate how much you may have tried to understand this in order to make peace with it. I can relate and understand to isolating being one of the only options to be okay with such situations. It can really just be a temporary solution and give us some moments to feel safe and okie. I see that your room hasn't been the most supportive place for you either, college is indeed very hard and I can imagine how it combined with anxiety must have made this situation even more complex. Your room was something you could have easily escaped to, from time to time but even that place now has become something you may need a little break from. It must be so troubling, Serena. It's understandable that you'd have trouble concentrating and may be procrastinating, I really would have been doing the same in your position, Serena. You have been dealing with a lot of things and for a very long time too, it's totally valid and okie to not be able to do things because of this. But I see your concern, it is important to have a space for yourself and continue studying in some way or the other. You cannot move out and you have not been getting support from other people, it's sad that I couldn't have been there for you. I am in a much better place mentally now, I asked for support from a friend and I am doing much better now. I do have a little free time on my hand and I want you to know that I am always just a PM away from you.
Your main concern is your studies so I will try to see if I can offer some good suggestions to focus on that:
1. If your home environment is not the safest place to study, is there someplace you could temporarily go to and study there? I know the situation with COVID and all, but if there's some kind of safe place you can go, maybe think about if it would help?
2. If things are a little predictable for you at home, consider scheduling according to that. What I mean by this is, if your family tries to bring you down at very particular times or if there's a trigger, maybe try to work around it. Maybe study when they are not around, give all your time to studying then and when they are around, you can do something else, be a friend to yourself during this time too.
3. When they do be mean to you or make you feel bad, write it all out. Don't keep it in, I know writing can be exhaustive but we need to get those feelings out some way or the other. For this, I am also offering you my PMs, I wouldn't mind getting your PMs where you're just venting. I don't know how much that would help but I'd still like you to know you can try that.
4. Come talk to me whenever you want to! I check my 7 cups around 3-4 times a day, I sometimes don't stay for long and maybe even not log on certain days but I am always here for at least once. So, I can get back to you as soon as I can. I will try my best to make you smile, to make you feel understood and to not let you feel so alone. Even, I am struggling with focusing and all that, but I can be there for a friend and also relate.
So all in all, even if I am not here, there will be someone to help. I am your friend and I will try my best to be there for you, Serena. You can talk to me on our walks home from school, we can stop by a river and just spend some time there. I am writing to you here because I want you to know I am here, okie? *hugs tight* I hope you are feeling alright.
always here for you
- lumie <3
Wow, thank you so much for the detailed post! I understand that your message wasn’t exactly meant for me, but still, I wanted to thank you for the thorough response. You sound like a caring, compassionate soul, and I appreciate your willingness to meet others where they are. Your empathy knows no bounds - you’re truly an inspiration! Please take care, and keep shining brightly for all of us!
@AdvocateHP
aw of course, Advocate ❤️ thank you so much for empowering Serena here and being so supportive of her! I read your replies too and I must say, you empowered me as well and made me want to do better with my studies. Your messages were very thoughtful and so very appreciated. I want to express my gratitude for helping two people at once! It means a lot to me that you so timely supported my friend and are still invested in this to help her out. I honestly cannot thank you enough for that.
haha, I've heard that a lot - keep shining brightly, I wonder if my username leads people to say that ^-^ it always makes me smile wide so thank you for that, as well, Advocate ❤️ You're doing a great job as a listener, I appreciate all of it a lot. Please continue doing what you like, you're awesome! I hope you're doing well and taking care of yourself!
@lumieremilkyway
Awww Lumie
this post honestly made me tear up. The fact that you will try your best to there for me, make my smile, feel understood and not let me feel so alone is such the most wonderful thing I have ever seen from a human being. I still suspect that you are a celestial being from above I would never thought that I will come across someone like you in my lifetime.
There are a few places like libraries I know that I can go to, but the issue is that they are kinda far from where I live and traveling there everytime might be a bit of an issue. I thought about staying at my grans house for a few months, she lives alone and plus I have a wonderful relationship with her. I thought to myself that it could be a pleasant environmet for me there, my stress levels might decrease and maybe be able to focus on my studies with no issue. Unfortunately, my parents don't approve that.
The only time I can find "peace" or be focused in my studies is when everyone is asleep. So staying up late kinda helps me but not that much.
I use to write things down or journal my thoughts and emotions but for some reason I stopped, maybe doing it again might help me
Lumie I am so blessed to know you and be your friend, you encourage me to keep on going and your responses gives me hope that everything is going to okay like Advocate said, you are truly an inspiration. Like a divine being who radiates la lumiere to those who are in the dark (See what I did there XD). Thank you so much for all of your thoughts. They really helped. I value you
Yes stopping by a river sounds so nice and sitting near it, hearing the water flow calmly while a gentle evening breeze touches our faces and blows through our hair. That would be delightful
*Gives a long warm hug* Thank you
Serena <3 I am here to wipe those tears D: hehe, I am always here for you Serena, I really don't say that lightly. I have supported people and here and there but you, my friend, you get my support as long as you need and when you want it. You and I are friends and I do not take that lightly! Hehe, I promise I am not a celestial being haha, I am just someone like you on the other side of the world. I consider myself to be very lucky to have met you as well.
Libraries do sound good but I can understand that they are a bit far away. Your grandma sounds lovely but it saddens me that you cannot stay with her since your parents don't approve, that's tough! I just wish they could allow that, I mean you are not really asking for a lot, to have a good environment for studies is very crucial. Studying late can be an issue, I get you. I am never able to study when it's late. I am glad you will pick up writing again, I really hope that it helps.
I am always here to encourage you, Serena. I am glad that you consider me to be a good friend - really, the pleasure is all mine. Everything will be okie and I know that. Sometimes life gets hard and the challenges pile up making it daunting but we will get through it. The fact that you're seeking support with this means you are already trying and that counts for something, Serena! aw I am so glad that you and Advocate think that, it truly means a lot to me. lol I saw what you did there xD la lumiere, huh.
I value you too, you sweet human being. You are a good friend to me and know that I will always come through for you ^-^ I am glad I could help a little!
Your gifs are so neat, it hurt my eyes when I saw them first thing in the morning after waking up xD I mean they are of good quality lol. You really share great cute gifs. I love them <3 You set up the beautiful scenery, Serena. I love that. *warm tight hugs for you*
look at us studying together!
me whenever I see you
you in my eyes shining always (except my reaction is more like "awwww my frennn <3 <3 <3")
you and me always (hugs)
@Serena5927
I can relate with you so much..Same age and everything.
@Blue2001
Hi Blue, I'm glad you responded and yes things are very difficult but how is the situation now? Is it exactly like mines?
@Serena5927
First of all inspite of everything I still find it difficult to kind of put all the blame on my parents (mainly my mother)cause I understand that it might have something to do with the way she was brought up Getting that out of the way.I started University this year and I am doing it online at home.Every week it brings up a new argument, my personality looks and basically every aspect that defines me is mocked and insulted.As a child I mainly believed i deserved it and that maybe she was right and I was at fault but I recently found out that I had no chance no matter what I did or who I was she was still going to have something to say.Going to details is a bit difficult for me.I don't reallyave any friends . About my parents being emotionally supportive, that never happened,i always handle anything I am going through alone as I know that if it is shared with my mum she will find a way to use it as an insult for me in an argument.At the moment I spend so much time being angry or depressed about something my mum said and it does affect my productivity in school.i also try to avoid her by trying to avoid being in the same room as her to avoid an argument.I realized I am always a better person when I am outside my home. About my dad,i think he is getting better with the years.As a child i would have readily put him in the same category as my mum.Over the years however he has become a lot better (sometimes it surprises me). Now I feel more comfortable talking to him than with my mum but it's still not the best.
I understand my message is a bit cryptic Serena . Feel free to ask for clarification on anything
@Blue2001
I totally understand what you are going through because I relate too. I see that you hardly tell your mother your feelings and what you going through because like you said that she will end up devaluing your problems on her own. To be honest that is a form of emotional abuse because instead of helping you out she does the opposite. I get that you handle things alone and I do that too because I know both my parents will not understand me or think that I am insane. So I never rely on them to support me emotionally like you don't to your mother and it's sad because family are suppose to be the main support system. Yes we can understand why they are the way they are, like maybe something happened in the past or that is how they were raised but we still get affected by their inadequate parenting. And unfortunately at the moment we both don't have friends. So then we would both agree that having a close supportive friend who understands you and/or being in a place surrounded with amazing people where your parents (or mother) are not nearby would definitely be wonderful. Because you won't be faced with toxicity and you will find yourself growing personally within. And of course we will have motivation and be productive. However, I must say that I am glad you are comfortable talking to your father even though the relationship is not the best, maybe it might get better with time.
So Blue, we both have identified the problem and we have recognized the possible solution, so now the question is, what actions or steps can we take to solve our issue?
@Serena5927
First of all I will be moving into a hostel on campus to get some space which i think will go a long way to improve my mood and thereby increase my productivity .I also planned on reaching out to someone who i could share my struggles with so i don't feel so alone.I believe sharing the way I feel with someone i trust and working through those emotions with that individual could help.
It takes quite a while for me to learn to trust someone .I think that is because I think subconsciously that they are going to use my words in a way to hurt me later on.
It is however unfortunate that the person i wanted to reach out to hasn't gotten back to me yet.
Regarding my parents i have learned to accept that I can't do anything to change them but perhaps I could change how I react and how it affects me.
@Blue2001
Yes you right, you can't change them but you can change your inner world and your reactions. Sometimes someone affecting us within is not their fault but rather ours for allowing it to affect us.
I am so happy for you that you will be moving to a place where your mood will improve and make you be more productive. I think that is best for you.
Having a friend who you trust and share feelings with is wonderful because not only will you be close with them but also be supported but just remember that the relationship should not be one sided, you too should support them.
I'm sorry if they still have not gotten back to you but you can always make new friends, you could find one on campus even.
I see hope for you Blue and things will be better for you, I am glad that you are taking action
@Serena5927
Hi Serena,
It's been a while,I have moved into my hostel and things have improved a bit but I still feel angry and unsettled on the inside.This unfortunately affects my studies as my mood does affect my motivation to study .And as for finding a friend ,I have taken a few initiatives to finding one, however i don't know if I have anything to offer.To break it down I don't think I am exactly friend material My flaws just to name a few are
1.I am a pacifist: I absolutely hate arguments or conflict and i will completely shut down and avoid you when we have a conflict (We will slowly drift apart).I will also probably not tell you that I am hurt or offended with something you said or did because I don't want to come of as sensitive (which I totally am) or cause further confrontation or conflict.It doesn't mean we can't disagree on stuff ,i just feel like it shouldn't result in an argument or conflict.(A friendship where we agree on everything isn't likely )
2.I can get a bit clingy if we become really close (I am not proud of it) .Though generally i am not clingy at all.It actually takes a very very long time and effort for me to actually get close to someone
3.I tend to overreact...I panic over little stuff (not every little thing) But something that normally wouldn't cause people to freak out would put me in panic over drive.I have found out that this especially annoys people a lot.I could call you panicking and emotionally distraught about something that shouldn't bother me and I find that simply infuriates people.(To be fair though that little problem does look really big in my eyes).
In all honesty,I have been working to improve those flaws.
You also mentioned the relationship not being one-sided ..I am afraid i don't really know how to provide emotional support at all especially if I haven't gotten to really know you to be comfortable around you.
I hope you are doing well Serena,
Hope to hear from you soon
~Blue
@Blue2001
Hi Blue :)
I so glad to see your message again. Sorry for the late reply though, I had a busy week
So when I read your message I saw that you came across a different problem, this time it is an internal problem. You mentioned that moving out made a slight improvement which is still good but to me I think it is a huge improvement because it made you aware of yourself. You were able to indentify your "flaws" which is a good progress to your personal growth. I don't like to call them flaws but rather weaknesses because you can always improve yourself by developing the skills or confronting them. I don't know who said this but there is a quote that says something like "Focusing on your weaknesses is a strength in disguise".
I have a suggestion that might help you if you want to try it out
I think doing some reflection can help you. Now I see that you have a great ability at doing that because you are aware of your personal weaknesses. I think by keeping on reflecting, you might dig deeper and find out the root of your issues, like for example, you hate conflicts but why? is it because you are avoiding or you hate confrontations? if so why? maybe because you are become emotional quickly? and if so why and how can you not become emotional or maybe manage it? (By the way this is just an example on how self-reflecting looks like and how it can help you dig deep to the root, it's not to say that these are your reasons why you hate conflicts). To help you more with self-reflection, try out a cognitive behavioral therapy technique called journaling. Journaling will help you understand your problems more. I do this myself sometimes when I'm feeling lost or trying to understand my situations. Or maybe if you can, try exploring these issues with a therapist.
To conclude, I think introspection (self-understanding) is important and useful to see where we lack, point out our short-comings and find the core complication because then we will be able to easily work on them or solve them by finding ways to do so.
I hope this helps
Let me know what you think
And please feel free to tell how things are with you now
~Serena
@Serena5927
hey Serena <3 it's been so long since i've seen you around. i don't think you come around on cups so much anymore. but i had this YT recommendation and it is a song you shared with me long back. i am leaving a link here, hoping someday if/when you return, it is a remembrance, that i miss you and think of you fondly.
song - https://youtu.be/bFHbrstGqBM?si=zX9w0MUxkRCHp7Eg
love,
lumie
Hello, Lumie! I know that your message wasn’t intended for me (and what a lovely throwback it is to say that again!), but I wanted to thank you for your message of support for Serena. I’m sure that she deeply appreciates your long-term support for her, and it touched my heart to listen to the song that you two shared so long ago. It’s a comforting song full of wistfulness, and I know that Serena would love to revisit it again if she’s somewhere about on 7Cups. I look forward to hearing from her after all this time, too!
But in the meantime, I wanted to thank you for the sweet message and for reminding me of this thread. Thank you, thank you, and thank you - three expressions of gratitude for the three years since I last saw these messages. Offering your level of support is something I aspire to accomplish someday 😊 It’s really nice to hear from you again, Lumie!
@Serena5927
Hello Serena
I'm so sorry to hear about your struggles. Navigating such a toxic home environment sounds very challenging, particularly when you're trying to concentrate on your studies. You seem to be making every effort to manage, and I applaud you for realizing how your environment affects your mental well-being.
Establishing a schedule that makes it easy for you to distinguish between study and leisure time may be beneficial. You might try designating specified periods of time for studying in your room, followed by relaxing pursuits like taking a walk, listening to music, or engaging in a hobby. By doing this, you can begin to associate your room with both relaxation and productivity, which may help to lessen your anxiety and tension.
Also, consider looking for online study groups or communities where you can connect with others who understand what you're going through. It's okay to feel alone; there are people out there who are sympathetic and willing to help.
You're not alone in this, and getting support can really help. You can do this by contacting mental health services or participating in online forums. Remember to be gentle with yourself and keep taking things one step at a time. You merit sympathy and understanding.
Take Care!