Trying

I try to keep myself under control . But at night when I’m alone it’s all I think about. I just want to feel okay enough to sleep . And I know if I do it I’ll upset my boyfriend . I just need to feel okay . So instead I’ll lay here feeling like my body is on fire and my brain is about to explode. And when he wakes up tomorrow and is upset I was up all night I will just tell him I was playing a game . There’s no reason to upset him .I’ll just do this every night . How hard can it be right ? Just don’t get up . Don’t look in the direction of anything sharp . Don’t start crying and if you do keep it quiet enough you won’t disturb anyone . If your throat burns it means it’s working . No need to spread the misery when it can so easily be contained by choking on your own pain . And that will work just fine until you gag and regurgitate every word that ever hurt you . Now you’re apologizing for feeling and apologizing for being . At least you’re trying though .