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@VioletSpringGlade


Thanks for the support! I'm sorry for the much delayed response. But I've found a new job and its been much for satisfying than my previous employment, so I've been feeling as if I have a little more purpose even if I still would like to seek other prospects and possibly attempt to return to university after I've saved some to move out more permanently or even study abroad in an English-speaking country.

I'm just trying to withhold from attempting to contact her further, she was left quite vexed with me. Understandably so, she had forgiven me to a point around last winter but I had misunderstood something sweet she'd said to me after I played (quite terribly at that) a few chords for her on an acoustic guitar and sang her happy birthday in Spanish.

She'd given me the response, 'tu y yo, siempre,' after asking me how to say forever in Spanish and I suppose I got too excited, and equivalated it to how she would once say we would always be lovers the year before that. Later that winter, we got to talking about science fiction given our similar taste in literature and it was late at night for me, so I attempted to turn the conversation towards something sexual and open of my desire for her in a way that was once well invited, but clearly wasn't any longer. She left me without a response and well, weeks later we finally spoke and I was quite rude to her. Said things I didn't mean, was rather insensitive which was unwarranted of me irregardless of how upset I'd felt at being left a few weeks without a response when I felt like we were having something I'd wanted to share with her again, sharing our thoughts over something I rarely share with anyone. Even if I did also attempt to lead it away from science fiction literature towards something else we'd also shared before that I missed.


Still, I'm not sure if her offer of being just friends would have been the best for us anyway. At least not how we were handling it. I certainly would prefer to be on good terms with her over this.. Silence. But I wouldn't be honest about my intentions if I said I was only interested in friendship after everything else we'd hyped up over 7 years only to leave unexplored. I think that it would demotivate me and stress me to have to constantly restrain my desire to avoid repeated rejection where once such was openly invited. That I would see her as denying her white privilege against me and considering me some subhuman for failing to advance higher education studies after I had been deported, which set me back by denying me my highschool graduation the year I was deported. Before I had to navigate an academic system in a language I could hardly speak. My Spanish has improved swathes since, and I am now quite fluent in both English and Spanish.


Been since February of 2020 since I last had sex now, been rather shut-in with the pandemic. Finally gave in and opened an OnlyFans account, because after so much free pornography I may as well support some creators. Still, I nearly just deleted my account despite a couple active subscriptions I paid because the offer of some paid internet girlfriend puts me off so hard after having experienced such a real relationship develop with someone spontaneously online. Even if nudes and expressions of sexual desire were few and far in-between compared to the blatant unabashed sexuality offered on that site, the support, sharing something through literature I've rarely found elsewhere, and the mutual belief in a lot of leftist causes is something that can't be replaced by a paid service even if I've no doubt an OF model can be quite witty, even funny to talk to or otherwise have great taste herself.


I think I'd rather be dead than see myself ever paying for that type of service. That it would be some cruel joke on me by some white patriarchy for me to fall so hard down the capitalist system after systematic marginalization and racism faced much of my life, that I'd rather die than live to see the day I consider that appealing. But I do support the creation of pornography, particularly how platforms like OF have allowed creators/models to take back agency over their output from brands that can be exploitative and often are. So I suppose I may as well support something I've enjoyed freely much of my life, at least until next time I'm in a relationship. I try to avoid pornography when dating.

@VioletSpringGlade


I just feel like I'd feel much better if me and her could have ended at least on good terms, even if we weren't to be friends like she had offered. Not that I'm against that idea. Many of my closest friends are women, and I can often confide in them or expect them to confide in me should I need someone to talk to. But I'd rather not make of our communication constant negativity and my own whining at her loss and what grates me.


I think I equivalated her romantic rejection after 7 years of openly inviting such advances we never explored too strongly with how constant bullying and racism during my youth conditioned me into thinking myself unworthy and stupid. And how I've had to overcome that, and as the years progress I realize well, I was actually a lot smarter than many people around me who didn't have their formation interrupted and were able to graduate high school the year I was expected to had it not been for being deported. And that I am still quite potent and capable of progressing with my life and seeking a career. I brought into it a whole lot of baggage that shouldn't have affected us and a whole lot of racial tension that wasn't truly present.

@VioletSpringGlade


I haven't sought professional help aside from the psychiatric prescription for methylphenidate I take because I feel its too expensive. And I haven't had feelings of anxiety and thoughts of suicide as strongly as I did the night I spoke to a listener and found this site.


Also because I've come to feel suicide isn't the worst end for me. That if I feel stuck, and can't progress to where I want to. If I can't meet a partner who inspires as much in me as she did, or someone else I feel worthy of me, and for me to become increasingly capable of maintaining such a relationship. Then perhaps it would be a better end to die, than to lower my standards just to avoid being alone. And I'm afraid that therapy might be costly and only result in someone attempting to goad me into accepting things as they are, and being okay with that. And not into pushing for more and helping me to push and shove for more. Maybe it is the cultural perception of therapy that is sometimes negative. But I'd rather not waste money on something to help me accept things as they are. I already quit drug-use, because it was doing just that.

@VioletSpringGlade


Regarding the previous, I do not consider myself a greedy man. I've always been quite humble. But we all require a capacity for self-agency and control of ourselves, immediate environment, and what control a partner (or partners) would allow us unto them and for us to allow them unto us for us to feel satisfied.


All of which I seek increasingly. And will no longer drug myself into complacency lacking it, accept religion into denying my need for it, nor consider therapy if it does not assist me in finding more of it.


In a sense, I think this has been good. Her love for me served to instill in me a complacency and comfort with how things were. Everything was fine, for she'd declare we'd always be lovers. It did not bother me she married another man and chose to move to England with him rather than to Mexico with me. For I consider the pursuit of power to be up the upmost noblest pursuits, and she did explain to me how it was of convenience to a man she was fond of but felt more a friend with benefits and marriage as an institution served to cement her place within a community where she'd find socioeconomic opportunity. And I support feminism, so I supported her being where she felt and I knew she could reach for whatever she deserved. It was okay with me, she still claimed desire for me, their relationship was one open she made clear was not at all restrictive of her maintaining a relationship with me. And there was no problem, I loved her above all even when I'd felt love for other women nearer to me physically and locally. I was always comforted by the thought we'd meet someday, and physically consumate our desire even if she'd return to her marriage.


I suppose that is also why it might be a good thing. I rejected a marriage proposal from a woman embarking on a prestigious career locally not just because I did not want to be the stay-at-home husband to a woman who wanted me to impregnate and marry her knowing she'd be too busy for the role. Not that I'd want her delegated to it, I believe in sharing of housework and childrearing between couples. But I was not financially independent, and am not just yet despite a job that pays better than my previous employments. I also rejected marriage to such a beautiful woman because I could not claim fidelity in my mind when I still spoke to and desired another. We had spoken of swinging and inviting others into our sexual activity and lives, but she was uncomfortable with me continuing a relationship with that foreign woman and having a marriage as open as hers.

So I could not marry her. And this does provoke me some self-resentment as well as the resentment for me it woke in her, for had I not been cast aside by systematic racism culminating in my deportation after denying my so many levels of social support allowed others despite my parents growing socioeconomic status lifting us from near poverty to a comfortable middle class, I feel I would have been stable enough to have said yes when asked to marry her after such pleasant physical acts resulting in her draped bare upon me, asking me that before my reply of no turned her warm body suddenly cold against me.


I suppose that incapacity to feel satisfaction and constant craving for more, that I'll not sate with drugs again, may find itself turned less desperate again the next time I meet a woman so physically beautiful, intelligent, and communicative with me that also shares feelings for me.

@VioletSpringGlade

I would just like to clarify by that pursuit of power, I do not mean power over others or control of others beyond that they themselves allow. I mean power over one's own destiny, self, power to seek romantic relationships, new connections, and new experiences.

@Faithful84

Hi! I am sun and welcome to 7 cups! Life is definitely a bag of tricks sometimes, and experience definitely can help us and others that need support. I hope you enjoy helping others on your journey and I hope you get the support you need here.

@Tree0sloth I have intrusive thoughts too. Do you see a therapist? I do but need support in between times.