Relapse has Become Active SH Again

I have been SHing since I was about eight years old. This is a basically a life long pattern for me. Towards the end of my SHing days, about 6 years ago, it was so out of control and I needed to stop , for my sanity and health. And I did. For 5 years. 5 whole years ( that's huge for me).

...but then, I started having to deal and face my past abuse and I relapsed because nothing could take THAT pain away. I reverted right back to my old coping that I worked so hard to get rid of. But just once.

Then, that " just once" became again...and again...and again. At this point, I can not, with all honesty, say I am not actively SHing. And in a strange way - to throw this honesty out there - I am not all that upset with myself for doing it again...and that SCARES me. The fact that my scars give me satisfaction - that scares me.

I always end the SH with, this is the last time - but what a joke, it is never the " last time".

I have forgotten all the reasons I wanted to stop SH, forgotten all the coping skills I utilized to stop. And I don't really know if I truly Want to stop. Because it helps. That's just facts - it helps.

But at the same time, more than wanting to SH in order to cope with the emotions and pain ( and self hate and self blame), I want to to get rid of the pain itself. And I Know, SHing Does NOT do that. It's just...the closest thing to it that I have so I just settle for that.

I have a dr appointment coming up that I have been putting off because it is a blood test and they Will see the scars- I hate that shame when another person looks at them. I feel I have to explain then away and laugh - knowing full well neither of us believe the pale excuses that fall from my lips.

And the look - that look of disgust and pity - how I HATE that look.

Is anyone in this situation right now? Or has been and has been able to get themselves back? Back to not SHing, being SH free?

I would appreciate any support or sharing if you relate and any coping skills that worked for you in this situation...or even How you got yourself back to being SH free. Or anything else you would like to share. It is much needed and much appreciated.

Thanks in advance :)

- Blissed ❤️