trigger warning shamed
not sure why this still bothering me so much. years ago was with mom at store and a lady we never met befor was in line ahead of us. mom did not know her but they started talking. then mom said to her this is my crazy daughter who cuts herself. we felt so much shame over it still do. we been self harm free for few years now, but it a daily fight for us too. my mom shamed us a lot even as a child. she know my brothers were sexually and other ways abusing us too. but she turned away from us left us being abused. we know now this was due to her whole life being abused. but that not make it right but get that her normal too. so she also kelp saying you know when you hurt yourself your hurting me. family made fun of our self harm a lot.
we just learned that things we did even before 2yr was self harm but no one at all ever tried to help us as a kid. we remember very young pulling handfuls of hair out and biting self even hitting head on wall. mom only punish us or would say wait until your dad get home. we use to sneak moonshine out of icebox and then put water in the jar to make look like none was gone. but that numbed us. did that from like 3yr and up to around yr. same with cutting started at around 7yr. no one said a thing to us about the cuts. no one even asked about how we got hurt. mom would tell others we was accident prom people believed her. we stopped all self harm around 12yrbut we started back up when was expecting our son, thank due to we started having flashbacks hearing alters too. also my girls who both looked like me when i was child were around same ages that the worst of the sexual abuse happened at. but this time was way worst even to point had staples in my one leg. mom used me to get pity she when we went into pychward or had been in ER she call others. she say things like she went to ER again cut self really bad or she back in pychward.
even when we was losing our 3 kids to government she made it about her and seek pity from everyone. this did not help me at all as it put me in a self harm cycle.
but when we moved away from family in may of 2017 the self harm got less and less. then stopped thinking mom shaming us played buf role in the self harm. as a child think it was us seeking to be seen and cared for too. but also to be saved and well just loved. mom abused us too but that even brings more shame and makes us sick what she did to us. it one of the things been hard to talk about too. people think moms can not abuse their girls in way we talking about. think mom kinda feed our need to self harm as she got attention and pity from others.
more we learn about what seen as self harm we see we did it from young age up. feel good to be self harm free at this time and we safe too.
@stormieandpaws
Hello,
First I want to tell you you are a real survivor! You processing all those traumas into telling us your story is to be commended. Have you ever heard of:
Munchausen syndrome ?
Also known as factitious disorder imposed on self; is a rare psychological disorder where a person fakes illness or causes symptoms in themselves:
- BehaviorPeople with Munchausen syndrome may lie about their symptoms, manipulate test results, or inflict symptoms on themselves. They may also travel to multiple hospitals and see many doctors.
- MotivationPeople with Munchausen syndrome are motivated to assume the "sick role" to receive care and attention from others. They are not seeking personal gain, such as money or prescription medications.
@juliak1968
thank you we kinda think mom had that. another person was talking about another related to that one. as my parents would wait to take my to doctor. then we get very sick they take us to ER. we be put into hospital for weeks at a time. they have us in like tent thing too. mom would come up when brothers wherein school and she like acted all caring. say my poor child etc. the doctors and others at hospital would give her attention. this also happened to one of my brother a lot too. but for some odd reason after we was 7yr we no longer went into hospital at all. tat always seemed odd to me.
my mom smothered me she not allow me to do any thing unless she was with me. but she did allow me to go to church with another family. but that was due to dad not wanting her to go to church. he did not want ny of us to go but we demanded to go. so in the end he allows us to go. but other then that and normal school days she did not allow me away from her. she even took over my friends she say they was her adopted kids. but then she kinda as far as like me being alone with others. after 7yr she leave me alone with brothers. who was abusing me.
but then she started watching other peoples kids for money. but she spent a lot of the money she got on them kids. to us it felt like she was in away replacing us for younger kids. so that confused us a lot as a child. we just felt replaced and unwanted. but not sure if that make sense to you. so abuse by my brothers and their friends abused me more.
so yes we think think mom had that and more. she never got any help.
@stormieandpaws
Hi, How are you doing today? Yes you're right, it seems odd that your mom seems to like to target younger children, are they used the same way you were? Do you remember any of the doctor-stated diagnoses? You are very brave! Keep using 7Cups as part of your routine and try many different listeners until you find enough favorites that you get the support you need right now. I've been on my mental health recovery routine for almost 5 years now and its all starting to make much more sense.
You'll be ok now that you've learned to reach out for the help! Keep reaching
Blessings, Day
@juliak1968
mom treated the kids she took care of a lot better then she treated us. she seemed to live as if she was part of their family. due to not being watched we got into potato dusk it was a poison used to kill potato bugs. we also drank kerosene that was in a drinking glass. dad was using it to start something/ we also had mercy poisoning due to they allowed us to play with a bottle of mercy. dad had in his tool box. we played with it for sometime so they thought it was safe and we could not get it open. we did and poured in our hands. thinking we wanted to know what it felt like. we was under 5yr when all this happened.
we also got burned by ot soup mom say we reached up on stove and grabed the pa. but we remember she was walking with it to table and did not see us. so she backed into us pouring the soup on us. she reacted fast put us in tub ran cold water on us. she took cloths off and wrapped us in white sheet took us to ER.
we really not know what she was DXed with. we do know when very young she was in psych ward. we was told she had a mental breakdown. but she never got much mental health help. we also know she was on a little blue pill for some time and she got from normal doctor antidepressant. but never went to a mental health worker.
due to all the poisonings our lungs was effected. so that was part of reason we got sick a lot. we now have asthma the doctors think we at it most our life. but it went untreated. lots of things went untreated too.
we doing so so today we been on recovery journey for 20 years. but new layers keep coming up of memories. new information was given to us after we moved too. guess mom wanted to be ready to die and meet her maker. as after we moved she did admit to things that happened in our childhood. then she stated she did the best she could with what she had. sad but we use to daydream about being one of the kids she babysit for and her giving attention to us. we thought she loved them kids more then us. cared about them but not us. seeing she left us with abusers and went to work watching other people kids.
kinda feel sorry for her as she know what she did. even if she makes excuses for her actions dad actions and my brothers actions. she has to live with that all too.
Hi, I know what you mean, I believe our abusers always knows what they did was wrong, but they usually go through life numb to how others feel. Is your mom a narcissist? Do you know anything about narcissism? I've studied them with my therapist and can tell you that they can do a lot of damage to their victims through manipulation. Have you tried getting a Listener yet? Have a good night!
Blessings, Day
