Relapsing after 2 years
️ trigger warning ️
I have been fighting with self harm and depression for almost 4 years. Attempted self harm few times before I had the courage to fight against it with the help of my therapist. I don't go to therapy anymore because I have been doing very well.
my boyfriend talked about suicide and went awol for 24hrs today. After multiple attempts to reach him, I got a hold of him, he is ok and doing ok. And I am so so thankful for that.
As hypocritical this sounds for me to say I am relapsing thinking about self harm, that's exactly what's on my mind now.
The emotions I am going through, makes me doubt myself and makes me want to give up. It was so stressful, it's been hours and I can't stop shaking. , it still lingers and it's hard for me. It's a trigger for me. And it makes me want to do it. I have the means for it. Everytime I relaps, I think to myself it takes months to build myself and a second to break me. Is it really worth it?
@Justmekoo
I'm so sorry Koo. It feels like you are going through a lot and you're overwhelmed. So overwhelmed you can't fight your negative thoughts anymore. I'm so sorry you are going through so much pain.
Self care activities are worth it. They bring hope instead of throwing us into the ocean of self doubt. And with each practice, we get better at it.
It's frustrating how months of work can be broken with just one incident, and you feel like you can't fight this huge force anymore. But with enough practice, you will have less difficulty with controlling the negative urges. They will lose their intensity and your positive practices will become your most dominant parts.
I hope you are doing okay now, and hope you didn't relapse. But if you did, know that your previous work isn't zero. They count and the relapse was just a slip. You are not starting from day 1, rather all the months before added to the work you will do from now on. The only days that won't count are the days you relapsed. It's just a slip, it's not a complete failure.
Hope this was helpful. Sending you lots of love and soothing dear Koo. I understand it can be hard, but it's worth it. Many people have overcome it so can you. <3
