Worrying is a BUMMER! Instead FETCH the future!
Anxiety or worrying is usually future oriented. We don't worry about bad things happening in the past, we worry about bad things happening in the future. In this way, worrying is like bad code or a rogue program that hijacks our brains and then makes that unfortunate future MORE likely to happen. This is sometimes called a self-fulfilling prophecy.
We need to better understand how worrying works so we can get underneath it and begin to remove this bad code from our life and system and instead navigate towards a brighter future for ourselves and those we love.
The longer I do this type of work the more clear it becomes that we need helpful ways to remember things. One tool is an acronym. These are first draft ideas, so feedback and other words or wording is very welcome!
Worrying is a bummer because:
B - Bad outcomes become more likely
U - Unpleasant feelings
M - Mistakes increase because of less clarity in thinking
M - Molasses walking - tough to make progress/life feels like you are walking in circles
E - Exhaustion
R - Resource depletion - worrying zaps your energy
Instead, we need to FETCH the future! Fetching can help us understand that by focusing on the present moment, we can influence the future without worrying about it.
F - Focus - the present is something that you can have some control over.
E - Effort - working hard is key
T - Time - it will take time to see things unfold
C - Courage - be courageous even with setbacks
H - Hope - for good outcomes and strategies
You may not end up with the exact future you have envisioned, but these acronyms should help you avoid the BUMMER that is worrying so that you can FETCH a fulfilling future!
Please help us evolve these ideas by adding other words or acronyms that can help!
One more point! - I was just chatting with the team about this and we were talking about how worrying is tricky because it can feel good/productive. Like hey I'm doing a good job because I'm worrying about this. This can be a cultural thing too which can add another level of complexity. The key point is to realize that FETCHing the future is much more productive and helpful than worrying.
@GlenM
I like how acronyms show us the different 'parts' or 'faces' of things! Here's mine (kind of problem-solution oriented) - WORRY
W - Worse/Worst outcomes - it usually looks at one side of things
O - Out of control - at times worry is about things beyond our control. it could help to see where our locus of control really lies
R - Rational - try to see the situation rationally/realistically which we sometimes aren't able to (is only human!)
R - Relax - there are things that could help you ease with the uncomfortable things / uncertainty
Y - Yes - this is like having more of an acceptance kind of attitude, see if that helps! (not to give in or take a backseat at life etc. but to understand situations for what they are)
really tried to explain in less words which sometimes is hard for me 😛
@theriverissinging I love this! There is a lot of wisdom here to unpack. Is there anything you do that helps you embrace this way of thinking?
@GlenM I like being curious so I guess that somehow helps with all the anxiety and worry around the unknown - sometimes i don't have any plans and that is really all messy but also a different kind of curious if you get what I mean? it does end up being a good motivator to do things haha
@GlenM wow thank you so much for posting this glen❤️
let me try... for pain (not really good at it though 😄)
P - Pause
A - And
I - Invite for
N - New opportunities.
@BlueRiver5968
I love this. Incredibly mindful way to manage and navigate pain.
@Heather225 thank you❤️
@BlueRiver5968 I think this is really good. I like pause a lot. Reminds me of the key part of acceptance and commitment therapy. We often want to avoid pain, but sometimes the pausing and accepting it - the letting it pass through us - is exactly what is needed to heal and overcome.
@GlenM thanks glen...really appreciate your thoughts for my acronym :).
@GlenM
I'm disappointed by this post, as I think this is validating what some people are doing on their listener accounts who aren't really listening.
In this way, worrying is like bad code or a rogue program that hijacks our brains and then makes that unfortunate future MORE likely to happen. This is sometimes called a self-fulfilling prophecy.
This is true some of the time, but many times our worries have nothing to do with whether something occurs or not. That or we do not share a belief system and there isn't evidence for this on things where our actions do not effect an event. As an example, there are severe thunderstorms, someone is worried there will be a tornado. Does their worry actually influence if there will be a tornado or not? I hope we both agree on this that it does not.
I do see a point a bit with the acronyms, to an extent.
Worrying can influence somethings, and the extent and what we do with that also has an impact. Someone who is so worried they will fail an exam that they lose all confidence in themselves learning that material and can't actually sit down and focus on studying due to worry would fit in with bummer, on the other-hand, someone who does feel the material is pretty difficult and is worried but in a more moderate way and uses that to motivate them to study regularly and carves out additional time for that course compared to others would fit into fetch. I don't think fetch necessarily means that worry is gone though either, that student may still be worried about the final, but will likely have a better outcome.
Where does this come in with listeners?
I have come across a fair number of listeners who believe the manifestation aspect. Ie. They believe that tornado example. They will say things to a member 'don't think like that!' To me that is the opposite of active listening, validating, non-judgmental support.
I also get a good number of listeners who say to not worry. Again, to me that's the opposite of active listening. Sometimes I am in the fetch stage of what's going on but still want to talk about it. These listeners are actually perpetuating denial.
Ignoring a problem to where it is not dealt with is rarely helpful either. Going into my personal situation, I have numerous illnesses, some of these have strong criteria that supports the diagnoses. I am also undergoing a genetic test to see if I have a particular disorder.
Some listeners will go to the point of telling me not to worry, I am just imagining these illnesses. My imagination doesn't make my C1 inhibitor results low on blood tests, or make tumours appear on an MRI or ultrasound. My worry also isn't going to change whether the genetic test comes back positive for the disorder. Some listeners talk as if it does.
Some listeners would encourage me to not even seek medical help for these issues. Being in denial and not going to the doctors is much more likely to have a worse outcome. Not having a diagnosis doesn't change if I have the condition or not. It can affect the treatments I get to live better with it and if I can get timely proper help in an emergency. This isn't really listening to me, and encouraging to me to just stick my head in the sand could be rather harmful. I also find these listeners even give me the space to explain everything.
A good listener would hear me out and empathize with the worry. A great listener would empathize and also recognize if someone is more within bummer or fetch, validate feelings, reflect on what has been happening and even notice what aspects go with bummer and which with fetch (as rarely is it all or nothing between the 2) and point out the positive things I have been doing, leaving me feeling a bit better than when I first entered the chat. For some members who are mostly in bummer, a chat where they come out feeling a bit better and were able to gain clarity may move more into fetch. If using aspects beyond active listening, the listener may also help to direct some of that shift.
It's one thing to use this as a resource for people who are dealing with worry and looking for ways to cope with a concerning situation. When this is put up on the site in a generalized way though, I think there is potential for listeners to use this to validate poor listening methods, such as telling people don't worry about it, if you don't worry everything will be fine.
@AffyAvo this is good feedback. Let me clarify - I'm not saying that worrying manifests bad outcomes - what I'm trying to articulate is that worrying can tire us out and cause us to focus on negative outcomes. The being tired and unclear can cause bad decisions or outcomes that are less than optimal. FETCH, on the other hand, is an attempt to move forward even in uncertain situations.
And, I agree, some level of worry can definitely be good. If my kids have an exam (to use your example) and they haven't studied, then I want them to worry enough to motivate themselves to study. However, if they have studied, then I don't want them to continue to worry about it.
This is tricky and can be nuanced. Thanks for sharing your thoughts :)
@GlenM I figured we would agree on what worry does and doesn't do!
I think it would be awesome if you could write a post for listeners on how to support someone who is worrying. I know there are resources on the site that do that, but there's greater weight for some people when it comes directly from you!
@AffyAvo thanks Affy! I've added it to my to-do list :). It might take me a week or two. I'll ask you for feedback once I have it live.
@GlenM I'm looking forward to it! Thanks!
I think this makes a lot of sense and is very helpful. I have to respectfully disagree with with the fact that one must work hard though.
For me personally separating negative societal messages from the positive ones is taking a lot of time and patience. Having my inherent creativity, powerful intuition and ability to generate income was stuffed down growing up as it scared my parents and I was punished for it...even today it’s treated as wrong because hurt people hurt others no matter how professional they are.
I think to work smart makes more sense then the old 9-5 work hard bullshit and providing people with a universal basic income will be a step in the right direction with this, as well as when it comes to alleviating the stigma around mental health. That’s an opinion coming from my experience, facts and evolution so hopefully it makes some sense because I’m not here to tell anyone what to do; I hate it when people do that to me. Follow your own star.
@GlenM
✨@Dalladi really good summary of ideas and interesting points!
Have you heard of the pareto principle or the 80/20 rule? The gist of it is that 20% of the work has 80% of the impact. I agree with you on the importance of smart work and I try to do that too by finding the 20% of the part of something that can yield 80% of the impact. It is often hard to find that 20% though!
And to put a little flavor or context on the working hard idea. I don't think hard mindless work is good. I think that can be pretty demoralizing. I did a lot of this "hard dollar" type of work growing up. There were smarter ways to do things, but people in charge couldn't see it so the only option was to grind it out. That said, I do think hard work is very important too. Hard and smart work. Have you seen the idea of the messy middle? I think we can catch a wave or have the right timing and things work out - and - there are other times when you have to just work hard - harder than you can imagine - to get back up to the next incline. At least that is what I found in my own life. I desperately wish it was easier, but the meaning of the work pulls me forward so I'm happy to put the time in.
I'm also a big fan of UBI and hope to see it implemented in smart ways.
Thanks for sharing some wisdom with us from your walk towards your own star✨
Of course I’ve heard of that. It’s a basic principle or health, wealth and happiness. Eg. eat 80% organic whole foods and 20% of whatever else you like.
It is demoralizing though that so many think in terms of working hard. No one deserves to be treated like their pace and life doesn’t matter. As I said a universal basic income as implemented by the happiest people in the world could alleviate that as it will allow people to do what actually matters to them.
People will work hard when they’re too afraid or don’t know how to love themselves. It goes back to how they were raised, their environment, personality and genetics. We can all change, it’s just that many choose not too because it’s “too hard”.
The thing with that is working “hard” is easy. It means not having to face the parts of ourselves that are tender and raw. It’s the chocolate bars and the chips and the ice cream of the food world. And it comes down to discipline, learning and growth.
@GlenM
@GlenM
Here's mine:
Breathe calmly
Reaffirm
Eat greens and fruits
Alternative thoughts
Time for yoghurt! (It helps!)
Have faith that…
Everything is gonna be okay
Aware and know what to do doesn't mean it's magically disappear, but it helps to push through the worries.
The worst thing about over-worrying and over-thinking is end up not taking any step forward. And the brightside is it prepares me better for the worst outcome.
Thanks for the reminder, Glen! 🤍
@ouiCherie this is really beautiful ❤️. Even reading it is like a breath of fresh air. I especially like those last 2 points. Reminds me of this old Bob Marley song. This has helped me move past worry many times.
@GlenM
Now I have a combination for a reminder...
When worries start heading to be a BUMMER, BREATHE and FETCH the future 🎶 cuz every little thing is gonna be alright 🪗🎵
That sounds more fun and definitely love Mr. Marley! Thanks, Glen! 🤗🤍
@GlenM I think the only lasting way to resolving worry is starting to trust the unknown! Whenever we do an act, our action has only 20% influence over the result of the action. The rest 80% involves other uncertain factors. Now we need to be able to see that the rest 80% is not made up of random happenings, rather there is a mysterious beauty and a mysterious order behind all that is beyond our control. It is mysterious, so it can't be accurately thought of or put down as a formula, but the beauty of it could be experienced in the moments when we look back on what happened and all seem to make sense.
@Fristo yes! Wow you've got it and nice job putting it into words. That is NOT easy to do.
What helped you learn this Fristo? And how would you help others learn it?
@GlenM I've experienced it an unlimited number of times. I am able to see the perfect timings of so many minor to major events that have happened and keep happening every day in my life.
How does one learn it? Spend good time with oneself, talk to oneself as a good friend, have a personal space where you build a friendship with yourself and that will lead you to seeing the beauty in life's events more and more. Even changing seasons are not without a voice, they carry a voice with them, saying something to you.
This is a pretty subtle skill, so the more details you can provide the better!
@GlenM The reality beyond logic could at best only be pointed towards! So I can attempt giving more pointers:
1) If your mind's clouded by bitter emotions and feelings towards your surroundings and towards others, you are less likely to understand Nature's magic happening behind the scene all the time.
2) If you are generally impatient and hurrying things through, you'd likely miss out on subtle secrets.
3) Realise there are two people in you. One is the actor (acting in the world) and another is the observer of the actor (observing the actor performing its actions). More you develop this 'observer self' (it is also known as 'being mindful'), the more you are closer to realising the greater good.
Giving my own example, right now I am typing, but there is another me who is observing the typer. Being a good observer puts you at an advantage of being at a distance from your acting-self, and then it is easier to be evaluating and moulding your ways when needed (also known as 'adapting' or 'being proactive').
Hope it somewhat painted the picture better!
I have difficulty with staying in the “moment”. So going to think of words for this as I’m heading to an appt. Feel free to give it a shot.
@GlenM
Great acronyms!