Listeners not listening
I love 7 cups. It is an amazing resource. However, I've been encountering a major problem lately. Whenever I connect to a listener to talk about stuff, I walk away from the conversation feeling worse than when I came on the site. This has happened the past 10 or so times.
The problem seems to be that the Listeners I have been connecting with (mainly Newbies) are more focused on solving my problem than letting me talk about it. I also have a listener account, so I know about the rules about giving advice, so it's very frustrating for me as a member when I want to talk about things to receive unsolicited advice or even outright commands. For context/example: I was venting about how I only had 4 days to study for a massive biology test (my school has a policy that students receive at least 2 weeks notice for tests) and I had a maths test the day before. I just wanted to vent and de-stress a bit, but the Listeners I spoke to would give me advice about studying or were trying to fix the situation (e.g. maybe the test will be canceled last minute! That happened to me before.*) or outright commanded me to study (e.g. Go study now!*). One even told me off for being on 7 cups instead of studying, when I was trying to look after my mental health by taking a break and de-stressing.
I can understand the urge to try and fix the situation, especially when the solution seems blatantly obvious, but I just want to be listened to. And it's even more frustrating when I come on here not feeling great for whatever reason and end up leaving the site more upset than when I came on here.
From what I remember of the listening course, there's a decent amount of emphasis on not giving advice, but I was wondering if there might be a way to make the message more obvious? Maybe something like: "Don't feel like you have to solve their problems, just listening can be really helpful"?
Again, I really love 7 cups, but I'm just fed up with being given unsolicited advice, commands etc. I just want to be listened to.
*Paraphrasing, not quotes from conversations
Hello there!
I am glad you shared this with us so kudos to you. I think one of the important things is to absolutely review the listener because some generally will learn with experience; I know if I do something incorrect, it would be my honor by them sharing their opinion!
I do personally believe the trainings do a good job at emphasizing the notion that we shouldn't be giving advice, but the other part of this is whether said listener can actually execute this.
I really can't provide a solution because we have so many listeners and moderation does its best to regulate what we have, but there needs to be a fair balance in avoiding over-regulation as well.
As a side suggestion, I connect with the same users as my listeners because I know they're reliable since I've depended on them before. I am not sure if you have considered that, but het, mine as well throw the idea out there, eh?
Thanks -- seriously -- for writing here. I love when people show their passion in the site and spend much energy and time into caring for our well-being.
@Ej
Re: Reconnecting with past listeners - That's what I'm doing now, it's just a matter of trying to find a time that works for them and me. The reason I haven't done it before is because usually what's driven me to talk to a listener is something that's just happened or a time-specific thing (e.g. I wanted to talk to someone prior to confronting my bio teacher about the test because I was really anxious about it, so I wanted to talk to someone before my class ended) and my previous listeners haven't been online.
I did think the trainings did a pretty good job of emphasizing not giving advice, but maybe if it popped up as one of the little reminders on the chat thing? (Maybe it does already, I haven't been able to listen for a while, coz I'm super busy with school) Or if it was phrased a bit differently e.g. "You don't have to solve their problem" - because that seems like what they're trying to do, and while I completely understand that impulse and probably acted on it a bit when I was a new listener, it's very frustrating when you just want to talk.
Hi @crimsonOwl9644! Im so sorry that youve encountered listeners like this on 7 Cups of Tea. I really appreciate you providing feedback on the issue, because without talking about it the problem cant be fixed. Thank you for sharing your experiences, even though Im really sorry that you had experiences like these in the first place. You deserve much higher quality listeners, and I sincerely hope that the new listeners youve been connecting with take another look at their training and adjust their listening techniques accordingly.
Please, please leave text reviews for listeners after bad chats! When you explain in a review what went wrong in the chat and what the specific problems with this listener were, its really helpful to the whole community and to that listener because theyll be provided with reminders of their listener role and/or nudges towards additional training. Leaving reviews that explain the problem in the chat is the best thing you can do to help listener quality improve within the 7 Cups community. I know its not fair to have to ask you to take the time to write reviews since youre here for support and not to provide feedback, and I hate that I have to ask you to do something like that when you've already been treated poorly by listeners on the site. The 7 Cups community, however, is a place where everyone has to work together to keep the site strong. I wish every listener that every member connects with could be stellar, but it takes the work of everyone to help get us closer to that goal. Honest member reviews are really helpful, and I assure you that negative reviews are taken very seriously by the community managers. Everyone here wants you to have the best chat experience possible and help listeners be as good at their listening as possible.
To avoid connecting with listeners like this in the future, I suggest sending personal requests to listeners by using the Browse Listeners page. There are some amazing listeners picking up General Requests, but choosing a listener yourself makes them much more likely to be of help to you. You can get a good feel for what type and quality a listener is by looking at their listener profile on the Browse Listeners page and find someone who seems to have the experience, active listening skills, and focus on specific areas that apply to your situation.
If youre interested, you can drop those awesome suggestions you had in your reply to Ej in the Member Suggestion Box! Again, Im so sorry that you encountered listeners who werent helpful to you and who broke some of the active listening guidelines. I hope youre able to connect with much better listeners in the future and receive the support that you deserve!
@theworldisquiethere
Thanks for the link to the suggestion box!
I do normally leave reviews or outright ask listeners not to send me advice, especially since I hadn't asked for it.
I have done the "browse listeners" before to find someone specific, but usually my issue doesn't really fit into the categories on the list (like stress over studying, or mini-freak out in the 30 mins before I confronted my teacher about my biology test), so I just go general request rather than spend forever trying to figure out what category would best fit what I want to talk about. Also, I have also encountered this problem with listeners who I have found through "browse listeners" (needing to solve the problem rather than listen).
About not being able to easily find listeners under a specific category for what you're struggling with, @crimsonOwl9644, that sounds really frustrating! We have a 'College Life' category already, but I wonder if adding a 'High School Stress' or just 'School Stress' in general might be helpful. I certainly encounter quite a few chats with teens who're feeling stressed because of school for one reason or another, and it might be helpful to have a specific category for them to browse for listeners with. In the meantime, it sounds like searching for listeners who appear to be experienced with and skilled in helping with anxiety might be a good place to start when you're looking for listeners to talk about the problems you mentioned! Anxiety is such a broad topic, but odds are if someone has some experience with an aspect of anxiety, they'll be able to relate at least a bit to stress about school or panic before talking with a teacher. Even if they can't relate exactly to the specific situation, they'd be likely to understand at least some of the feelings that went along with the stress you encountered.
@theworldisquiethere
Thanks for the advice! I never know quite what to put things under.
I have wondered if school stress would fall under work stress?
@crimsonOwl9644, I personally consider school to be a lot like a job, but I think that most of the listeners with 'work stress' on their profile are likely adults with paid work in mind. Technically I think school stress could fall under the category of work stress, but I don't know if searching for it that way would do much good because the listeners with it on their profile were likely not thinking of it that way. On the other hand, however, there are similarities between work stress and school stress, and connecting with listeners who're experienced in dealing with work stress might be a good way to find people experienced with dealing with stress in general.
Hi Owl, I am sorry this happens to you. You are a listener, you know how much training we get. I am sorry, I know they try. I know many hours have been spent on the training. But there is a reason that getting your license to be a therapist takes years and not hours. But that being said, there are still great listeners. My guess, they just happen to be that way in real life and they just brought it hear. These other listeners, well who knows? Maybe more training helps. Maybe they will never get it.
I guess I suggest you don't let it go on long. If you ask them to stop maybe once or twice, if it keep up. I would kindly tell them why you are leaving and leave. I really think some members just "put up with it" because it took forever to get a listener. Well I am someone with physical disability. I have waited months to see a new doctor only to realize they were not for me. After years of bad treatment and over treatment I would rather wait for the RIGHT one.
As others suggested, fill out reviews. It is what gets the attention of the higher ups. I am saddened by this, but some listeners seen driven by reviews and stars. Many times I have been in a room and a newbie starts complaining they have a 3 star review. It should be a clue that maybe they need to keep improving.
Lastly, I hope this is something 7 Cups does sometime. I wish we had more identifiers for the listener. AGE would be one of the things. Am I suggesting that young people are not good listeners, heck no! You may WANT to talk to someone in your age range. I have had people thrilled I am older. But others complain I know nothing about todays youth. I can't help when I was born. I can only use what I have.
Lastly, when you enter the room.... I don't think it is rude that you lay down YOUR feelings. TELL them you don't want to hear any "suggestions" or "quick fixes". I think some newbies just need that drilled in over and over. We all learn at different rates. Some need a gentle reminder, others need to be hit with a bat.
I hope it gets better for you. It is unfair you work hard as a listener but can't get the help in return. Good luck!
@AndyDufresne1994
I don't tend to let it go on very long. Normally if there's an issue it occurs within the first few minutes, although when I have had this happen with more experienced listeners I have actually spoken with them for quite a while.
I really hope the review system works. I do tend to do the star reviews, but not always the written part, so I'll try to do that more often.
I think an age identifier would probably be great for older people. It hasn't really been much of an issue for me personally as a teen, but I can see how it would be a problem for older people, and I think it could be useful for teens who are looking for a teen listener with more experience or who might be a bit more mature.
I'll definitely be trying the direct response in the future.
I agree with you crimson. I too got embarassing moment when in group chat for discussion when i was in depression. After that till to date I am active here in forums rather than chat rooms of 7 cups of tea
I'm new here, and in the very first and only one post I did sharing what was hurtful for me and made sad, a "listener" (a male, newbie) posted a rant (about himself) as a reply, disregarding 99% of what I had shared... This made re-think the whole 7cups options and made regret even sharing my story. 
Girl,a listener blocked me for nothing.
I mean,this place is not how it used to be.
Why people?
Please just be supportive and quiet. Calm.
