My Recovery Journey

@honestpanda81

Pandaaaa 💖💖💖 I think it's so good for you to open your heaft and try to help people who are struggling with the same issue. You know you're strong and you can success in your efforts to avoid self harm. There are many other ways to cope.

See you in TCR 🥰

Today was a little difficult. I've been clean for a little more than two months now, but little things still set me off. In this class, I don't really have any friends yet. Even though been learning to talk more to people I'm more comfortable with, it's still difficult, especially on days I feel particularly lonely and self-conscious.

Today was one such day. I just felt so completely alone and unwanted. I felt like my teachers hated me, and my classmates hated me, and I hated myself. I was so scared and overwhelmed at one point that I left the classroom to go outside and cry. It felt as if I had fallen into a dark pit, and couldn't climb out. I comtemplated all sorts of ugly thoughts, and the urge to hurt myself rushed back so quickly I would have done it if I could.

Two months of progress, and I was willing to dump that all in the trash. I wish I were stronger. I wish I had had the strength to pull up everything I'd learnt over the past four years, and just stay positive. Some days it's just too much.

But it's ok. I know that it's ok to slip up and relapse. I know that it's ok to just give up a little sometimes. Recovery isn't a linear process. I'm trying. I'm trying so hard to just keep it together. I'm proud of myself for making it through today. I didn't give up, and that's what counts. I'm still here, and I can get better. I can't give up. I can't give in. I just have to keep going

The reason why I self-harm *trigger warning*

Of course I know that self-harm is terrible. I'm literally injuring myself specifically to feel the pain. When I first told an adult about hurting myself, they asked me why I did it, and I couldn't really answer them.

All I knew was that it helped.

When I'm lying on the floor, shaking and crying, it was the only thing that helped. I would try taking deep breaths, or thought challenging, or talking to someone about how I felt, and I'd always just feel even worse than before. Life was miserable sometimes, and sometimes there just wasn't anything I could do about it.

But no matter what it was, no matter how much I hated myself, or how scared and lonely I felt, even the thought of self-harm helped. And when I finally did it, I'd always feel a sense of gentle numbness. It was as if the physical pain had washed the emotional pain away, and I could breathe again.

I wish it didn't help. I wish there were other things that worked better, faster. But sometimes, there just isn't. Sometimes, we just have to ride it out, and let the pain slowly subside. Sometimes, the longer, more difficult path is also the healthier one. So I'm trying. I'm trying to choose the option I know is better for me in the long run, even if I'm desperate for relief. I want to get better, and I want to love myself. It hasn't been easy, but I've come so far, and I want to keep going. Here's to better days and happier times

Ended today in pretty rough shape. I wish it didn't have to be like this. These episodes of sadness are getting more frequent now, sometimes up to once a day. I just want to feel ok, for a full week. Even just saying aloud reminds me of how absurd it sounds. Me? Not sad or anxious? For an entire week? No way.

I've been thinking about talking to someone about it, but the last time I did that it didn't help. I want to tell my parents and maybe start seeing a professional, but I'm just scared that my parents will get upset. I don't want to deal with all that right now. I just want the pain to end. Will try to stay safe and calm until this feeling passes. Take care, everyone <3

More than a year ago I had a big breakdown.

A lot of things had been happening, and an incident with a close friend of mine was what finally tipped me over. Simply put, we are not friends anymore, and I felt a physical sense of relief when I realised I no longer had to stay friends with her. I self-harmed that night for the first time in 9 months, and the feeling of self-loathing and unworthiness followed me for more than a year.

In the end, it was really 7 Cups that finally pulled me out of the black hole I had fallen into. After talking to a listener about what happened, and finding validation and assurance that I was simply trying to make the best out of a bad situation, and it was in no way my fault that it backfired, I finally started to get better. I learned how to talk to people again in this very community, and I found the courage to learn from what happened and move on. I even began to focus on positivity and gratitude, something that changed me and made me a more joyous human being, who has become more confident and carefree.

so here's what I want to say to this person:

You hurt me. Did you know that? You acted like the victim in all this, and you blamed everyone else, but don't you see how that made everything worse? I didn't deserve to feel insignificant. You don't get to make excuses when you freak out. You don't get to take out your anger on the people who were just trying to help. You are not the centre of the world. You made me feel like a worthless person and terrible friend. Do you have any idea how much I wanted to leave our unhealthy circle of friends? You knew I didn't like them, and that I only stayed for you. Couldn't you see how sad I was? How quiet I had become. I pretty much stopped speaking, and no one cared. You destroyed me.

But I'm better now. I'm stronger, and braver, and I know I am loved and valued. I won't allow you to hurt me anymore. I am a good person, and I am capable of being a good friend to others. I can be helpful, and kind, and I'm not going to let people push me around anymore. I'm going to continue supporting the people around me and being there for them. I'm going to keep learning to be better and happier, and I'm leaving you behind. I've survived, and I will keep living. Here's to better days and kinder communities

Learning to fight spiralling thoughts

My head is spinning. My heart feels heavy. Once again, I don't know why this is happening. I feel heavy and tired. I feel hopeless and empty. Sometimes I wonder if it will ever end. I wonder if I'll still be like this in my 20s, 30s, or 40s. Will I still worry this much when I'm a grandma? I wish it were easier. I wish I didn't have to deal with all of this pain and confusion so often.

I know those thoughts and feelings are not true, that it's just my mind messing with me. I know I can fight this. I know that no matter how tiring all of this is, I can battle through it, and come out on the other side stronger and happier. I wish I could believe it. It's just so so difficult.

Today, I choose positivity. I don't have to believe all of these lies. I can overcome this. I choose to believe that I am loved and valued. I choose to believe that my life is worth living. I choose to believe that I am more than my mistakes. I am worth more than what my bullies said. I am worth more than what life has thrown at me. Just like the sun rises every morning, I know I will continue to be strong enough to overcome this. I am dtrong enough.

To whoever might see this, so are you. You're not alone. Your situation isn't hopeless. Your life has meaning. You are worth love and kindness and support and care. Your life is worth living. No matter how messed up you are inside, you're still strong and capable and good enough for this world. You make this world a better place. You matter. I hope you too can choose hope, hope beyond every burden you've ever carried. ❤️

What is the point of life? What is the point? I don't understand. There's so much pain and confusion. I can't do this. Why am I still trying? What am I still fighting for? What is wrong with me?

Every time I feel like I'm getting better it gets worse. Every time I feel like maybe I'm improving, or maybe I'm learning, I get knowcked back a few steps. Why? Why is it so difficult to just not worry? Why can't I just stop feeling like this? I'm so stressed and anxious over everything. I hate this. Why is life so difficult. I just want to live in peace. I just want to spend one day, one day, not worrying about anything. I keep waiting. For a better day, for less pain, for something to change, but it all feels so hopeless.

I wish I were stronger. I wish I could keep going. I'm just not that brave. I just can't. I can't do this anymore. I need this to stop. Just one day. Please let it stop. Please. I'm too weak to go on like this

It's been a hard week. I've been particularly stressed because of my exams this week, which are causing me a lot of anxiety. I came home happy and relieved from finishing an exam, and immediately slip into a state of depression. It takes me a few hours to come out of it, and start studying, and then I slip into another episode after dinner. It's so so difficult to control it. I wish I could tell you that I've learned how to manage it by now, but I haven't. I guess it just doesn't work that way.

Today is my mum's birthday. She's been so supportive, and I want to stay for her. I can't imagine how much grief I would cause her and my entire family. I just.....can't. I want the pain to stop. No matter how strong I grow, it feels like I'll never get through this. But I can't believe that. I'd have no hope otherwise.

I feel like I'm getting better because I at least know what's coming. Even though I can't stop the pain, I know it will end. I try to be happy. I try to be grateful for what I have. I try to stay positive. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't. But I have to trust that things will get better. I have to believe that I can get better, and recover from this. I need to have faith that this is not the end. I will get better. There is meaning and purpose to life. There is a path for me, one that will teach me and heal me, and one that will show me joy and life. One day, I'll get through this. Right now, I just have to get through these next two days

I hope you're all doing ok today. Even if you aren't, there's hope. Don't give up. Stay strong

Today was.....good, actually. My math exam went a lot better then expected.

So why do I feel so awful? Why does it hurt so much?

I almost relapsed today. I was feeling amful during the test so I told myself I'd SH when I got home. If it hadn't been for my lunch date with my mum, I probably would've done it.

I just.....feel so confused. I mean, I know that I've been getting better. I could see the progress I've made over the past few weeks. It just.....doesn't feel real. I doesn't feel like I'm getting better right now. In fact, it just feels like I've gotten worse.

I don't know what's happening to me

I almost relapsed yesterday. I don't even remember why. It wasn't important. It never is. All I know is that the physical pain is always easier to deal with than the emotional pain. The panic, the sadness, the emptiness. Why won't it just go away? If you're wondering if it ever gets better, here's the truth: I don't know. I've gotten better and worse. I've had good days and bad days. Sometimes, SH feels silly, and sometimes, it's the only thing I want. Recovery isn't linear.

My life is pretty good. I'm safe, healthy, and doing pretty well in school. My life has been far from smooth, given some of the fairly traumatic experiences I've had, and my social life leaves something to be desired, but all in all, it's better than a lot of people. I know I should be more appreciative of what I have. How many people would give everything they had for a life like mine? (ok, not that many, maybe not really at all) But I'm still here. All the struggling and resisting, and I still end up wishing for a pair of scissors, or something better. I still can't look at knives. I still don't go a week without thinking about SH.

Sometimes, resistance feels meaningless. What is the point of suffering so much today, just to suffer again tomorrow? Why can't I just SH? Why are people so against it, if it's the one thing that really works for me? I don't know. I'm just trying to hold on, and live to fight another day