I relapsed so fast... (trigger warning)

After only a week I went back to it. I'm disappointed in myself but I couldn’t help but like it. I hate that I liked it. I feel ashamed but I’m so conflicted. Anyway I should probably start with some background:

When I started, the first time I cut myself it was just to see how it felt. But then I started liking it because it gave me something to focus on that wasn’t the worries that run through my head when I try to sleep. I made myself stop pretty early on though by reminding myself I wouldn’t want anyone finding out, and what would happen if they did.

I was good for almost a week until tonight. It’s the first time I didn’t calculate it first when I hurt myself. I was so frustrated, and I didn’t have an outlet for all of this energy, so I took the sharp knife from my desk. I never do that much, just enough to have something to focus on, to fix.

I’m scared I’m gonna get worse because of tonight. It’s not that I want to punish myself, it’s that I want to hurt something, but I don’t want to hurt anyone. It also doesn’t help that it gives me something to fix which also gave a focus. I hate myself for doing it but it helped. I’m going to keep trying not to hurt myself but I guess we’ll see.