Self-Haeming just for the sake (Possibile TW! )

Just to be clear I'm already in therapy but it's not working much I guess? Also I feel better than how I used to so it's a progress. I don't have urges now. Not at all. It's been three weeks, except for some slips I've been clean for three weeks. I feel good!

But sometimes I think what if I do it again? What could it feel like to do it again?

And I don't think this because I feel like I need it, because if I don't do it I lose my mind, but just for the sake! It makes me mad. It feels more like it's my fault because it's all conscious, it's a choice I make to go against my progress even if I have no serious reason to have such a bad coping mechanism right now. I want to let it go, but at the same time I don't want to. It feels like I'm totally faking it. Because when you have urges, after you do it you can say it wasn't like you had any choice, but now I have a choice, I can consciously choose not to do it. And If I chose to do it it's my responsibility and my fault and it makes me feel even more bad, it's so childish. And I'm not even "" Addicted"" To the feeling or whatever because yes I can go on clean from three weeks so there's no problem.

Why not keep hurting? Why not damaging myself more? Even if this scared me, I read all the side effects it might cause to my physical health and I get terrified and the willing to do it stops for some time but then I end up thinking who cares! I want to try it, to reach a point where I'll be satisfied with the results. Though I know I'll never be satisfied. And it's only a lie.

I don't want to tell my therapist about my slips because I'm ashamed, I don't want to be attention seeking or immature.