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CallmeKir
1 14,550 M Progress Road
PathStep 239 Compassion hearts1,903 Forum posts102 Forum upvotes78 Current upvotes78 Age GroupAdult Last activeOctober, 2024 Member sinceDecember 25, 2020
Bio

❤️ Hi! Welcome to my profile ❤️

As my username says, I’m Kir. My pronouns are currently they/he I’m a college student who loves art, music, and card games of any variety.

While I haven't been active in forever, I used to host sharing circles and work as a sessions host buddy

I would prefer if you do not tell me to “stay safe” as while it’s well intentioned, current events and how some people have used it has ruined that phrase for me.



Recent forum posts
My experience with chronic pain
Disability Support / by CallmeKir
Last post
 October 14th, 2021
...See more So I’m not sure if I belong here since I don’t have a disability, and I’m sorry if I’m overstepping, but there was no other place to talk about chronic pain, and I need to talk about this. I used to have chronic neck pain, it was for many years of my childhood. As long as I could remember, every few afternoons I would have intense pain in the back of my neck, like my spine was going to burst out of my skin. My family took me to many doctors in the hopes we could figure out what was going on. None of them knew what was happening, or knew any way to treat it. It didn’t help that I felt like I was gaslighting myself since it never happened in the doctors office. I lost count of how many doctors tried and failed to find anything wrong. Even with my description and how long it was going on they all told me my neck was fine until one doctor. He didn’t find anything, but he did try to help. He tried, and he succeeded. The pain that had plagued me most evenings was becoming more spaced out and more mild as time went on with his help. Then he died. The only doctor who helped me died. But he’d done enough. I thought my pain was gone for good since it had been fading out and until recently I was so sure I was free. Then one day I felt it. It’s a very specific type of pain, different from any others I’ve had. It was mild and only for a few minutes but it was back. I felt like crying. As a kid, I had never thought of my neck pain as something to cry about, it was just my life. I think I only realized I wasn’t ok with it after it was gone long enough to fear its return. I had also unconsciously attached all of my emotional pain surrounding it to violin, the dream I could never achieve given it made it worse. I tried talking about the violin and I couldn’t stop crying. I don’t cry about my pain. So after all of this fighting, all of this pain, all of this helplessness, the pain was back if only for a short while. I still fear I’m not free. I still grieve I can’t play violin. I may have stopped being affected physically for the most part, but apparently this is something I’ll have to work past. (sorry for dumping such a long and maybe hard to follow story. This needed to come out)
I relapsed so fast... (trigger warning)
Self-Harm Recovery / by CallmeKir
Last post
 March 8th, 2021
...See more After only a week I went back to it. I'm disappointed in myself but I couldn’t help but like it. I hate that I liked it. I feel ashamed but I’m so conflicted. Anyway I should probably start with some background: When I started, the first time I cut myself it was just to see how it felt. But then I started liking it because it gave me something to focus on that wasn’t the worries that run through my head when I try to sleep. I made myself stop pretty early on though by reminding myself I wouldn’t want anyone finding out, and what would happen if they did. I was good for almost a week until tonight. It’s the first time I didn’t calculate it first when I hurt myself. I was so frustrated, and I didn’t have an outlet for all of this energy, so I took the sharp knife from my desk. I never do that much, just enough to have something to focus on, to fix. I’m scared I’m gonna get worse because of tonight. It’s not that I want to punish myself, it’s that I want to hurt something, but I don’t want to hurt anyone. It also doesn’t help that it gives me something to fix which also gave a focus. I hate myself for doing it but it helped. I’m going to keep trying not to hurt myself but I guess we’ll see.
What if’s in my future (more of a little rant sorry)
Anxiety Support / by CallmeKir
Last post
 January 6th, 2021
...See more I feel like I’m in limbo right now. On the one hand, there’s the possibility of having to flee my state in the next year (don’t wanna go into why), and on the other hand there’s the chance it won’t happen, and the fact that I just need to live life as normal. There’s this fear of all of these what ifs like “if we go would it be the straw that breaks the camels back for all of my friendships?” And “if I voiced why we may go would I be laughed at or called an idiot?” It’s simultaneously frustrating and scary. I hate it but what if I’m just making a big deal out of something that doesn’t happen anyway? That’s why I don’t talk to friends about it, I’ll seem like an idiot or a drama queen if nothing ends up happening. Also sorry I’m probably being annoying again and I’m not sure this is even the right part of the forums but here’s the post anyway.
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