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I am not sure if this is self harming
Justmekoo May 6th, 2022
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Trigger warning ️ I don't have anyone to share this with. My therapist bailed on me this week. It's been very tough. I recently got the courage to start therapy. I have been to 1 session. I think it helped a bit. I wasn't feeling up to going for a 2nd session because I felt ashamed. But I forced myself to go. I waited in full on anxiety mode, one foot out of the door for my turn, the receptionist said the doctor cancelled after 40mins. I walked back home relieved and disappointed. Feeling like a failure. Feeling like the universe was against me. I had been thinking about self harming for a couple of days and I even planned a day to do it.

I am still thinking about it. I cut off my connection with everyone lastnight. And nobody seems too bothered by it. I have been in my room for 24hours taking a bunch of pills and surviving because I cannot bring myself to cut myself yet. I am tired. I am so tired.



2
snowylovegood May 6th, 2022
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@Justmekoo I am sorry that your doctor canceled on you. It was brave of you to start seeing someone, and brave to delay the urge to self harm. I know how overwhelming it can be, and how much it can sink into your life. Sometimes the feeling of shame can come from feeling controlled and wondering why we are controlled- but there are two things to consider about that. Self harm is an addiction like any other addiction- it is in its nature to be controlling. What might you say to a friend who had gotten hooked on substances? Also, you showed that it does not control you when you went to the doctor and when you delayed the urge. You stood up to the bully, and that's a big deal.

If you need someone to talk to, please keep reaching out here or in a chat. Everyone here is going through something or has in the past, so we don't judge and we always want to provide support to those who need it.

Justmekoo OP May 11th, 2022
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I have been doing well. But the therapist is suggesting I go on meds. But I know given my situation, I would end up abusing it. I have been having bad anxiety every morning. Dragging myself to work everyday. It's a real big battle happening inside my head. I feel like I loose a part of me everyday.

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