trigger warning shamed

not sure why this still bothering me so much. years ago was with mom at store and a lady we never met befor was in line ahead of us. mom did not know her but they started talking. then mom said to her this is my crazy daughter  who cuts herself. we felt  so much shame over it still do.  we been self harm free for few years  now,  but it a daily fight for us too. my mom shamed us a lot even as a child. she know my brothers were sexually and other ways abusing us too. but she turned away from us left us being abused. we know now this was due to her whole life being abused. but that not make it right but get that her normal too. so she also kelp saying you know when you hurt yourself your hurting me. family made fun of our self harm a lot.

we just learned that things we did even before 2yr was self harm but no one at all ever tried to help us as a kid. we remember very young pulling handfuls of hair out and biting self even hitting head on wall. mom only punish us or would say wait until your dad get home. we use to sneak  moonshine out of icebox and then put water in the jar to make look like none was gone. but that numbed us. did that from like 3yr and up to around yr. same with cutting started at around 7yr. no one said a thing to us about the cuts. no one even asked about how we got hurt. mom would tell others we was accident  prom people believed her. we stopped all self harm around 12yrbut we started  back up when was expecting our son, thank due to we started having flashbacks hearing alters too. also my girls who both looked like me when i was child were around same ages that the worst of the sexual abuse happened at. but this time was way worst even to point had staples in my one leg. mom used me to get pity she when we went into pychward or had been in ER she call others. she say things like she went to ER again cut self really bad or she back in pychward.

even when we was losing our 3 kids to government  she made it about her and seek pity from everyone. this did not help me at all as it put me in a self harm cycle.

but when we moved  away from family  in may of 2017 the self harm got less and less. then stopped thinking mom shaming us  played buf role in the self harm. as a child  think it was us seeking to be seen and cared for too. but also to be saved and well just loved. mom abused us too but that even brings more shame and makes us sick what she did to us.  it one of the things been hard to talk about too. people think moms can not abuse their girls in way we talking about. think mom kinda feed our need to self harm as she got attention and pity from others.

more we learn about what seen as self harm we see we did it from young age up. feel good to be self harm free at this time and we safe too.