hello, My life is meh (POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNING)
Hello everybody,
as you can read my life is meh. I was 455 days without cutting. today i had to restart.
About a year and a half ago I went ot the guidance counselors at school and told them i didn't want to live. Well that ended about as well as you can probably expect. Needless to say I went to the ER for a mental health eval the next day. Luckily I am a master manipulator and i didn't have to stay. But I did have to go to counseling.( which isn't a bad thing and I wanna go again) Things kinda started to improve from there. UNTIL summer between my Junior and Senior year ( this summer) twords the end of my junior year I was bullied alot. Bullying is not uncommon for me so I just try to brush it off, but these days were different. I was really bothered by it all. I ended up super depressed. I said that if I could make it till the summer I would be fine. Welp BOY was I WRONG. This summer consisted of A LOT of yelling by my parents, being called names and more stuff happening, while we did do a few things that were fun ( mainly with my mother) the rest of the summer was spent the same way. I kept telling myself if I can just make it till school starts I'll be fine. WELP again was I wrong. School started two days ago and I already dont enjoy it. It is already stressful. But whatever. I keep running into people that are mean and bully me. I am 0 days clean and I have a stressful schedule this year. I shall keep this forum updated if possible, and if you wanna share anything feel free to. This is a judgment free zone! don't worry about people making rude comments because i doubt that will happen here. If you want me to keep updating this let me know. But for now..... Good night and be wonderful... I love all of you litle ducklings <3 Ig you have any questions or comments just feel free to ask them here. Love you all <3 <3 <3
@BandNerd1002
Hi there! I am really proud of you! Going 455 days without sh is amazing and it does show how much strength you have. Relapses are simply part or the recovery journey, but they dont take away all the great work you have done.
It sounds as therapy was indeed useful last time, and it would probably help a lot again. I do hope things at school will get better. Keep us updated!
@BandNerd1002
welp.... I ahve been almost 24 hours without cutting. I am having really bad urges right now. Today was good though. I ahd A LOT of coffee. I was super energetic. I Told my engineering teacher that i am no longet over a year withoug self harm. I have been updating him for a few years now, so i thought it was only fair. He seemed a little disappointed. I can't have my parents find out though, they will be mad. I will get grounded. And they will call me stupid, and other stuff that i don't wanna bring up. If anyone has some realy good distraction methods feel free to leave them in here. I encourage you to share and talk freely in here without the frar of judgement. I am here if anyone wants to talk. This is a free healthy space to do so. Feel free to share this forum with friends and keep spreading the word about meantal health and self harm. I am going to try and update this every day. I don't know how well it will go but you guys can join me on the journey to recovery. I encourage you to share your journey you recovety as well. Love you all. *hugs* and much love to anyone suffering with self ahrm. YOU ARE TRULY NOT ALONE
use this as a healthy outlet.
@BandNerd1002
Here you find a few links to posts where alternatives to self-harm have been previously discussed. I hope you fill find something useful:
I am not sure if it is mentioned in these posts, but I personally often use an app called CalmHarm. It's free :)
@admaiorasemper
well I didn't make it past 24 hours. I'm still trying though...
@BandNerd1002
Even just managing 24 hours is amazing! I'm proud of you for trying even when its hard, you can do this! 🙌
@Wolfyhorse
thanks I'm really trying.
@BandNerd1002
Hi there! I hope you are ok! Just wanted to check in on you and see how you are doing. No pressure to reply :)
@admaiorasemper
hey sorry! It's been a few days hasn't it. Saturday was amazing and Sunday was ok. Monday was eh. Today sucked really bad. I cried 2 times. I'm fighting the urge for now. I got grounded, screamed at, called ugly, and upset st least one of my teachers. But that wasn't really my fault. I have his class but I have it a different period than the actual class so I'm flexing it. And I'm the only student that is a student. The rest in that class either actually have him for their class or it's a study hall. Well he gave me the password and username I the website I needed and it wouldn't work. I told him and he said to try something else. I did that and a few other things but it still wouldn't work. I went to him and told him just so he could know and he was kinda rude and snippy he said " well I'm a little busy right now so ....." and I can't do anything without that password so I cried and I went and vented to my friend and told her how much I hate everything right now. Then I came home to get yelled at ALL NIGHT LONG. It's so dint the reasons that I get yelled at and called names. I'm over I and I don't wanna freaking live here anymore. But I'm really trying to ignore the urge today. I don't know if I'll be able to or nit...... lets find out. I'll update you tomorrow what happens. Wish me luck to not send my fist through a wall or someone's face. That's the day I'm having.
@BandNerd1002
Hi there! I am happy to read you. No need to apologise though, please write only whenever you feel like doing it. I may check in on you from time to time if you do not update this thread, but just to let you know that somebody is thinking about you and you are supported. There is absolutely no pressure nor obligation whatsoever 
I am glad that you had an amazing Saturday, and I am sad to hear that things went down hill from there. You wrote that you cried twice and I think this is a really good way to let your emotions out and express them. And so is talking to your friend!
I hear how difficult things at home are and I am proud of you for trying to resist the urges. Remember that they are like waves and they do subside. Stay strong, you are not alone
GUYS TODAY WAS FREAKING AMAZING!!! I got a hoco date, a boyfriend, and i got to wear a football players jersy all in the same day. After a crappy week that was just the way i needed it to end..... I am so happy UGH
@BandNerd1002
Enjoy your happiness! As my therapist likes to say, it is a skill to recognise such moments and bask in them
@admaiorasemper
Ah yes, I forgot what I last posted even. Well, the happiness didn't last long, It never does. It turns out that He was just using me, almost all of my friends were backstabbers, manipulative, untrustworthy, lying, ungrateful, rude, and selfish people, I have one friend left, and life kind of sucks right now. Half of the time I either don't want to be alive, or I just don't feel anything. But hey maybe this month I will be able to help people. its national suicide prevention month. Who knows. Maybe something will come my way. Right now it seems like there is no light, It is just a neverending cycle of darkness and pain. Darkness is overtaking my life. I'm lost and I don't know what to do anymore. If I tell people that just makes me attention-seeking, but if I don't tell people then it means that I'm a horrible person, There is no happy medium anymore. The only place if feel semi-safe to talk about it all is here in this forum, where nobody knows who I am, or anything like that. I don't understand what is happening in my life right now. But all I can do is try. Right? Who knows anymore. I don't know nor do I care. I'm over it all. If you have any question's let me know. I will be glad to answer. I have been through a lot, so if you have nay questions feel free to ask them here. I will do my best to respond. And If I don't know the answer, someone here probably does.
@BandNerd1002
Hi there, I am really sorry to hear you are going through such a difficult time... I am glad that you still have a friend you can lean on. Please remember that asking for help is never a weakness, it doesn
@admaiorasemper
Thank you! It keeps deleting what i type as I type it so OBVIOUSLY that is my sign that I don't need to say anything cause nobody will care anyway. Im sorry for bothering anyone, and Im sorry for taking people's time b them reading these or responding. <3 Thank you for the love and support. Give it to someone else though. I don't need it anymore. <3
Thank you all, Ill update you soon... Hopefully
@BandNerd1002
It is a sign of bad luck, that is all
I do care about you. You havent bothered anyone, and you dont have to be sorry for anything. I chose to read you and answer to you because I simply want to… You deserve a space where you can be fully heard and listened to. You are worthy of love and support. I will keep coming here and checking in with you.
Please if you are struggling with very dark thoughts, reach out for help. I know how that feels, I have been there.
https://help.7cups.com/hc/en-us/articles/360026238093-Crisis
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines
I am looking forward to hearing from you. You may see me just as a distance voice lost in the web, but you are not alone.
@admaiorasemper
I'm in a very dark place, I've been here before. I don't wanna reach out for help this time. Whatever happens, is gonna happen. I'm done caring if nobody else around me is going to care any at all. I'm done trying to be someone that I am not.I'm done being a pathetic excuse for a daughter, friend, aunt, sister, and student. I m done trying to make others feel better when I feel like shit. I'm done helping people, and I'm done putting on a happy face even when I am sad or whatever it may be. I am done caring, I'm just done. I don't care anymore. I'm sorry I don't think I'll do anything. I love you all and stay positive
@BandNerd1002
There is something very important and very precious that you are saying: you should never try to be someone you are not. You should never hide your true feelings behind a happy face. If you do, it takes you to the very same dark place you are experiencing now. You matter. You are precious, just the way you are. You are done caring, and this is ok. The only person you have to take care of is yourself.
Please. If these dark thoughts start to become too oppressive, have a look at these resources.
https://help.7cups.com/hc/en-us/articles/360026238093-Crisis
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines
This is basically just a journal for me. Please don't be worried. I wouldn't post anything that can get me in trouble.Ill be meh for a while. Im just hurting and I don't know how to get out.
@BandNerd1002
I will be thinking of you and keep sitting here. You will navigate through your pain and you will find your way out, I know you will <3
(I hope it didn't feel like I was invading your space, I am sorry if it did...)
@BandNerd1002
@BandNerd1002
If anybody wants to pm my listener account, this is my account, so feel free to message me anytime you need! I will try and respond as soon as I see your message!
Welp this week is interesting. I forgot how bad yeast infections are. I used to get them all the time when i was younger, but they are horrible. Ugh. I don't want to go to school tomorrow. But i have to. Sadly. It sucks to walk. I wish i could just lay in bed all the time.
oh well hope to hear from you soon!
Hi there, just saying hello. Hope you are doing ok. Hugs if you are ok with them
@admaiorasemper
I really need some hugs rn. SO thank you. Like is a disaster rn, I don't even wanna be here half of the time. I feel like i just cause issues for everyone. I hate it. I'm am not allowed to talk to any staff or students at my school unless I want my parents called,Which is just fantastic. Im basically alone in the world. Oh well nobody cares anyway.
@BandNerd1002
I am sending you lots and lots of hugs then, the tightest you can possibly imagine!
I am sorry to hear that you cannot talk to anyone without risking to have your family called. It doesn't sound fair. What about your good friend? Can you talk to her at least?
@admaiorasemper
Yes, kind of. She already has a lot going on in her life. But today is good. I have a creative writing essay that we are working on. And I was getting so upset and frustrated cause I couldn't figure out how to incorporate this flashback into my story, cause I have never done it before, but I figured it out. And now my writer's block is gone, and I have written almost 2000 words in like an hour and a half. It feels good to feel like I am good at something. LIKE really good at something other than being a disappointment.
@Wolfyhorse @1947treble @admaiorasemper
Welp... I'm back here updating this again. I am over 3 months without sh. Things at home are still not the best. Mainly with my dad. I found a lump in my breast. I found it about a month ago. I told my mom and she said that she needs to find me a doctor. I had my period and so I am waiting another week to check again. Two weeks after your cycle is the appropriate time to check. I got accepted to College and I am going to be getting my license soon. I'm going to try and buy my parent's old car from them if it works right. Then I am going to start saving to move out ASAP... This house is not good for my mental health. It is very toxic and I am still constantly getting yelled at. I went to the school about the verbal abuse and mental abuse but Alas "It's normal" and " I wouldn't treat my children any differently" My mental health and body image is f ucked up from living in this house. My parents call me lazy and tell me that I need to eat less, my dad makes fun of me when I wear makeup. I am not allowed to wear outfits that I want to because they make me look like a whore. But you know what... Hopefully, I will be able to get out soon. There is this amazing tik tocker that I watch who has helped me soooo much. its Monw0102. She's pretty cool... Well if anyone wants to share anything feel free to... Love you all...
Well it’s been a while since I’ve updated this thread! A lot has happened since the last time. I’ve had a few losses in the family, most within the last 20 months. My dad passed away very traumatic. It was in front of me and it was horrible. My brother in law OD’d and left behind a 5 almost 6 year old son. And I’ve really been struggling the last few weeks. I’ve been having thoughts that I shouldn’t have and that’s ok. I know I’m not gonna act on anything. I’ve been 787 days without Sh so that’s good! I have a job that I sometimes really like and others I really hate but that’s part of the job I guess. My boyfriend currently doesn’t talk to me much and that’s taking its toll on my mental health. I know that I shouldnt let others actions get to me but sometimes they just do. Anywho it is what it is.
