Relapsing and I don't know why *TRIGGER WARNING*
Hi there.
Recently I've been having lots of relapses with my cutting. I stopped about 3 years ago and have had a few relapses since (it's been about 2 months fully clean).
The way my self-harm usually works (and I apologize if this is triggering or graphic), is that I cut a few times in one sitting and the relief from it lasts a while and I can stay clean for months just from one day of harm. However, recently this relapse has been pretty bad. I've harmed multiple days this week and have been being a little more strong about it.
It's weird since I don't feel particularly depressed, but mainly I just feel super empty lately and the only way I can find feeling is through risky or self-destructive behaviors.
I'm not sure what to do about this relapse. It seems to be the worst one yet but I just want to keep doing it.
@LyssSky03
Hello, Sky! Before I start, I just moved your post to a different subforum as it is more suited here.
It sounds like feeling numb and empty have been how you're feeling. I'm sorry to hear that, I understand how hard it can be to survive with these tough feelings. We're just trying whatever works to feel feelings, and as you said, you find it through risky and self-destructive behaviours.
Relapses are tough, and I'm sorry you are going through it. What are some activities that are safe yet provide a little bit of risk that you can do instead? One example I can think of is skateboarding- it's an activity where you have to focus hard- a positive when it comes to distraction from self-harm- and it comes with the risk of potentially falling. Yet, it's all in the name of fun (as long as you don't incorporate self-harm behaviour into it). Can you think of activities that are similar?
What are other ways to cope with feeling empty and numb? One example I can think of is holding ice in your hands, or eating chilli or eating a sour lemon. They give you bodily sensations, even if for just a little bit. Or taking ice-cold showers. Ideally, the best thing would be to figure out what's causing the numbness- has something triggered you? Are you trying to repress something? Why are the emotions being hidden away- are they too overwhelming?
We're always here for you- take good care of yourself. xx
@rebecca947
Thank you very much and I apologize for posting in a wrong forum I didn't mean to! Also thank you or adding a clear trigger warning I don't post much on here and I forgot to clearly state a warning! I have tried different coping mechanisms but for some reason always turn back to cutting. I think I just have a lot of interpersonal relationship stress in my life right now which is causing the relapses, but I don't know how to fix it or how to properly deal with it all.
@LyssSky03
Hey Sky, thats alright! Dont worry about it :) a general guideline is that it takes 5 positive coping behaviours to overcome the 1 negative one, in this case self-harm. Maybe try some of them when youre in a better headspace, as then you can really figure out if you enjoy it or not. I have found over the years that when Im in a relapse or feel myself spiraling down, nothing helps because I dont want to try new things then, my mind just focused on self-harm.
Its good that you think you know the reason. Dealing with relationships in general can be so tricky sometimes! Were dealing with two or more parties with different opinions, perspectives and experiences. Im not sure whats going on personally for you, but I can tell you some generalised things. The main one being that communication is key to maintaining a healthy relationship, between anybody. Communication, boundaries and trust.
If youd like to talk about the details in private (as forums are for everyone to see!) youre free to message any one of our thousands of listeners on here and talk it out. Sometimes, all we need is a listening ear to vent to, and maybe via that you can figure out some ways to help yourself. Take care xx