Scared of myself
T. W.
Hi, today I realized that I skated past my birthday knowing that I will relapse and soon. I'm scared of myself. Memories invade my mind and I only know one way to stop them. I'm feeling lost and invisible with the relapse as my only companion.
@Blueanays
Hello...I have skated past my birthday so many decades I don't even know what a birthday is any more. I have self harmed in many ways but not directly as self harming is perceived so I may not be in the same "boat". Relapse is OK, we are no superheroes, I feel very sad for you, if you want to share more, feel free...many like you and me go though things that make us want to self harm, but that does not mean you are ignored...my hugsiez🤗 though I have my difficult times to go through, a hug to someome in need I can always do🤗...
@strawberrybones Thank you for your kind words and especially the hug. Due to some trauma it has become very difficult for me to be close to people. I started to self harm as a child, it was the only way to let out the anger. I was invisible. Abused. Damaged. I spoke with my mother yesterday and all the images came rushing in. Flooding me. I have relapsed now. I'm sorry.
@Blueanays
Absolutely nothing to be sorry about, I was a victim of child abuse too as many of us here were...we have our triggers and am sorry you were overwhelmed and relapsed but it's ok, we are just human...I am sorry we are so many victims in this pool...as a self harm I used to push my friends and pets away, imposed isolation, later in life I added alcohol and tobacco, not for pleasure but for slow self harming (told you I did not self harm as defined). I am not a listener but surely in this site you are no longer ignored. Just hang on and please don't take it on yourself when the world hurts you...😔😔😔
Hi there @Blueanays
I am sorry to hear you are hurting so much because of your memories and that you are feeling lost and invisible. I can see you though... I feel your pain, your sadness. I hear your request for help. I am sitting here with you and I am giving you a safe hug if that is ok. You are not alone...
@admaiorasemper I'm sitting here crying. How could someone who has never met me be so kind, yet the ones who were supposed to protect you, raise you, fail you so much? Thank you. I'm sorry my arms speak a story of pain.
@Blueanays
I am kind to you because you deserve to be treated with kindness, you deserve to be listened to, you deserve support... Unfortunately I have no answer as for why those who should actually protect us can fail us so much... But I know it is not our fault. It is not your fault. And perhaps you attack yourself as a mean of punishment, but there is nothing your are guilty of... The anger you feel is valid, this doesn't mean you have to turn it inwards towards yourself. Your body is longing for your own love and care 
@admaiorasemper Whatever I do I cannot shake the feeling of guilt, of shame. As if adult me was to blame for what happened to child me. And although I know it's impossible, I still think I could/should have done more.
@Blueanays
Your adult self didn't exist yet at the time... and your child self did the only things she could do at the time to survive and deal with what was happening to her. She is not to blame, she is not guilty of anything. And she is still very much present and very much longing for love. Love that you can now give her as your adult self... you can make her finally happy
@admaiorasemper Your words hit so many chords. They have helped me and calmed me down. Nights are always harder, as day comes I ask myself what was I thinking. But I need to address my state of mind at night. Thank you for being a support in a time of need.
@Blueanays
I am really happy to hear that my words were able to help you...
I relate to the fact that nights are harder... I think it may be because things keep accumulating, and then at the end of the day it is all too much. I have found that if I check in on myself several times during the day, and name what I feel, and try to work on it and release it, I can deal much better with my nights.
Please do not hesitate to reach out again if you need support or just for a friendly hug :) You can also join the daily check-ins and the group support chats. I really hope to see you around!
