Corporal punishment anecdotes lead me to hit myself

I’m often told about the corporal punishment my family went through. My Slavic great-grandparents, thirty years ago, would hit my mother with a wooden spoon or force her to kneel on painful things - I think it was wires. My father (who grew up in the 1980s countryside) was, if I remember correctly, belted and caned if he misbehaved. I sometimes hear my mother share stories with friends or neighbours of the corporal punishment and neglect that Gen X/older Millennials endured. “We respected adults and never voiced our opinions,” I interpret her as saying. “We just did whatever they asked us to do without *insert a stupid synonym for complaining*”. It seems as though previous generations are so much better because they were beaten into submission and perfection. I see them as perfect angels who did all the housework and were self sufficient by the time they were twelve, all thanks to the good old threat of leather. Or the hand. Rationally, there’s no way I’m right about that perception, but deep down, I feel like it’s true. I’m not as helpful, independent, or able to shut up and “quitcher complainin’” (how I hear it in my head) as I believe people used to be based on the fictional works I’ve consumed or anecdotes I’ve heard (for example, my dad did all the chores growing up and my mom, aunt, and uncle did not complain when they were left alone all night).

My dad is absent now but my mom does an amazing job, she’s no contact with everybody toxic and has never hurt me. But unfortunately, with these anecdotes and the historical fiction I love to read that depicts children being lashed or struck as was socially acceptable back then, I have a feeling that I would be better if I were hit. So I’ve taken it upon myself to do the hitting. Sometimes if I’m really frustrated with myself, I’ll do things like slap my own wrist when I put my flute down or stop studying and fidget, in order to trigger a fear response that keeps me working. (As I would expect, it doesn’t work.) When I argue with my mother because I don’t want to do something she wants to do or something she wants me to do. I might go up to a mirror, yell at my reflection to shut up and deal with it, and sometimes punch myself in the head.

My mom hates it when I do this and I don’t like it either. Luckily it’s a rare occurrence and I haven’t done some serious damage (and luckily I doubt I’m strong enough for that). She always gets upset when I do it and I think she’s worried about me but I can’t tell. I want to stop but I have this notion that corporal punishment and neglect makes you better, but rationally I know it only hurts people and has made a mess of some of my niblings we don’t talk to.